Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

He died – fattening the pigs who helped fatten him – (I had to practically kick Minnie onward from all the gory details – mostly imagined I guess – of the poor sods death!) – leaving his wife even richer than hed found her – & eventually she remarried – Sir Henry Denham – & Denham Park became her official address – though – probably not caring for the pig pong but reluctant to do anything that might interfere with her pig profits – she spent a great deal of her time at the Hall.

When Sir Harry in his turn died – (dont know what she does to the poor sods!) – she returned permanently to Sandytown Hall – refusing the chance to move back to her childhood home – Brereton Manor – when her ancient father finally died – because – according to Minnie – the Hall was a more prestigious address – & the Manor had certain inconveniences of access – & had fallen into such a dilapidated condition it would cost a fortune to put right.

– daddy owns nearly all the land all around – explained Minnie – where the new entrance drive is – & where theyre building the golf course. I think it was Uncle Sids idea that they should work together & turn the manor into a posh hotel. Uncle Sid knows all about money – which is why Lady D listens to him – mum says –

– thats nice – I said – so your uncle is a sort of financial adviser to the Consortium – right? –

– I think so – she said uncertainly. Then she grinned & went on – Uncle Sid says Lady Denhams tight as a ducks arse – & thats water tight – watching me closely to see how I reacted.

I just laughed – you cant be Stompy Heywoods daughter without hearing far worse expressions than that! – which emboldened her to say – me & Uncle Sid call her Lady B – not Lady D.

– B for Brereton? – I guessed.

– no – B for Big Bum – she screeched.

I was beginning to feel intrigued by this Sidney Parker – who chose to talk to his niece like she was an intelligent human being rather than a backward dwarf – which is how awful Uncle Ernie always spoke to me. Min was vague about his actual job – & even from Mary – hes in banking – was the best I could get – which reminded me of dads response when Mrs Duxberry boasted her moronic son was in banking – oh aye? – you mean – like Bonnie & Clyde? –

Trying to work out the Parker family dynamic – OK – I mean I was as nebby as usual! – I asked about the sister. According to Min – Aunt Diana is really wierd – always going on about being at deaths door – which used to scare Min when she was little – thinking she meant the attic door in their old family house – & that must be where death lived! It was her Uncle Sid set her mind at rest – by taking her up into the attic – & showing her the relics of his childhood – & also by saying – dont worry about your aunt little Min – when you yourself are finally laid to rest – aged 150 or thereabouts – it will be Auntie Di who lays flowers on your grave! –

Bit macabre comfort – I thought – but kids love macabre & in Minnies eyes Uncle Sid is perfection itself!

Not sure if Mary would go as far as that. Tom vanished after supper tonight – still catching up he said – & once the kids had all been put to bed – in Mins case by main force! – me & Mary had a large Baileys apiece – & got to talking like old mates. I reckon shes been dying for someone to confide in for years – someone outside the family – & outside Sandytown. Like I said before – shes incredibly loyal – but I got a strong impression she secretly fears this Development Scheme will end in tears.

Shed confirmed what Min had told me – that it was Sid who got things started.

Sids always been good with figures & stuff – from an early age hes handled the Parker family finances – very successfully too – Mary admits. Good investments – steady returns – spotting which Lady D got in on the act – asking his advice – free to a friend of course – & so profitable that Sid soon became her blue-eyed blue-chip boy!

Anyway – Sid came up with this idea that the combination of the Brereton property & the Parker land & Toms architectural know-how could add up to a nice little earner. At least thats the way I guess he put it to Lady D. With Tom Im sure he painted things in more visionary terms – the greater good – benefit of the community – environmental concerns – etc – the kind of stuff Tom had been dabbling in all his life.

This was how the great Sandytown Development Consortium got into its stride – & since then – I gather – Sidney has acted not only as its financial consultant – but also as an umpire when Tom & Lady D dont see eye to eye. Lady D is far from persuaded that Toms preoccupation with complementary medicine & the environment is going to be a money spinner for the hotel. Upper class recreational pursuits – facials – manicures – massage – plus maybe the latest post Pilates exercise fad to work up an appetite for the gourmet grub – & thirst for the disgustingly expensive booze – thats what she sees bringing the stinking rich punters in. But Tom wont give ground here – insisting there has to be room for a full range of alternative therapies – something in which his family have always had a deep – in some cases – Mary hints & Min confirms – an obsessive interest. Fortunately it seems Dr Feldenhammer – boss man at the Avalon – after some initial doubts – has been persuaded theres no harm in the clinic presenting a united front with Tom re the complementary stuff.

– very enlightened of him – I said – surprised – knowing most mainstream medics think its all a load of crap – me too if Im honest – which Im not – around dear Tom!

– yes – & the good thing – said Mary – is that it shuts Daphne Brereton up a bit – her feeling about poor Lester the way she does –

– eh? – I said – you dont mean …? –

– oh yes – shes got him in her sights – & wants him in her bed – said Mary grimly – disgraceful – a woman of her age –

Maybe this Sandytown air really does have something special! – I thought.

Its clear Mary has mixed feelings about the relationship between Tom & Lady D. Loyalty makes her stick up for Tom all the time – but theres part of her that sees that its Daphnes lust for profit thats going to keep the Consortium solvent – rather than Toms idealism. When Big Bum – funny how nicknames stick! – does let Tom have his way – it usually means him paying more & her paying less – so Tom looks like hes won a battle – but its cost him – & Mary is always worried he might be overstretching himself.

Not that Tom seems to have a worry in the world! He finally appeared – apologizing like mad for having neglected me.

– tomorrow morning I should have caught up with myself – he said – Ill take you on a tour of the town – on foot! Best way to see a place & meet people!

– but your ankle dear – protested Mary.

– as good as new – he insisted – thanks to the first aid I received from our lovely talented guest – (thats me in case you havent twigged!) – not forgetting the healing touch of Mr Godley –

I left them arguing – or rather discussing – Tom doesnt have arguments!

Met Minnie coming out of bathroom – yawning histrionically! Wouldnt surprise me if shed been listening on Mary & me – & had to take cover when her father came out of his study – but I cant help liking her. Shed have followed me into my room – but I shut the door very firmly in her face. I can be tough too!

Nite nite sleep tite

Love

Charley xxx

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