Mark Swallow - Zero Per Cent

“Mangoes, Jack. Never seen them before? Jet-fresh, these, from Mother India.”

He whipped out a knife, slit it down the middle and rapidly criss-crossed the flesh. The first brilliant cube made me grin. This was up there with caviar. I wanted more, now.

“Go man, go!” Nob removed the flat stone and prepared the other half.

“How much are they?”

“To you, 40p. You wouldn’t get a can and a frigging choccy bar from him next door for that, Jack.”

I subtracted four tens from my dinner money. He grabbed a handful of cherries and stuffed them in with my mango, swinging the paper bag round and round till it had mouse ears.

“Prefer you to have them than that bleeder.” He stuffed the treasures deep into my bag and we stared at the beady bird who got embarrassed and crossed to a distant satellite dish.

My love affair with fresh produce had begun and I quickly established myself as the first and most significant fruit-and-vegetarian in the history of Chevy Oak School.

By the end of the week I had an arrangement with Nobbi. I helped him set up for an hour each morning in exchange for as much produce as I could carry. It beat the paper round and provisioned me for a day of steady consumption at school.

“What’s that you got there, Jack?”

At first they took the piss.

“Apple of course.”

“A apple? What for?” They’d proudly show their tongues cradling sweets and yank their digits to spurt their cans. But long after they’d finished the day’s quota, when their gum too was unbearably tasteless, there was I still eating! With their pretty chocolate bars a sticky memory, the fizzy drinks an ugly fur on their tongues, I simply plucked out another brown bag. Radishes, Antiguan tangerines, Frisbee mushrooms and Congolese bananas. I wasn’t darkening Ms Grundle’s canteen doors – and I felt great.

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