Matt Beaumont - e - A Novel

to… Creative Department

cc… David Crutton; Daniel Westbrooke

re… arses in gear 2

I am sure you will join me in thanking David and Daniel for a staggeringly inspirational briefing.

‘Coke: lifeblood’ is a truly incisive strategy – one that gives you the chance to do some really famous work.

No doubt your creative juices will be flowing like the Ganges in flood.

I would like to see first thoughts early next week.

Let us get out there and grab the advertising Rottweiler by its hairy testes.

Si

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… tossers

BZ at 1.00. By the way, you got any idea what creative juices look like? Vin just blew his nose and I think his are now in a Kleenex.

to… Chandra Kapoor

cc…

re… e-mail

When the Microsoft ads ask me, ‘Where do you want to go today?’, I do not reply with ‘Finland’ – after Latvia, the dullest country in Europe.

As Head of IT, surely you can answer this simple question. Why is it that every time I send a bloody internal e-mail it ends up in Helsinki? One member of staff has already lost her job today because of this. Sort it out now.

NB: do not blame this on the Millennium Bug. This is the sorriest excuse since ‘the dog ate my homework’.

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

Boy, oh boy!!!! Finally got Fi on her mobile and we went for a quick one at Bar Zero. Just got back!! Un-fucking-believable!!!!! She’s in such a state, poor thing!!!!! Gotta go. Stupid Pinki’s yelling at me to book her shiatsu and that bitch, Susi, won’t lift a finger!! Who the fuck does she think she is, stuck up cow?!!!! Zxxx

to… Zoe Clarke

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

God, poor Fi!!!! But what about me?!!!! Don’t tell a soul, but Rachel whatsit called me down and says the bloody Crettin wants me to work for him!!!! No one lasts five minutes with him (Fi broke the record at four months!) and ’cos I’ve been here the longest, they think I stand a chance of sticking it out. Bloody hell! !!! What do I do now!!!!? Desperate Dan will have a fit if he loses me, but Rachel did a good sell on it. It’s 5k more!!!!! Cxxx

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… the dirt!!!

Can’t believe it! Fi was on 5k more than us? That bitch. She was shit anyway and she’s got a right mouth on her. She deserved everything she got!!! Do you know she told me about you and Brett T. at the Christmas party? Wasn’t going to say, but you deserve some honesty! Anyway, do you really want to work for the Crettin? Money isn’t everything!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… our meeting

Rachel, thanks everso for the offer. I’m thrilled that Mr Crutton suggested me for the job. Obviously it involves a huge amount of responsibility, with plenty of room for personal growth, so it’s not a hard decision to make. I’d love to accept – Carla

to… all_departments@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS

I write to endorse wholeheartedly the sentiments contained in David Crutton’s stirring all-staff note earlier in your day.

The Executive Board in New York are unanimous in their delight at the efforts you put in last year to push the peanut forward and keep us on our toes in the Big Apple.

Under David’s outstanding leadership, Miller Shanks London is well on the way to reclaiming its rightful place as lead office in our European network. I look forward to seeing the evidence with my own eyes when I visit to lend my support to the Coca-Cola pitch.

Winning that one really would be a feather in our caps. Keep up the tremendous work!

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… hooray!

I’m so pleased for Carla that she’s been offered the chance to work for David! She really, really deserves it and I hope she says yes. I think it’s brilliant that we work for a company that’s prepared to give second chances. That embarrassing thing with the Arabian Airways client wouldn’t have been treated nearly so sympathetically by a lot of agencies – Zoe

PS I know you swore her to secrecy, but I hope you don’t mind her telling me – I am her best, best friend in the world!!!!!!!!

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… FASCINATING FINLAND

Oh, how your last e-mail has ignited a debating! ‘The dullest country in Europe’? We are compiling a small list of ‘Finnish Delights’ to provide you with foodstuff for thinking.

• The noble reindeer.

• 397 different flavours of vodka.

• A thriving dancing scene inspired very much by your own Pan’s People.

• The Autumn Skate-a-thon in Räahe, which is lasting for four days and nights!

• Reindeer à la Grêcque, the speciality of the head chef at the Helsinki Holiday Inn.

• The annual clubbing of the pilot whales on Björkoby Island.

• The National Museum of the Herring in Väasa.

I will be making sure to send to you a copy of the Finnish Board of Tourism and Fisheries’ illuminating booklet, Finland: the Culture, the History and the Fish . I think you will be finding it most stimulatory!

Tally-ho! Pertti

PS: My own creativity boffins are now working out their first ‘well-wicked’ Coca-Cola concepts. You are baiting your breath, yes?

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… Carla Browne

Carla tells me that she has been offered the job of Personal Assistant to David. Pardon my French, but I am getting really bloody hacked off with this place. Why am I the last person to find anything out? I would stand more chance of knowing what is going on here if I went to the Groucho and heard it from the chaps at Saatchi and Bartle Bogle.

This is bloody awful timing. I am in sole charge of the most important pitch in this agency’s history. How am I supposed to manage without adequate secretarial support?

I have been at Miller Shanks for fifteen years and it would be nice just for once to be treated with the respect due to the Head of Client Services.

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Carla Browne

I am so chuffed for Carla that she has decided to take you up on your fantastic offer. She is a cracking girl and her time in the exacting role of PA to Head of Client Services has prepared her well. Much as I will miss her, I am certain you will be brilliant for each other. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help her make the transition to the seat outside the Big Office, please do not hesitate to ask. Superb choice!

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Seen that temp who’s in for Crutton? Vin picked up her pheromones in no time – I swear that boy’s dick is a divining rod when it comes to muff. Find an excuse to use the copier by her desk, then look at the bird on p46 of Razzle (36DD/aerosol of Anchor Cream/torque wrench). It’s her twin!