Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

By now dad was regarding him with gobsmacked amazement – mum with polite interest – his wife with fond admiration – & the twins were choking back their giggles.

To me it was clear that Parker was reciting some kind of sales pitch – one made so often the record would run to its end unless interrupted.

So when he paused for breath I got in quick with – Why were you looking for a healer Tom? –

– a very perceptive question Charlotte – he replied smiling at me – to which my answer is – health! Let me explain. We live in a sick world – a world suffering from some deep-rooted wasting disease – of which terrorism & warming are but symptoms. To cure the whole we must start with the smallest part – the individual! The English seaside holiday originated in a search for recreation in the strictest sense. Pure ozone-enriched air to cleanse the lungs – surging salty water to refresh the skin & stimulate the circulation – peace & quiet to restore the troubled spirit –

Seeing he was getting back into his groove – I cut in again – Sounds to me like a healers the last thing you need! –

– A good point! – he cried with delight. (Its a great technique this – being delighted with everything anyone says!) – To understand the healer it is of course necessary to understand the history. Some 2 years ago – when Mid-Yorkshire Council began discussion of their Eastern Region Development Plan – naturally Lady Denham & myself took a keen interest in their proposals for the Sandytown area …

– whos Lady Denham? – I asked – reducing him to amazed silence – & dad – always glad to know something I dont – chipped in – This the Denhams of Denham Park?

– you know the family? – said Tom – delighted.

– know of them – grunted dad – & little good – bad landowners – worse landlords – thought theyd gone to the wall long since –

– in a sense they have – agreed Parker – but Lady Denham – now alas a widow for a second time – only bears the name through marriage. Her 2nd incidentally. Before that she was Mrs Hollis – & before that Miss Daphne Brereton – only daughter of the Breretons of Brereton Manor – Sandytowns premier family – well to do – highly respected. Money calls to money – place to place – that is my experience – though I do not suggest that love was absent when she caught the eye of Howard Hollis –

– Hollis? – Dad interrupted – Hog Hollis? – him as got et by his own pigs? –

I saw the twins perk up. Anything grisly really turns them on!

– indeed – there was a tragic accident – said Tom – You knew Mr Hollis? –

– met him a couple of times – said dad unenthusiastically – folk reckoned he kept his pigs in the sea his meat were so salty & watery! Made a fortune but he were a right miserable sod – only time he ever smiled was for yon photo on them Hollis’s Ham freezer packs you see all over the supermarkets – & that were probably wind! –

I caught mums eye & we shared a moment of speculation about when dad had last been inside a supermarket!

Tom said – he was certainly a man who – despite his great success – remained true to his roots. Perhaps it was the contrast offered by the more refined manners of Sir Henry Denham that made the widow look favourably upon his advances. Alas – fate is not sentimental – & within all too short a time Sir Henry was also brought low –

– et by the pigs too? – chimed in David hopefully. Dad gave him a glower. He can say what he wants but he expects his kids to observe the conventions.

– a riding accident – said Tom – & while Daphne Breretons first marriage certainly left her with even more wealth than she brought to it – from her second – it is general knowledge – she derived little more than the respect due to an ancient name –

Pause for applause. Instead – Mary P gave a little gasp – maybe a repressed sneeze – echoed by dads openly incredulous snort.

Parker – unperturbed – went on – She & I – as principal landowners in the area – had already been planning to put Sandytown on the map long before the MYCC proposals. She had led the way by being instrumental in bringing the Avalon Foundation to Sandytown. You have heard of Avalon – of course? –

This time me & dad both nodded. Hardly need to tell you what dad said!

– oh aye – we know all about the Avalon. When I read in the papers – a few years back – the Yanks were building a fancy clinic out on the coast – I said to our Cass – that ud be a grand place for you to work – them Yanks know how to pay nurses & you could get home in an hour – but it were like –

– banging my head against a brick wall! – chorused the twins – then collapsed in giggles.

Dad gave them a glower – & Tom Parker went rattling on.

– Lady Denham & I – in our private discussions – had pre-empted the Councils conclusion that Sandytown was perfectly placed to take advantage of the changes in recreational climate – both meteorologically & intellectually speaking – & formed a loose alliance – & put 1 or 2 projects in train. But now we approached the Councils Development Officer – who was rapidly persuaded by our projections of the increase in local employment – & of tourism – plus our plans for a measure of affordable housing – to join with us in the formation of the Sandytown Development Consortium – a true partnership between the public & private sectors – underpinned – through the good offices of my brother Sidney – by significant investment institutions in the City –

He paused – momentarily lost in the forests of his own verbosity – & his wife came in with a prompt – The Avalon dear – & the healer –

Indeed! – he resumed – the Avalon. The siting of such a famous centre of medical care & recuperation on our doorstep seemed to me a hint almost divine. At the centre of our Development Plan is the conversion of Brereton Manor – Lady Ds childhood home – into a 5 star luxury hotel & recreational health centre. All the conventional attractions – golf – tennis – horseriding – swimming – beauty treatments – saunas – gymnasia – & so on – will be on offer here – & available to all visitors to our town – not just those who can afford the Manors necessarily high prices. However – to place us firmly in the new niche market where Sandytown – I forecast – will rapidly dominate – we are offering a range of complementary therapies for those who find that conventional medicine does not answer their needs –

He paused – for breath not applause – then pressed on – alternative medicine is – you will agree – another great 21st century growth area. We already have several practitioners in residence – an acupuncturist – a reflexologist – a homeopath – a Third Thought counsellor – but spiritual healers are harder to come by. I was hoping to talk to Mr Godley – the gentleman at Willingdene – with a view to persuading him to be – as it were – a visiting consultant –

By now dad had heard enough – indeed too much!

– healers! – he snorted – Load of mumbo-jumbo. Me – Id rather be treated by my vet – even though the bugger charges a fortune –

– then perhaps you should read this article – suggested Parker who seems quite unoffendable – it claims that Mr Godley has had some astonishing results with animals –

A sharp glance from mum made dad choke back his suggestion what Tom could do with the article – but David burst out – Charley thinks its all a load of bollocks too! –

– David! – said mum sternly – Language! –

– but its true – the little gobshite defended himself – You do think its all rubbish – dont you Charley? You were telling us you were going to write a composition about it –