Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

Daphne Brereton – Lady D – wealthy by birth – & wealthier by her first marriage – is naturally the object of much interest – living – & even more – dead! The Great Philosophical Question occupying Sandytonians isnt the meaning of life – or even – can England ever win the World Cup again? – any world cup! – but – wholl inherit Lady Ds lolly?!

Mary has a nice narrative style – little overt malice – but she purses her lips when certain subjects come up – & you get the message as well as the facts!

Not much chance of the money going to charity – it seems. Lady D feels the poor of the world probably deserve it – except for poor old horses – whose reward for having their spines bent by big bums like hers during their prime should be an old age of comfort & freedom! Used to be a very keen hunter herself – kept half a dozen top class horses – her one extravagance – Mary says. Gave them up after Sir Harrys accident – only keeping one old boy – Ginger – for looking down at the peasants from as she hacks around the countryside!

So – OXFAM – eat your heart out! Daphs stated belief is – money should stay in the family – but which family? – is the question.

Hot favourites for a long time were the Denhams – specifically a nephew who inherited the title & Denham Park when Lady Ds husband – Sir Harry – died. Nothing else – because there wasnt anything else – & even the house was a poisoned chalice – entailed so he couldnt sell it – & it would cost a fortune to get back to what it once was.

Love apart – Sir Harrys plan had been to repair the family mansion – & his own fortunes – by a ‘good’ marriage – told you it was like a 19th century novel! – but hed popped his clogs before any of his brides fortune could find its way into the Denham account.

According to Mary – Lady D had been heard to say – in confidential mood – that though shed got nothing but her title from the Denham marriage – on the other hand shed given nothing for it! Some dame – eh? Perhaps it was her sense of having lost nothing – plus of course it must give her a nice power charge – that made her play along when the new baronet – Sir Edward – & his sister – Esther – started cosying up to her. Lady D loves having them dance attendance – drops them little tit-bits from time to time to keep them interested – took them on a skiing holiday last Christmas for instance. That made them think they were at the top of the inheritance list – so they must have got a nasty shock when shortly after they came back Lady D brought cousin Clara to live at the Hall! To compensate – maybe – she gave Sir Ed some kind of job in the Hollis pig empire – not his kind of thing at all – Mary implied – but hed had to take it – or risk losing his cosying-up access!

Seems first hubby – Hog Hollis – was built in the same mould – expecting relatives to put up with his bossy ways – & be grateful for whatever crumbs he dropped their way. Closest – in blood at least – was his half-brother – Harold – known as Hen – Hollis. Seems the pair never got on – & when they inherited Millstone – the family farm – rather than work together – Hog went with the pigs – & Hen with the poultry – hence their names – gerrit?!

Neck & neck at first – till Hen got hit hard by the salmonella scare way back. Needed cash badly – turned to Hog who was doing well – Hog offered a loan – but being echt Yorkshire – demanded Hens share of Millstone as security. When – despite the loan – the chicken business finally went bust – Hog gave Hen a job – in charge of quality control – in his pig business. But it was still family loyalty – Yorkshire style! Part of Hens salary came in the form of letting him continue to live at Millstone Farm – all of which now belonged to Hog!

Hog himself was now ensconced in Sandytown Hall – from which he wooed Daphne Brereton. They married – Hog continued to prosper – Hen & Lady D didnt get on – but both of them were used to not getting on with people so nothing strange there – then Hog died – & left nearly everything to his widow. His token acknowledgement of family ties was that he only left her Millstone in trust. The building & everything on the farm would revert to Hen – if he survived his sis-in-law.

Locally – says Mary – if you want to bet on Hen outliving Lady D you can get odds of 20 to 1! She enjoys vigorous good health – hes a hard drinker – & smoker – & ‘choleric’ – most of his choler being directed at his brothers relict – who is enjoying what he – & several other Hollises – thought should have come to the family.

Led by Hen – these disaffected Hollises raised objections to the will. Not all of them – some – like Alan Hollis who runs Lady Ds pub the Hope & Anchor – knew what side their bread was buttered on. The others got nowhere – Lady Ds smart London lawyer soon swatted off their flimsy legal objections. Lady D was ready to be patronizingly generous in victory – after all in their shoes shed have done exactly the same – but when she learned that Hen was trying a new tack – & circulating rumours that shed had a hand in her husbands death – she went bananas!

Daph & Hen had a violent – & public – row – which ended with Hen refusing to retract his insinuations. Maybe hed forgotten that Lady D was now his boss. If so he was quickly reminded when she fired him – & when he retaliated by saying he didnt fancy working for a fat old tart anyway – Daph really put the boot in by serving him notice to quit the Hollis farm – which she was legally entitled to do.

Happy families – eh? Makes our lot seem right cosy!

At least Hen has the satisfaction of knowing Daph has no way of stopping him getting Millstone back – if he outlives her. But the others – that is the Denhams – & cousin Clara – are going to have to sing her song for whatever supper she may leave them. Mary shows little sympathy for the bart & his sister – but she purses her lips on Claras behalf – implying her position in the household is less honoured guest than unpaid housekeeper & general factotum!

Made me feel guilty about bad-thinking her – Clara I mean – now I know shes a poor relative – probably shivering in an attic bedroom – & scrubbing floors & cleaning grates for her daily gruel – & brawn on Sundays!

– so Lady Denhams a bit tight with money? – I said – stopping short of Uncle Sidneys phrase.

– you could say that – said Mary.

– but she is throwing this big hog-roast party next Sunday – I said.

Mary did the pursed lip thing again. (I really must practice it! Might come in useful when patients ask my opinion about their amatory feelings towards their livestock!)

– the event is financed by the Consortium – she said – all Daphne Brereton is providing is the location. The Hope and Anchor – which she owns – is supplying the drink – & I gather shes even charging the Consortium for the Hollis pig – so – as usual – she will end up making a hefty profit! –

Interesting – eh?

Spent the evening playing snap with the Parker kids. Found it hard not to do a Headbanger & win all the time – so I rang home – just to remind myself what I was missing. Nice chat with mum – then dad came on. In a good mood – got the house the way he likes it again – no visitors – just him – mum – George plus the twins – & me where he likes me – at the end of a phone line – where were both at our best!

Told him about the escaped convie – Mr Deal – aka Dee Ell – who claimed to know him.

– big bugger? – he said – looks like his mam got put to stud with a prize bull? –

Got a way with words – our dad – but I had to admit he was on the ball here.