Michael Alexander: Confessions of a School Nurse

MICHAEL ALEXANDER

The Friday Project

An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

www.harpercollins.co.uk

This ebook first published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2015

Copyright © Michael Alexander 2015

Cover design © HarperColl‌insPublishers Ltd 2015

Michael Alexander asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

FIRST EDITION

A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

Source ISBN: 9780007586424

Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780007586417

Version: 2015-04-30

To Mum and Dad

Contents

Cover

Title Page MICHAEL ALEXANDER

Copyright The Friday Project An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk This ebook first published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2015 Copyright © Michael Alexander 2015 Cover design © HarperColl‌insPublishers Ltd 2015 Michael Alexander asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work. FIRST EDITION A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins. Source ISBN: 9780007586424 Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780007586417 Version: 2015-04-30

Dedication To Mum and Dad

Disclaimer Disclaimer The stories described in this book are based on my experiences working as a school nurse in boarding schools over the past ten years. To protect confidentiality, some parts are fictionalised and all places and names are changed, but nonetheless they remain an honest reflection of the variety and crazy goings-on witnessed during a decade’s worth of school nursing – surprising as that might come to seem!

PROLOGUE PROLOGUE

A Taste A Taste Marcus made sure no one was sitting near the door before closing it. ‘It’s really personal,’ he whispered to me over his shoulder. ‘It has to be a guy,’ he’d insisted when he arrived at the bustling nurses’ office. Most requests of this nature are girls asking to see a female nurse; though this was only my first week in the role, Marcus was the first student to ask to see a man, so my mind went into overdrive imagining the ways in which I could impart my knowledge in a reassuring, helpful manner to a young man in obvious need. As Marcus turned from the door to face me, his hands delved into the front of his pants. He wasn’t in uniform; he wore loose track pants instead. I got the feeling than an inspection of that area was on the horizon. He refused a seat, so I asked him what the problem was. ‘You won’t tell anyone?’ he answered. ‘Of course I won’t tell anyone, just explain what’s wrong.’ ‘They’re sore. My nuts are sore. And the left one seems bigger.’ Ah! I could either take a look at Marcus now, or wait for him to be seen at the local doctor’s office. I chose the latter. There was no need for the poor lad to be exposing himself more than necessary. It’s not that Dr Fritz wouldn’t have trusted my judgment, but there’s more to feeling someone’s nuts than the average guy thinks. Is there a lump? Does it move freely? Is it attached to the testicle? Is the spermatic cord twisted? It would be up to Dr Fritz to decide what to do – whether it would require an urgent scan today or was something that could wait – so he would need to examine the lad properly. And besides, this environment wasn’t ideal for an intimate examination; the south wall of my office was made of glass, a window that looked out upon the mountains and a large terrace … a window with no curtain. But Marcus was too quick for me. ‘You have to see them,’ he declared, whipping his pants down. Looking up, he gave a short scream. No students were on the terrace, but Mrs Driscoll, the headmaster’s wife, was there with what looked like a prospective family … admiring the view. Despite the incident, the prospective girl did enroll. Rumour has it she insisted. Now don’t worry, I’ll get back to Marcus’s nuts in a minute, but before I do, let me tell you how I came to be here on this snowy mountain.

The first day

Marcus’s jewels

Chapter One: The Transition

Luke

Learning the basics

Agent trouble

Taking the lead

Basketball

Checklist

Chapter Two: Sex and Education

The talk

Girl talk

Teaching the teachers

Kurt and Rachel

Night-time wanderings

The sex side of things

The crush

Using your assets

Long weekends

Veronika

Consent

Dilemma

Chapter Three: School Nursing

Itch

Sores

The real deal

Parents’ worst nightmare

Type I

Gravity

Breathless

Francesca

Break-a-bone season

Caio and Celeste

Igor

The staff

Foodies

Priorities

Payback

When the fun goes bad

Chapter Four: The Internet

Swine Flu

Google

The Iliac Crest?

Reply all

Freddy

Electric friends

Chapter Five: Drugs

Getting your buzz on

A testing time

Jimmy

Ruben’s demons

Kate and Kelly

Chapter Six: Counselling

Ameena

Rocket man

Niko

Celine

Girlfriend woes

Chapter Seven: In Loco Parentis

Naif

David

Edward

Rich personalities

Expulsion

Maria

Enrolment by default

The Ivan effect

Fun in the sun

EPILOGUE

Graduation

The grand finale

Acknowledgements

Confessions of a School Nurse is part of the bestselling ‘Confessions’ series.

About the Author

Also by Michael Alexander

About the Publisher

The stories described in this book are based on my experiences working as a school nurse in boarding schools over the past ten years. To protect confidentiality, some parts are fictionalised and all places and names are changed, but nonetheless they remain an honest reflection of the variety and crazy goings-on witnessed during a decade’s worth of school nursing – surprising as that might come to seem!

Marcus made sure no one was sitting near the door before closing it.

‘It’s really personal,’ he whispered to me over his shoulder.

‘It has to be a guy,’ he’d insisted when he arrived at the bustling nurses’ office. Most requests of this nature are girls asking to see a female nurse; though this was only my first week in the role, Marcus was the first student to ask to see a man, so my mind went into overdrive imagining the ways in which I could impart my knowledge in a reassuring, helpful manner to a young man in obvious need.