Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

– yes – I noticed the Rolex – I said – all bright eyed – thinking no harm in letting the old cow peg me as a predatory fortune hunter – could lull her into a false sense of security if I decide to have me wicked way with the bart! – That must be worth 5 thou of anyones money! –

– yes indeed – she said triumphantly – mine! – it was Sir Harrys – my late husbands – Teddys uncle. I gave it to Teddy as a memento – there was nothing in the will – you understand – but I beleive Sir Harry would have wanted it – family meant much to him – & as Teddys circumstances have meant he has had to part with many Denham heirlooms – it is good he should retain at least one item – to remind him of dear Harry – & better days –

Meaning – I interpreted – that Teddy wouldnt dare flog it – cos shed be asking him the time whenever they met!

Well – I had news for her – Id wondered why the bart took off his Rolex before entering the water – those things are supposed to be still working when theyre dredged up from a ten year old shipwreck. So when I collected the guys trunks – I checked it out – & its definitely a Hong Kong job – 20 quid off a sampan – you could bend the expanding ‘gold’ bracelet with two fingers if you took a fancy to! I reckon Ted-on-the-rocks has flogged the original – & invested in a fake – to fool auntie. Could explain how come he could afford a Buell. That won-it-in-a-lottery story had sounded pretty feeble!

Good for him! – I thought – & I said to her – yes – I understand – & Im sure someone as attractive – & talented – as Teddy will have little difficulty in finding someone his equal in name – & his superior in income –

Nicely put – eh?

She nodded – & smiled – & said – Im so pleased we understand each other – my dear – now I must toil up this path to lunch –

She let go of my arm – & Ess – whod been veiwing our tete-a-tete with great suspicion – went into ministering angel mode – leaping forward – presumably to ensure Lady Ds foot did not dash against a stone.

Her ladyship did not look at her – but gazed on me assessingly. I guessed she wanted to reward me for being a sensible peasant – possibly with an invite to lunch – which I wasnt crazy about – but might just accept – to put Esthers nose out of joint!

Then she said – in a very measured extremely condescending tone – Miss Heywood do tell Tom Parker to bring you to my hog-roast this Sunday –

Her hog-roast – which – according to Mary – the Consortium was paying for!

I resisted the temptation to do a curtsey – & said – that would be lovely – but Im probably going home on Saturday –

I expected her to react sort of amazed anyone could turn down a royal invite – instead she said – yes – of course – your family must miss you – family loyalties are so important. Come if you change your mind – meanwhile – do feel free to stay here as long as you like – & dont be afraid to come again – whenever the public beach is full –

There! In my place – or what?

I felt like kicking sand in her face.

Instead I said – very dignified – thank you – so kind – but I really ought to get back to my freinds – & off I stalked!

Id gone about a dozen yards when Teddy caught up with me.

– dont take any notice of the old bat – he said – she cant help it – still thinks were living in the dark ages! –

Which might have impressed me with his independence – if he hadnt still been whispering – for fear of being overheard!

I said – better get back – else you might be sent to bed – without any lunch –

He grinned – hes got a great grin – & said – who cares about lunch – so long as the company in beds good? Look – Id like to see you again – soon –

I said – pushing it – is that an invitation to Denham Park then? – or do you need permission to invite someone to your own home? –

He winced – then said – of course not – though I warn you – the plumbings terrible! What Id really like is to give you a ride – on the Beast I mean. You could borrow Ests leathers. The trick is – to get the full experience – not to wear anything at all underneath! –

Who writes this guys scripts?!!

But – like a good thriller – it may be a load of crap – but you cant stop reading it!

I said – Ill think about it – & scrambled over the rocks – back to the main beach – even more crowded now than before. Suddenly the peace & friendliness of Kyoto House seemed very attractive.

So off I set to trudge back up the hill.

But my exciting adventures werent over yet!

However – youll have to wait for the next exciting episode – as I have to go & interview a woman who says that an infusion of whortleberries & a nettle oil massage have taken 20 years off her age.

You see – Im a working girl too!

Much love

Charley xxx

Hi again!

Well that was fun! If the berries & nettles have made her 20 years younger – she must have been nigh on 100 before. Fits under my grasping at straws category. Ready to beleive anything except that youre going to die.

Back to the land of the living. Now where was I …? Oh yes. The foot of the hill.

The road up North Cliff seemed a lot steeper than when Id come down – & showing off to the bart had taken more out of me than I thought. By the time I reached Witch Cottage I was ready for a rest – so I sat on the little garden wall. There was an ancient motorbike plus sidecar parked outside. Some poor sod hoping to alleviate his saddle soreness by having needles stuck in his bum – I theorized.

I heard the door open behind me – & glanced round to see Yan Lee ushering a man out. He was wearing motorbike leathers – & putting on a helmet – but the brambly beard was a dead giveaway. It was Gordon Godley – the healer from Willingdene. I remembered Tom saying hed agreed to come over – to check the set-up here in Sandytown. Remembered too my sense he knew a lot more about the set-up here than hed let on.

& when I saw them exchange a hug & a kiss – not a one cheek peck either – but a full lip job – & I thought hello! – not so unworldly after all – bit of pillow talk going on here Id guess – wonder if theres a book on faith-healing in that Teach Yourself series!

When he clocked me sitting on the wall – he stopped dead in his tracks – like hed seen a rabid Doberman. Behind him Miss Lee gave me her little Oriental bob – went back inside – & closed the door – leaving him & me standing – facing each other – both stock still – like a pair of gunfighters in a spaghetti western – each waiting for the other to make a move. While his biking leathers didnt do for him what they did for the bart – they did have a juvenating effect – & I adjusted my estimate of his age down a few notches – more 45 than 55 –

He cracked first & finally started towards me like a man on his way to the gallows!

Funny – not nice having a really off-putting effect on somebody – not even somebody you dont care a toss about! Id have moved off without passing the time of day – but I felt I owed it to Tom to make it clear – in case Mr G hadnt grasped it on our previous meeting – that I wasnt a permanent blot on the village landscape. Wouldnt want it on my conscience that I was responsible for putting the Sandytonians out of reach of godly Gordons healing hands!