Matt Beaumont - e - A Novel

to… James Gregory

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re… HI YOURSELF!

Thanks for the e. Didn’t understand most of it, but guffaw, guffaw anyway! Haven’t the foggiest what I’m supposed to do yet, but if I can help with your Mako meeting – pens, pads, that sort of thing – give me a shout. By the way, what happened to the last trainee? I’ve heard some rumours, but no one will tell. Katie P

to… Vince Douglas; Brett Topowlski

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re… NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS

There goes another thousand years. How was it for you? I boycotted it – well, the whole fucking thing was a marketing con by the Christians to get us to buy Cliff Richard’s piece of shit. I stayed in with a Tesco korma, Jose Cuervo, my new Sony Vega and a hard-on for Gaby Roslyn – I recommend it if you’re around for the next one. Don’t know if I’ll see you at the Coke briefing. Pinki’s just e’d Horne with another moral stand. Wonder how the sad old git will talk her round this time – watch this space.

to… Katie Philpott

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re… HI YOURSELF!

The story is that the last trainee spent his first month sitting by the fire escape waiting for a proper desk. He got hypothermia and sued. Don’t worry, things have changed. That’s why they stuck you by the big copier on the 3 rd– you’ll overheat rather than freeze.

to… All Departments

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re… room to let

Room to let in cosy central Balham flat.

• Near shops, buses and Jet filling station

• Hygena kitchen w/ ceramic hob

• Neighbourhood Watch area

• Non-smoker preferred

• Must like cats

• And gerbils

• £380 PCM

• First to see will move in!

Call x4667 – Nige.

to… Liam O’Keefe

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re… NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS

Unbelievable – the first bank holiday of the year and I’m sitting in the Miller Shanks creative department staring at Vin and trying to come up with a campaign for Freedom Catalogues. Told him we need a visual idea. He’s the art director, so it’s his problem now.

Our Millenniums in brief. Mine’s a total blank – woke up in a skip in Poplar at five am, 1 Jan, but had a spectacular view of the Dome as I leaned over the edge to puke. Vin was in Berlin and was so depraved he can’t bring himself to tell me what he got up to. On the way back he was gutted that the Y2K bug didn’t kick in and make the Airbus drop from sky – figures the adrenaline rush would’ve worked wonders for his hangover.

Don’t bother e-mailing him. He made a New-Year res’ to get computer literate. First thing this morning he got me to fire up his Mac and log him onto Notes. He had 4,735 unread e’s. He freaked and made me switch it off. Hasn’t said a word since. I gave him some Crayolas and a pad and he’s started to recover.

to… Simon Horne

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re… hippie dipstick

Is there anything the dizzy cow Pinki will work on? She won’t do Embassy Regal for obvious reasons; Army Recruitment because she’s anti-military; Action Man, ditto; Floréal Haircare because they torture kittens. For Christ’s sake, she won’t even work on Everest because they screwed up her mother’s replacement windows. You keep saying she and Liam are the best creative team we’ve got, but have you thought that her delicate political sensibilities might be better suited to a different business? (VSO comes to mind.) Look into it, because if we don’t win Coke and she hasn’t lifted a bloody finger, I’ll have her on the next flight to Somalia.

to… David Crutton

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re… hippie dipstick

Leave it to me. I’ll have a word in her shell-like.

to… Pinki Fallon

cc… Liam O’Keefe

bcc… David Crutton

re… Coke

Pinki, I respect your principles, but we really need you and Liam playing ball with l’equipe ‘A’ on this one. Can I say a couple of things before you make up your mind?

Naturellement , we share your concerns vis-à-vis the Coke/Mammon scenario. It is a vexing state of affairs.

David promises to register forcefully our feelings when next he meets their people.

Secondly, if we do not win it, people will lose their jobs.

I am certain you would not want additions to the unemployment statistics to prey on your mind.

I hope we will see you at the 12.00.

Si

to… Simon Horne

cc… Liam O’Keefe; David Crutton

re… Coke

I phoned Master Shenkar and he’s cool. I know this account is worth more than the GNP of Guatemala, but David won’t accept the business unless we can present them with a more holistic alternative to capitalist imperialism, will he?

to… Pinki Fallon

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re… Coke

Trust me, I’m an adman. See you at the meeting.

to… Creative Department

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re… Coke

Please make your way to the Coke briefing in the boardroom. Simon asks you to bring pads and not to be late.

to… Carla Browne

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re… that bastard!!!

Un-fucking-believable!!!!! Have you heard what the bastard, Crettin, did to Fi? She’s gone!!!!! He made her clear her desk that minute. She didn’t even have time to meet me in the loo for a good cry!!!!!! Can’t believe he fired her on a bank holiday!!!!! We shouldn’t even be here!!!!! The story is he did it ’cos she couldn’t make his stupid e-mail work!! Incredible!!!! I’ve been trying to get her on her mobile all morning. She must be able to do him for wrongful something or other. Let’s talk at lunch!!!!!!! See you in Bar Zero? Zxxx

to… Zoë Clarke

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re… that bastard!!!

I heard, poor cow!! Doesn’t that shit know this is a bad time for her – did you see how much she put on over Christmas? And, apart from her weight, she was a fucking brilliant PA. Anyway, no chance of me coming to lunch. I’ve still got the hangover from hell – glad these bloody millennium thingys only come once every ten years. And I’ve got to start Desperate Dan’s Coke presentation. God, you should see this document. Bloody sodding pie charts everywhere!!!!!!!! Who reads this bollocks? Looks like I’ll be in all night – bang goes step. If you get hold of Fi, e me back with details!!!! I feel so sorry for her!! Cxxx

to… Brett Topowlski

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re… tossers

Is the Coke brief the biggest wank-off yet, or what? Do Crutton and Westbrooke really think we can write decent ads on a strategy like that? ‘Coke: lifeblood’ – what the fuck does it mean? And what’s a ‘carbonated lifestyle delivery system’ when it’s at home? Even Pinki says it stinks. Major worry – I rely on her magic touch with shit briefs. See you in BZ in fifteen and we’ll talk tits: i.e. how the fuck I can get Joanne Guest’s award winning baps into a Kimbelle Super Dri ad without Pinki having me up for Grievous Political Incorrectness.