Karen Aldous - One Moment At Sunrise

Evie’s heart had crumpled on the spot. ‘Seb, don’t joke. That’s cruel.’

He jumped out of the bed and didn’t return until the following morning.

It had got worse, far worse, over the next week. They’d argued so much. He’d been as adamant to terminate the pregnancy as she’d been to keep it. It was killing the relationship. It broke her heart to see how vicious Seb Wilde could be and in her anger, she’d actually threatened to make it public. Something she’d vowed to herself she wouldn’t do, but in desperation to keep the child, the words rushed out. ‘I’ll tell the press what a bastard you really are.’ His hand had then reached for her throat. He’d forced her backwards against the wall. Yes, he’d been pushed to his limit but so had she. That was the final straw. She’d taken about as much abuse as she could stomach and returned to England, having made up her mind she would manage alone.

Naturally, her sister and parents agreed it wasn’t the best idea but she couldn’t face the alternative. He’d then rung three or four times a week to dissuade her, but her mind was fixed. Then three weeks later, he’d turned up on her doorstep turning back on his charm, concerned about his reputation more than anything else, but with an offer Evie couldn’t resist – to choose where she wanted to live so that they could move in together. The cost to her family was high, however. He’d persuaded her it was the best thing all round. In fact, within weeks, he’d transformed from Satan back to Angel Gabriel, promising everything. The future looked hopeful.

Even though she’d understood Seb’s music career would take precedence, he was away far more than she had anticipated. In fact – apart from the first few weeks after Charlotte was born – when she added it up, he’d only stayed here about ten or twelve weeks in total over the last few years. He’d missed his daughter’s first smile, sitting up for the first time, first words, and her first steps. All those exciting moments which parents love to share.

‘Mummy, milk Mummy.’ Charlotte broke her trance. She glanced adoringly at her daughter. Pink cheeks glowing from translucent skin pinched her heart as she slid over to her child and lifted the outstretched arms.

‘I will never regret having you,’ Evie whispered. ‘And between you and me, I think your daddy is just playing a game. Come on, let’s cycle to the library today. Mummy has something rather more stimulating to do for a change. Shhh, our secret!’

After breakfast, Evie was showering with Charlotte, thinking how exciting her research task for Ben would be, when Seb entered the main bathroom freshly showered, shaved and wearing jeans and a t-shirt. He hung an apologetic head.

‘Sorry my visit is so short but I need to go. I’ve got a plane to catch.’

Evie switched off the shower and reached for the towels. ‘Yes, brief, but will we see you soon?’

‘I will try. Have a happy birthday Charlotte,’ he said, one hand on his hip and rubbing the back of his neck as he lingered. Evie couldn’t tell if he felt awkward approaching his daughter or if it was guilt for leaving.

Wrapping Charlotte first, Evie lifted her for Seb to kiss.

He moved his hand and waved. ‘Bye.’

Evie’s eyes narrowed. Why did she have to spell it out to him? ‘What about a kiss for your daughter?’

‘Oh, sorry, yes,’ he grinned, leaning forward and kissing them both briefly. ‘Right. Bye. See you soon. And, remember what I said. You don’t need to work and tell me if you need to leave here to see your family. I’ll arrange transport, maybe come with you if I can.’

What was he thinking? Why was he so against her doing anything? Burning with fury, she strapped Charlotte into her seat on the back of the bike and headed out to the canal. She peddled hard to the bridge at Colombiers and once across, turned towards the Malpas tunnel rather than directly to Beziers, just for a longer ride. Thank goodness she had her bike; as well as releasing the tension Seb had left, she found it increasingly useful as a time to reflect and think – Charlotte rarely chatted or made demands whilst on the back. And Seb had worried her this morning. He was interacting less and less with his daughter; showing little affection. Wasn’t it natural to want to kiss your child? It seemed he was so obsessed with his music, he lost track of what was real.

Seb couldn’t understand her feelings. He was with his team and working most of the time. How would he know the emptiness of those long days or nights alone, isolated with nothing but hope; wishing, dreaming he would walk through the door. She accepted he couldn’t provide everything to widen her horizons, allow her to travel, but being able to take their daughter out would be educational, having a computer would benefit them both and, if she did contribute, he wouldn’t resent her so much. It could certainly help their relationship and could be a way to recapture what they’d had. She’d convinced her family she would be happy and was loath to admit defeat. As her mother had said, she had made her bed, she would have to lie in it. Alas, it was all she’d ever wanted and now they were at loggerheads and she didn’t know what to do. The work Ben had offered sounded exciting and one she could hopefully carry out without Seb finding out, but if that didn’t work out, she now at least felt worthy enough to try.

Arriving just before the Malpas tunnel, she stopped breathless before the path inclined. Perspiration poured from her skin as she twisted around and glimpsed at Charlotte.

‘Phew, you ok poppet? I feel a bit better, or at least invigorated. Let’s get to the library. We’ll find some lovely colourful books you can look at,’ she said, stepping off and wheeling the dusty new bike full circle so that it faced Beziers.

‘Butterfly, Mummy.’

Evie’s eyes trailed Charlotte’s finger to her saddle. On it, with twitching yellow tinged-wings, the swallowtail butterfly rested. There was something wonderfully hypnotic as it fluttered, revealing hues of effervescent blue and spots of red on its tail.

‘How beautiful. Look how exquisite that pattern is.’

‘Bootifal Mummy.’

They watched in awe at its form and symmetry, the sun shimmering, even on the darkest black. ‘I don’t think she wants us to go. She wants to ride with us but Mummy can’t sit on her, can she?’

‘Butterfly sitting, ha ha.’ Charlotte giggled. ‘Hello butterfly.’

‘Perhaps she’ll tell us how she’s changed from a tiny egg to a butterfly. She has been working hard. You see, from her egg she was born a caterpillar, you’ve seen one of those, haven’t you. And after days of feeding and spinning her silk she wraps herself into a chrysalis – like a little fluffy white ball – before emerging, days later, as this, a beautiful butterfly.’

It sounded so simple, Evie thought as it suddenly took flight. Such a little thing totally dependent on itself to transform. Perhaps she ought to depend on her own resources to climb out of her rut. She could spend many, many years alone with Seb away. The thought of falling down into those dismal depths, the thought of feeling so lost again… it was not appealing. So much of that time she’d spent seeking comfort, listening to Seb’s soothing tones as she played his tracks over and over, losing herself in a bubble of longing. It seemed such a waste now. It was time she found something to fit with her care for Charlotte. Despite Seb, she was determined. Maybe this work she’d do for Ben could be the start of something.

She recalled the short time she’d spent doing work experience at the ‘Cool Girl’ magazine. It had given her such a boost when Jane Loftus, the editor, had called her in her office for a one-to-one on her progress. She’d told her she had the imagination and drive to create fresh ideas as well as handle research. She’d been impressed with the compelling piece she’d written. Perhaps she should begin her writing again. If she made a good impression on Ben, maybe it would boost her confidence to do more. So much of her time was spent listening to music and escaping into books to blank out reality; waiting for Seb. What she needed was to think about the future, not the past. To be a butterfly, not a caterpillar.