Karen Aldous - One Moment At Sunrise

He raised his arm and pulled her close. ‘I’ll try to remember.’

She snuggled into his chest so easily. It was certainly good to have him home and she still yearned to have the old Seb back. Today had been good; chilling out in Sete and seeing Seb joking and laughing. It was just the tonic she needed after the several disappointments she had been through these past few weeks with him cancelling his visits. He was quite different now when he came home, generally his mind was on other things. He was more’ relaxed, compared to when he’d arrived, as was she, which was no doubt more due to the wine. However, it was still so wonderful to listen to his chest pounding in her ear and to feel loved occasionally. She responded to his squeeze, lifting her hand and stroking his hair. Seb then lifted her chin, placing his lips over hers, his hands sliding hungrily up her thigh. Evie’s body reacted with feeling for once – she was still a woman, not just a mother. Both got to their knees and as they kissed, he slid her down and entered.

As much as she tried, it was Ben Evie’s body yearned for. Seb lay back on the sofa panting, freeing her from his arms. She curled up her legs at the other end of the sofa, pulling down her dress, rearranging herself. Ben was finished for now. So, ok, it wasn’t as tender as it used to be, but if he was home more, she was sure it could get better and return to the passionate lusty days they used to share. He was like a drug she couldn’t wean herself from.

Chapter 6

Seb picked up his beer then the TV remote, and switched it on. He turned to Evie and said, as if reading her thoughts, ‘I do miss you, you do know that, I just wish I could get back here more often.’

‘It would be nice.’ Evie pushed her hair back, wishing they could be like this on a regular basis too. Maybe once or twice a month. That wouldn’t be asking too much. ‘Such a shame you won’t be here for Charlotte’s birthday.’

He pulled her towards him, leaning his arm on her shoulder. ‘If only I could. It’s getting busier with summer festivals and parties in the parks, that sort of thing. Charlotte has friends she can invite, presumably?’

Evie’s neck lurched forward to face him. ‘She doesn’t start kindergarten until she’s three and we don’t know any other mums around here. And, you don’t like me mixing, remember? Anyway, they’re mainly older people. We see children at the park sometimes.’ Evie now found it difficult to talk to people, especially when they asked about her partner and his job. It did seem easier to keep herself to herself nowadays. Besides, she had got so used to her own company and so engrossed in her books to pass the long empty hours that it was like she had forgotten how to socialise. In truth, and she would never admit it to Seb or anyone, she had become very withdrawn from the world, quite inhibited in fact.

Seb took the TV off mute. ‘You need to find some mum friends, otherwise it will get pretty lonely for you both. I’m sure my mother took us to a mother-toddler group even when we were babies. It wasn’t one of those where you just dumped your child.’

Evie picked up her glass of wine and took a mouthful as Seb stared at the screen. Seb’s mother, she imagined, had been among friends she had grown up with or had met at the NCT ante-natal; friends she socialised with at regular dinner parties, as their golfing husbands discussed property prices. Like her own mother possibly, pillars of the community, thriving on their fundraising and committees, patting themselves on the back at their coffee mornings. He’d told her once his mother had high moral standards and it would kill her if she discovered he’d had a child. Yes, good old middle-class ethics. He was clearly ashamed and feared scandal; just like her own mother. Evie didn’t really know much about his life. He’d rarely spoken about it. Especially his childhood. She’d never met his family and guessed she was never likely to, though she often wondered what they were like. So sad that Charlotte and her grandparents didn’t know one another. She could really do with a family around her.

He was so full of contradictions. She couldn’t win.

‘I don’t understand you, Seb. You don’t want me to mix in case anyone finds out about us, yet you are now implying I do the opposite.’

‘You don’t have to mention me, us.’

‘But people ask and it becomes awkward. What if they see you? They’ll know I’ve lied to them. You don’t understand, do you? I don’t know why we have to be so secretive. I thought we were a family but you insist on keeping up this charade.’ Evie now had the bit between her teeth. ‘I know you were upset, well quite violent actually, when I told you I was pregnant – but why did you decide to support us and tell me you wanted to make a go of it, when all you’ve done is leave us here alone? The relationship going nowhere. I mean, you’ve never mentioned marriage or having more children. I…’

Seb turned to face her, tapping his fingers on the arm of the sofa and bouncing his knee. ‘Look, I did warn you, I have my music.’

‘Yes, but other musicians have a wife and family. Being a family man isn’t a bad image. You still haven’t told your family either. It’s like you’re ashamed of me or something.’

She watched as he scratched his brow, his knees still bouncing. ‘It’s not how my family does things, I thought you understood all this. They’d be upset. They expect marriage before children. And the fans, they’d be devastated. They like an idol who is single. It gives them hope. As soon as an artist gets married, their’ followers decline. I can’t afford for that to happen yet. Maybe in a few years.’

Evie tucked her hands under her knees and stared into her lap. ‘You think I trapped you, don’t you?’

‘I wasn’t ready. It was a big blow. Look, I know it’s hard for you at the moment but I honestly don’t know what I can do to put it right. I’m doing my best. When I’m not focusing on writing the songs, I have to focus on performing, rehearsing, until every song on an album is the best it can be. The music and musicians, the mixing – they have to be spot on for recording, and then again for the stage. So many people rely on me. You’ve no idea of the pressure of being on the stage – when you’re waiting for the audience to engage, to like you, and to not spot when you mess up. Look, I don’t expect you to understand the mechanics, just the pressures, the travelling, the demands. I’m a product like any other. I’m like a toy, to be enjoyed for a while, then brushed aside. I rely on myself to keep my music fresh, to capture new audiences, to maintain the interest of the older ones, and to keep the manager and the team together, to keep the wheels turning for all our sakes. I bought this so that you and Charlotte will always have a home. If it all went belly up tomorrow, you could downsize and hopefully still have some sort of income.’ He pulled her shoulders back, gripping her chin and kissed her on the lips. ‘I love you, I want what’s best for my two beauties.’ It’s just that most of my time is in the US or UK. We’re stuck with it for now.’

Instantly flinching, Evie jumped up and clutched both hands on her waist. ‘Stuck with it. Stuck with Charlotte? Seb, she’s your daughter. You spent more time with me when we first met. You found the time then. Even when she was a baby, you spent several weeks here. I really thought you cared, despite your reaction. I thought we had something special. Now… now it seems you just don’t know what to do with us. Like a puppy you got for Christmas and you can’t be bothered with. God, I was so naïve.’

Seb leaped up and put his arm around her. ‘Neither of us meant for this to happen. Let’s just make the most of it. Try and find somewhere you and Charlotte can go where she can make friends and you have some company.’ He kissed her hair and lowered his head, smiling into her eyes. ‘You both mean the world to me.’