Reginald Hill - A Cure for All Diseases

Decided to laze around this morning – guessing that any expedition with Tom would be energetic! Hed won the ‘argument’ about going on foot – but Mary insisted he took a stout walking stick – which seemed more likely to cause damage than prevent it – the way he flourished it as a handy pointer to interesting views as we made our way down the hill.

On our way up in the car – Tom had already pointed out to me the entrance drive to Sandytown Hall – home of Lady D. Admiring the view from Brereton Manor – Id glimpsed what had to be the tall chimneys of the Hall down towards the sea – rising above an extensive area of woodland – so her ladyships not overlooked by the hotel – or any other bit of quite a lot of modern development we passed on our way down the hill. Most of this seemed linked to the Development Scheme – executive dwellings – seeded – so Tom assured me – with affordable houses for local first-timers. I didnt need to guess which partner pushed for what!

We met quite a few people – car drivers stop to chat to Tom! – & I was introduced as if I were the Development Schemes latest & greatest acquisition! Eventually – quite near the bottom of the hill where the old village proper begins – he halted outside a funny old house – very picturesque – built out of irregular lumps of sandstone – glowing in the morning sun – with a small old fashioned cottage garden – & a first floor wider than the ground floor – because it was built into the slope.

Reminded me of the gingerbread house in the fairy tale – so I wasnt surprised when Tom said – this is called Witch Cottage – because – according to tradition – its where Sandytowns last witch used to live. Now Miss Lee – our acupuncturist – lives there. I know youll want to meet her – Charlotte – because of your study –

Hed just lifted the brass knocker – & given the door a hearty rap – when this old Jeep came rattling up the road from the village. It looked like it had just completed a trek across the Kalahari – mud stained – lots of scratches & dents – & the nearside front bumper showed signs of recent violent contact with a tree!

Oh look – its Lady D – said Tom – come & meet her –

As we went back down the little path – 2 women got out. I knew which was Lady D straight off. Central casting – tweedy – sturdy – head thrust forward like shes eyeing up the opposition – if Id been a matador Id have headed for the barreras – good looker in her day probably – in a Fergie kind of way – nice healthy complexion – well weathered – the natural look – tho I spotted a touch of eye shadow & a smear of lipstick – so not without vanity – (I recalled what M said about her pursuing Dr Feldenhammer) – likes her own way – sharp – but maybe not so sharp as she likes to think.

& Minnie was right about her bum!

All that from a single glance! Arent you impressed?

The other woman was young – my age – bit older? – lovely slim figure – God – even when I did my anorexia thing I never got to look like that! – big boned us Heywoods – family gene thing – except this other woman – Clara Brereton her name is – turns out to be a relative of Lady Ds – so how come she doesnt look like a Hereford ready for market? In fact shes gorgeous – if you like your women fashionably skinny – which most men seem to – so – bringing my psychological objectivity to bear once more – I resolved to hate her!

Tom & Lady D greeted each other fondly – genuine on both sides from the look of it – tho I noticed she calls him Tom – while he only gets close enough to familiarity to call her Lady D – unlike Mary who refers to her – disapprovingly – as Daphne Brereton!

Credit due – the old bird did ask after Toms sprained ankle. He told her the story of how he got it – made it quite funny – & she brayed a laugh.

While this chitter chatter was going on I got a close up of the jeep – & I noticed someone had added to the general air of dereliction with a bit of graffiti – scrubbed off but not so efficiently I couldnt make out the letters P O L R & M U D R – which – I guessed from the gaps – added up to POLLUTER & MURDERER. Made me think of the sign outside the pig farm. Not only Mary who doesnt care for Lady D!

She was saying shed been going to call in at Kyoto House – Tom said lets go back there now & have some tea – she said no she couldnt possibly do that – Mary would have so much to do having just returned – he said Mary & the children would never forgive him if they discovered hed missed the chance of bringing Lady D home with him – she said it was flattering but she couldnt possibly impose – & somewhere in the midst of all this Tom & me had been translated into the back seat of the jeep.

As I got in I realized someone had answered Toms knock at Witch Cottage – a stocky oriental looking woman – who was watching us – inscrutably – like an extra in a kung-fu movie. Tom – whod gone round to the other side to get in – didnt notice her – but Lady D did – & she called out – Good day to you – Miss Lee – I hope you – & your ancestors – are well – which I took to be some sort of Chinese greeting. For a moment the womans mask slipped – & she looked daggers (or maybe – in view of her profession – needles) – at her ladyship – then gave a stiff little bow – & went back into the cottage.

Im getting the feeling that – living in Sandytown – everyone is expected to know their place – which is – Lady D on top – the rest below!

Lady D was still saying she wouldnt come in – as she came in – & twenty minutes later was saying she definitely wouldnt stay for tea – as the first cup was poured. Nice technique – getting whatever you want without having to be grateful for it.

But on the whole – I was more amused than alienated by her on first meeting. Good-humoured – long as she got her own way – showed a lot of interest in dad & the farm – said shed heard that Heywood of Willingden knew a bull calf from a bale of hay – treated the kids in the old fashioned country way – gave them 50p apiece & then ignored them.

Soon her & Tom got to talking about plans & development & visitors & such. Big event next Sunday – to celebrate progress & say thanks to those concerned – is a party at Sandytown Hall – my ears pricked when I heard them refer to it as a hog-roast – remembering the nickname of Lady Ds 1st husband! – but seems it just means theyre going to barbecue a pig. I got bored – & concentrated my clinical gaze on Clara – & tried to draw her out.

It was like trying to take a bone off old Fang – except she didnt growl.

Quiet as a nun – contained – gave nothing away – maybe shes got social problems – serve her right for being so good-looking! At least when time came to go – she offered to help with washing up the tea things – but Lady D was on her feet – & would brook no waiting. Whatever auntie wants – auntie gets!

I helped Mary clear up. Tom headed off to his study to work on his computer – declaring that Lady D was like Sandytown itself – a breath of fresh air – bringing new life to old ideas. Me – noting her cool reaction to some of his less commercial concerns – Id have said more like a breath of CO2! But Toms enthusiasm is the kind that sees direct opposition as oblique encouragement!

Mary is much clearer-sighted. Over the washing up I asked about Clara – had she always lived with her aunt?

– oh no – said Mary – only for the last six months or so –

Didnt take much to get the whole story. Bit like a 19th century novel – in fact the whole place has that feel – slow paced & leisurely on the surface but all kinds of interesting plot stuff swirling around underneath!