Michael Alexander - Confessions of a School Nurse

This time I was armed to the hilt. I had a questionnaire, a five-minute video on dating and even props.

‘What’s in the box, sir?’ William asked, as eager as ever. I wanted to keep the props for the ‘hands-on’ part at the end, but the boys were too distracted for my quiz, so I popped the lid and delved inside.

‘Contraception is all about correct technique,’ I said, handing the first penis to William.

‘No way, that’s disgusting,’ cried João.

‘It’s a bit small, sir,’ William observed.

‘Nah, that size seems about right for you,’ said another boy.

According to the guidelines, we’re supposed to teach proper technique, and make sure the boys know how to put a condom on, take one off and dispose of it.

I reached down to pick up another prop.

‘Get it out of my face, you homo,’ shouted João as William tried to insert his prop into his friend’s mouth.

‘You seem to be enjoying playing with that, Will,’ I observed, before admonishing him for his choice of language, and he quickly cut out his antics.

I handed the next penis to João.

It would have been better if they’d sent us penises all the same size. João’s was a good two inches bigger than William’s.

‘Now you’re talking,’ he crowed. All twelve boys doubled up with laughter.

I’d started so well, and now it was a circus.

‘What about me, sir? You got one big enough for me?’ said Nnakeme. I knew this would happen – boys will be boys – but I was committed now and ploughed ahead.

‘Who knows how to put on a condom?’

João volunteered, and he didn’t do too badly.

After showing them how to put a condom on and remove it properly, they all had a go, no one was exempt, whatever their background.

It was a fun way to start the session, but now it was time for something a bit more serious, and I handed them the test I’d borrowed from the conference I’d been to in England. They said it was ‘age appropriate’ for 3rd form boys and approved for use in British schools. I was doing everything by the book. Nothing could go wrong.

The Test

The boys needed to answer ‘True’, ‘False’ or ‘Unsure’ to the following statements:

1. A woman can’t get pregnant the first time she has sex

2. A woman can’t get pregnant if the man pulls out before he ejaculates

3. When a girl says no, she doesn’t always mean it

4. You can tell if someone has a sexually transmitted disease

5. Only gay men are at risk of HIV

6. If you love someone you shouldn’t have to use a condom

7. Girls can’t get contraception until they are sixteen years old

8. If a girl is on the pill it means she’s easy

9. Two men or women can be in love with each other

10. It is better to wait until marriage before having sex

11. Someone has to sleep around to get an STD

12. Someone can get an STD from oral sex

13. Using a condom can protect against HIV and STDs

I struggle to think what I would have answered when I was thirteen. We certainly had nothing like this test when I was a boy. But the results of this test, and the many times I’ve conducted it since, make me think that perhaps students do need such information at such a tender and impressionable age.

1. Three boys said you can’t get pregnant the first time, and in every group I’ve since asked, there’s always one or two that get this wrong.

2. A woman can get pregnant if the man pulls out. On average half the class get this wrong.

3. No means ‘No’. Worryingly, on average 3–4 out of twelve get this wrong. I use this opportunity to talk about rape, statutory rape, and problems with consent when alcohol is involved, and knowing the laws of the country you are in.

4. You can’t always tell if someone has an STD. Nearly everyone gets this right.

5. One or two will say ‘true’ and a few will say ‘maybe’. They really do think HIV is a ‘gay only’ disease.

6. The majority get this right and say ‘false’.

7. Most get this wrong, and don’t realise someone under sixteen years of age can be on some form of contraception.

8. Being on the pill doesn’t mean she’s ‘easy’. In one class, half the kids answered ‘true’ or ‘maybe’. I also explained that not all people who take oral contraceptives take it for that purpose.

9. There are always, at least, two or three who say two men or two women cannot love each other.

10. Even those from stern religious backgrounds often feel that you shouldn’t wait until marriage before having sex. I do say there is no right or wrong answer for this.

11. There are always some ‘maybes’ and the occasional ‘true’, but they were shocked to discover that people can have HIV and have never slept around.

12. A lot of kids think oral sex is safe; often over half the class answer ‘false’ or ‘maybe’.

13. While condoms do protect against HIV and STDs, a lot of it comes down to good technique. None of the kids knew that nothing is 100 per cent.

I had some very interesting results. The information gave me some idea of what they needed to know, and in some cases, showed me how they might need to change their attitude. Of course it’s not for me to unduly influence, but boys who genuinely believe a girl doesn’t always mean ‘no’ when she says it, could end up in a lot of trouble one day.

Rachel burst into my office, gasping for air. She had run all the way from the school theatre to get here. It’s not far, but it’s uphill.

‘Sir, you have to come quick, please, it’s urgent.’

I asked what was wrong, but Rachel just grabbed my hand and began pulling me out of the office. ‘Please, sir, just come quick … Kurt is hurt real bad, there’s blood everywhere.’ I let her lead me out of the office, making sure to bring my emergency bag.

As Rachel lead me through the theatre, past the empty stalls, and behind the stage, I wondered where the hell I was going to end up, and what they’d been doing. I’d never been backstage before, but Rachel knew exactly where she was going. She lead into the boys’ changing room.

Kurt was in a bad state. He was lying on the floor, next to the sink. His pants were down around his ankles, and there was blood on his head as well as on the floor, although I couldn’t tell exactly where all the blood was coming from. There seemed to be more than one source of bleeding. Fortunately Kurt was conscious, although as pale as a sheet.

‘What’s wrong, mate, what happened?’ I asked as I knelt down beside him. He lay still but turned his eyes towards me.

‘I feel shit,’ he croaked as he tried to sit up, but I told him to stay lying until I’d had a chance to examine him.

He tried to pull up his pants and I helped him cover himself, while Rachel looked away, her face reddening. ‘I was standing up, then woke up on the floor,’ he said. I asked what he was doing at the time, and he glanced at Rachel and gave her an almost imperceptible nod.

‘We were …’ Rachel stuttered, ‘we were doing, you know … it. And then he screamed, and there was blood, down there. His … his dick was bleeding.’ Kurt was feeling a bit better and again tried to move to a sitting position. I told him to lie back down as I needed to make sure his head and neck were fine but he sat up anyway. ‘It’s so fucking sore.’ I assumed he meant his head, but he very slowly put his hands in his pants and gently cradled his penis.

‘Mate, what have you done?’ I managed a quick glance and it looked a mess.

‘She broke it.’

Rachel began sobbing.

‘I’m sorry, I never meant to, I’m sorry.’

‘Is it gonna be OK, Doc?’ asked Kurt.