Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

Parker looked at me quizzically – & I said – Ignore him. His ears are bigger than his brain. What he misheard is that Im proposing to do a thesis on the psychology of alternative therapy. The medical establishment says its mostly nonsense – the practitioners point to what they claim are well documented successes. Im not interested in joining in the debate – but in looking at a variety of these therapies – & seeing if I can find any common psychological elements in their practise & their results –

Good – eh? Should be. Parkers not the only one who has a selling line off pat!

Across the table I could see the Headbangers eyes starting to roll & Id hardly finished before he broke out – There you have it Mr Parker. My clever daughters already spent three years with her nose in a pile of musty books – learning a lot of nowt about a lot of nowt just to get some letters after her name – & now she wants to spend another God knows how long doing much the same just to get some more. She can go on till shes got the whole damn alphabet – but wheres it going to lead? thats what Id like to know. Ive tried talking sense into her but its like –

Here he glared at the twins – daring them to finish his sentence again. I think David would have – but Freddie kicked him under the table. Bet she wants to wheedle some more spending money out of him for her school trip this autumn! Since G & me went skiing – she thinks shes owed a month in a 5 star in Miami!

Tom Parker endeared himself to me by saying – But that is marvellous Charlotte – understanding the mind is the first step to restoring the body – we need more young people like you to put this sick world of ours to rights! –

See – you dont have to go shogging off to Africa to be a saint!

Later – as Mary helped Tom limp from the room – he said to mum – A delicious meal Amy – best Ive had – outside of Sandytown – & Mary added – Yes – thank you both for your kindness. Youve got a lovely family Amy –

Well you know how much dad loves to hear mum being praised – so he hardly moaned at all about our guests when theyd gone upstairs – though I thought hed explode when we heard next morning the car wouldnt be ready for at least 3 days!

I did my bit – keeping them from getting under his feet. No problem – like I say – I really got to like them – & they seemed to like me too. Tom showed real interest in my thesis proposal – & today he said – Charlotte – (they both call me Charlotte – which is nice) – you know we intend calling on Mr Godley the healer on our way home – why dont you come with us? You could talk to him about his patients – for your thesis –

I said – but youd be well on your way home by the time you got to Willingdene & you wouldnt want to turn round & come all the way back here –

& Mary said – actually we did wonder if youd like to come all the way to Sandytown & spend a few days with us at Kyoto House –

I said – Kyoto? – thinking Id misheard.

Tom said – yes – perhaps I was hasty – the Kyoto Protocol has proved pretty toothless hasnt it? If Id waited I think Al Gore House might have been more appropriate –

Mary didnt look as if she agreed – but she nodded vigorously as Tom went on – please come – you could meet our other therapists – give us the benefit of your take on our great experiment – & most importantly – wed get more of your company! –

Well its always nice to be wanted – even so Id probably have said thanks but no thanks – only dad had come into the room at some point – & suddenly he spoke in that Wiz of Oz voice he uses when hes really laying down the law.

– nay – he declared – shes not been back home 2 minutes – shell not want to be gallivanting off afore shes needed her sheets changed –

Maybe I should have been touched at his desire to keep me close. All I actually felt was the usual irritation that – even at 22 – he still wanted to treat me like a kid.

I said – no reflection on your own personal hygiene dad – but Ive changed my sheets at least twice since I came home. Now getting back to the matter in hand – thank you very much Tom & Mary for your kind invitation. Id be really delighted to accept –

So there you have it. Heres me – a rational being – with a degree certifying Ive spent 3 years studying what makes people tick – & what do I end up doing?

Going to visit a place Ive no reason to like – in the company of people I hardly know – just to prove Im not a kid anymore!

Now thats really mature – eh?

Watch this space for my next exciting adventure in darkest Mid-Yorkshire.

& I look forward to some truly madly steamy revelations from darkest Africa!

Lots of love

Charley xx

Ho’d on. How the fuck do I know this bloody thing’s working?

HELLO! HELLO! DALZIEL SPEAKING! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YOU MUGWUMPS, AND DESPAIR!

Now, let the dog see the rabbit … I’ll try pressing this, like the bishop said to

Christ, do I really sound like that? No wonder the buggers jump!

So it works. So what? Hears everything I say and plays it back word for fucking word. What’s so clever about that? Old Auntie Mildred could do exactly the same – plus good advice! So that’s you christened, right? Mildred!

But listen, Mildred, you start telling me to wear my woolly vest and it’s straight out of the window for you!

Yon Festerwhanger were right, but. Nice bit of kit this.

Jesus, Andy, listen to yourself! Nice bit of kit! You be careful, lad, else you’ll end up like all these kids with their p-pods, walking around with idiot grins on their faces and their heads nodding like them daffs in the poem.

Keep a record of little thoughts you might lose, Fester said, and mebbe some big questions you normally don’t have time to ask yourself.

Right, Dalziel, sod the little thoughts, let’s start with the biggest question of them all.

How the fuck did I end up here in Sandytown talking to meself like the village loony?

Let’s try and build it up bit by bit like Ed Wield ’ud build up a case file.

Back to the big bang in Mill Street that set it all rolling.

That were the Bank Holiday, end of May.

Don’t recall much of June, mebbe ’cos I spent most of it in a coma.

Good thing about a coma, they told me, was it gave my cracked bones time to start mending. Bad thing was it didn’t do much for my muscle tone.

Never knew I had muscle tone before.

Found out the hard way.

First time I tried getting out of bed by myself, I fell over.

Let a week go by, then tried again. But this time I made sure there was a nice fat nurse to fall on to.

Third time I took three steps towards the door and fell into Pete Pascoe’s arms.

‘Where are you going?’ he asks.

‘Home,’ sez I. ‘Soon as I bloody well can.’

‘How do you propose doing that?’ sez he in that prissy voice he puts on.

‘I’ll bloody well walk if I have to,’ sez I.

He let go of me and stepped back.

I fell over.

I lay there and looked up at him with pride.

When I first met him he were a detective constable, soft as shit and so wet behind the ears you could have used him to clean windows.

Now he were my DCI, and he were hard enough to let me fall and leave me lying.

He’d come a long way and ought to go a lot further.

‘OK, clever clogs,’ I sez. ‘You’ve made your point. Now get me back into bed.’

Soon it were getting on for August, and I were still the only one talking about going home. Cap made encouraging remarks, but changed the subject when we got on to dates. I thought, sod this for a lark, they can’t keep me here when I want to be off!