Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

Im giving you Tom Parker verbatim – else youd miss the flavour. Its like listening to an old fashioned book come to life!

Dad smiled. You know how much he enjoys putting daft buggers right.

– it were once a mill right enough – & its certainly old. But theres not been anybody living there for half a century or more & Ill tell you why. This here is Willing den – just the one e. Willing dene is way up at the northern end of the dale –

If hed been a footie player – hed have set off running round the meadow – whirling his shirt over his head! He just loves winning – no matter who gets beaten. Remember those games of snap we used to play?

Mr Parker seemed more cast down by this news than by his sprained ankle.

– Im sorry my dear – he said to his wife – I should have taken more notice –

Taking all the blame on himself again – even though she was the one with the mag article. Nice – I thought. His reward was her continued terrier like support.

– it makes no difference – she said – this is marked on the map as a public right of way & someone ought to keep it in a proper condition –

– Charley – said dad quickly – whats the verdict on that ankle? –

I couldnt see any point in disagreeing with the patient.

– I think Mr Parkers right & its just a sprain – I said – a cold compress will help & he certainly shouldnt put any weight on it –

How was that Nurse Heywood?

– right – said dad – Charley bring the quad – lets get Mr & Mrs Parker down to the house – make them a bit more comfortable. George – you stop here & get the car pulled out of that mud. Clean it up & check for damage. Ill get on my mobile – tell your mother to put the kettle on – Im sure these good people are ready for a nice cup of tea –

I caught his eye & let my jaw drop in mock astonishment at this transformation from dedicated xenophobe to Good Samaritan.

He actually blushed! Then he gave me a sheepish grin that invited my complicity.

I grinned back & headed off towards the quad.

Hes not such a bad old sod really – is he? As long as he gets his own way. Bit like you! All right – & like me too. The fruit doesnt fall far from the tree. But you led the way. If you hadnt stood up to him & gone off to nurse – I doubt Id have had the nerve to hold out to go to uni & do psychology – & now after 3 years – whenever he gets close to driving me mad – I try to think of him as a case study!

But Ive still not told you how the Parkers came to be house-guests.

Thing was – when G pulled their car out of the tank trap – he found it wouldnt steer properly. Winstons garage said they could fix it – but theyd have to send away for a part. Tomorrow – they said – but knowing Winstons Im not holding my breath.

When Parker heard this he said – thats fine. No problem whatsoever. Perhaps – Mr Heywood – you could give me the number of the inn I saw in the village? – It looked a comfortable sort of place for us to rest in till the cars ready –

I could see the thoughts running through dads head like hed got a display screen on his brow. Being the most litigious man in the county – in Parkers place hed have been thinking compensation soon as his car hit the tank trap. Locally his views on daft buggers are well known – & he even boasts about his various stratagems for discouraging them. But these days – with tourism rated higher than farming in the rural economy – not everyone approves of him – & the enthusiastic gossips of the Nags Head bar would leave the Parkers in no doubt who to blame for their ‘accident’!

So I wasnt too surprised when I heard him say – Nags Head? – aye – its well enough. But the floors are uneven – stairs narrow – not at all what a man in your state needs. No – youd best stay here. Ill get George to bring your bags up from the car –

The Parkers were overcome by dads generosity. So was mum – with amazement! – but she quickly recovered – & I gave dad a big wink – & got one back!

So there you are. We have house-guests – & its time to go down & have supper with them. Ill keep you posted on how the HB bears up under the strain.

Take care – dont catch anything I wouldnt catch – & if you fall in love with a big handsome black man – e me a pic of you & him – & Ill stick it in dads prayer book so hell see it for the first time at church on Sunday morning!

Lots & lots of love

Charley X

Omigod Cass! I must be psychic! OK – you say hes not black – but teaky bronze. Same difference – & is that all over? I mean all all over? & hes a doc too – just like in mums Mills & Boon stories! Means youll probably have trouble with some slinkily gorgeous lady medic – wholl manage to get you blamed when she accidentally offs a patient – but dont worry – itll all come right in the end!

I definitely want a pic. Cross my heart I wont stick it in dads prayer book – not till you give the word! But can I tell mum? Shes desperate for grand-kids. Adam & Kylie show no sign of producing – even if they did Oz is a hell of long way off – can you imagine getting the HB on a plane to fly twelve thousand miles? Rod spends most of his time at sea – & we know what sailors are! She was desolate when I got back early from my camping trip with Liam & Sam & Dot – & told her it was all off – irreconcilable differences – which is what us psychs say to our mums when we catch ex-partner Liam banging ex-best-mate Dot up against a pine tree. So – unless you settle down & start calving – I think she may strap me to my bed – & get to work with an AI straw!

Your news makes my stuff about the Parkers seem v dull – but you say youre interested so here goes with the next instalment.

As house-guests go – they havent! Winstons – as forecast – got let down by their suppliers – again! So 1 nights turned into 3. But its been OK. I like Mary Parker a lot. Doesnt say much around her husband – except in agreement with him – or defence of him! But – get her to herself & shes great.

Tom Parkers v different – thinks silence is for the grave & the living have a duty to resist!

His favourite topic – unless checked his only topic – is Sandytown – as advertised on the side of his car!

Remember Sandytown? I think that was the last Heywood family outing. Me 9 or 10 – you 13 – sea cold & grey – sand gritty – wind so strong it blew our windbreaks away – & Sandytown itself seemed to be shut! To cap it all – on the way back – George was sick – & that set me off – & soon we were all at it! Dad sang all the way home! After 3 years doing psychology I reckon I know why. He clearly saw the whole trip as a successful experiment in aversion therapy!

So when Tom Parker started rattling on about Sandytown at supper that first night – I didnt dare catch Georges eye.

Ill give it you verbatim again – really – this is how he talks!

– Sandytown! – he said – Beautiful Sandytown – the most lustrous pearl in the long necklace of the Yorkshire coast! You see Charlotte – (fixing his eye on me – I think hes decided Im the intellectual epicentre of the Heywood family – or maybe he just likes my boobs!) – a new age of the English holiday is dawning. Compared with it – the old age – which died with the onset of cheap Mediterranean packages – will seem but a trial run. Two practical reasons for the change – global warming & global terrorism! We travel in fear & we travel in discomfort. We have our personal belongings – & indeed our persons – searched by hard-faced – & hard-fingered – strangers. We are prodded into line by armed police. We are forced to eat with implements which – lacking the rigidity necessary to be a threat to soft human flesh – cannot begin to cope with airline food. Nor can we feel safe on arrival. Tourists are everywhere regarded as a soft terrorist target – while global warming – exacerbated by the soaring emission levels of flight – has led to a dramatic increase in the incidence of natural disasters – floods – drought – hurricanes – earthquakes – tsunamis – etc –