Karen Sullivan - You Want to Do What? - Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas

What about Ireland?

In Ireland abortion is banned under most circumstances. However, the law does allow pregnant women to receive counselling and information about all their options. Girls then have a legal right to leave Ireland in order to have an abortion. Most women travel to England where it is legal to have an abortion up to 24 weeks into the pregnancy.

Is my daughter old enough to choose termination?

Legally, any girl in England, Wales and Scotland can have an abortion without her parents’ consent or approval, providing that doctors believe she has a full understanding of the decision, and that it would be in her best interests to do so.

However, if a girl under the age of sixteen does not want an abortion she cannot be forced to have one. In other words, the choice is your daughter’s alone, and she does not need to consult anyone apart from a doctor or clinic.

Is counselling offered beforehand?

In almost all cases, counselling is offered before abortion. This is, however, not obligatory. Counselling normally involves discussing the options open to the girl, as well as ensuring that she has all the information she needs to make an informed choice. Counselling is confidential and non-judgmental, and simply involves helping a young woman to reach a decision in a supportive environment.

While abortion is a personal choice, it is often affected by factors outside a girl’s control – for example, her family set-up, her relationship with her parents, finances, her relationship with the father, her age, her schooling, her aspirations, housing and emotions. It is undoubtedly true that few girls under the age of sixteen would have the emotional maturity to balance these factors and make a sound judgement. For this reason, it’s hugely important that parents are involved in the decision-making process.

Parents of girls should make it clear from early on that although pregnancy and under-aged sex is not advisable, you do wish to be involved if the situation arises.

TALKING TO GIRLS ABOUT ABORTION

The single most important thing you can do for your daughter is to listen. Abortion is not an easy decision to make at any age, and a young woman needs support. If you show displeasure or disappointment, or become upset or angry, your daughter will likely avoid confiding in you in future. The decision to have an abortion has many elements, but ultimately it is your daughter’s decision, and she needs to think it through.

What does my daughter have to consider?

There are many considerations – finances, education, living arrangements, her relationship with the father are all important. Some girls are idealistic and think having a baby will be fun and games without stopping to consider the reality of being responsible for another human being for the rest of that child’s life. Social life will be curtailed, and education will also be affected. Many young mothers go on to complete degrees or learn a trade, but it isn’t an easy option. Having a baby puts strain on even the strongest relationships, and this is significant if your daughter wants her child to grow up with a father around.

Can I object on moral grounds?

For moral, ethical or religious reasons, you may object to abortion; however, while it is important to put your views across in a calm and rational way, and to discuss them, it is important to remember that your daughter is the primary decision-maker and she has the right to choose what is best for her.

At least one in four women will have had an abortion by the age of forty-five and it is a safe procedure in almost all cases. Far fewer women under the age of sixteen have abortions than women over the age of forty. Studies show that very few girls and women use abortion as a form of contraception.

Does having an abortion lead to psychological problems?

Several studies have shown that having an abortion does not lead to psychological problems. Although women may regret having to have an abortion the vast majority find that they have no emotional problems after it. A small number – about three per cent – have long-term feelings of guilt and some of this number feel that the abortion was a mistake. But for these women the unwanted pregnancy was usually one of many problems in their lives, and these problems continued after the abortion. There is some evidence to suggest that for most of these women not having the abortion would not have improved their situation or might have made it worse.

What should I do?

Stay calm – your daughter will likely be frightened and shocked, and also worried about how you will react.

Avoid lecturing. While it is important to be honest about your feelings, your daughter has the right to be honest about hers too, and listening is crucial.

Chastisement is useless, the damage is done. Being supportive does not preclude being disappointed or unhappy. It’s fine to express your concerns and your feelings, but it is equally important to remember that this is not about you but about your daughter.

Don’t insist that she take a particular option; explain your reasoning for it.

Tell your teen what you think of each of the options available to her, and offer to go with her to look into each of the options so she can make informed decisions.

Be honest about the practicalities. If you are against abortion, but have no desire to help raise a baby, you have little room in your home and your finances are already stretched, there is no point in promising something that you have no possibility of fulfilling in order to sway her decision.

What should I not do?

Accuse your daughter of being stupid or promiscuous.

Threaten or force her to follow your decision.

Press for details of her sex life. If she’s pregnant, she’s obviously sexually active, and this is a private matter.

Ask her to leave the family home. Being homeless will only compound the problem, and leave your daughter without resources and support when she needs it most.

Lose your temper. Move on and make the best of the situation. Work together to ensure that it does not arise again.

Are there any support organisations?

Listed overleaf are several organisations that can offer support for both you and your daughter, and also provide information on the procedures available and the aftermath.

Family Planning Association

Information and advice on all aspects of sexual health.