Natália Gomes - Dear Charlie

After a few minutes of steady silence, the waitress came back over and slammed down seven individually wrapped boxes of cornflakes, seven bowls, spoons and a jug of milk. Quietly everyone began pouring their cereal, sneaking small smiles back and forth. Finally, Dougie slammed his spoon down on the table, and with cornflakes falling out of his mouth, he yelled, ‘You’re so weird, Sam. I love it!’

Soon several chaotic conversations ensued, my eyes darting back and forth hungrily consuming all of them. Dougie and Max were talking about a music band I’d never heard of, and Debbie was showing Izzy her newly tattooed wrist, which was covered in tiny blue stars. On top of that, Debbie would intermittently interrupt Max to chime in with her opinions of the depiction of women in music videos, while Izzy and Dougie shared the occasional inside joke and stolen exchange. Worm and Max competed for the best impersonation of John Major, while Neall talked even louder to block out Debbie’s voice.

I’d never been to a tennis match but I would imagine that it would be close to what I was experiencing. After a few minutes, my neck ached so I started counting through my pennies to pay the bill. I immediately wished I had brought more so I could have paid for the whole bill, rather than just for my measly share. Maybe they would want to hang out with me again if I paid the whole bill. I would remember that next time. A dull ache suddenly grew in my belly – would there be a next time?

I was still kicking myself for not bringing more money when I noticed that Izzy was lagging behind the group on the walk home. She seemed to have slowed her steps to walk with me, but I knew there had to be another reason. She occasionally glanced up and smiled, before eventually nudging me. ‘I’m really glad you came tonight.’

When I looked up, I noticed tiny dimples in the corners of her smile. Her eyes were bright even in the darkness. ‘How are you enjoying Knightsbridge?’

‘It’s OK,’ I mumbled. Maybe she did want to walk with me. My palms started to sweat and I resisted rubbing them on my trousers in front of her.

‘I went to nursery with Noel Taylor and he hasn’t changed one bit,’ she laughed. ‘He’s an idiot, and he enjoys making people’s lives miserable so don’t worry about him. He’ll get bored soon.’

‘Yeah, she should know. She went out with him!’ yelled Debbie from in front of us. ‘Sam, why are you sixteen and in our year? Did you get moved up or something?’

‘Yeah, Pembrook moved me up,’ I said, feeling a stare from Dougie.

‘You must be really smart. Cool. Why did you move from…?’ she continued, quickly trailing off before she got elbowed in the ribs by Max. ‘Sorry, Sam. I forgot –’

‘– It’s fine, really,’ I shrugged, not knowing what else to say.

‘Have you checked out the old art theatre yet? It got refurbished last year, only just opened,’ Izzy said, eyeing up Debbie who was still blushing from embarrassment.

I slowly shook my head. ‘What do they show there?’

‘Old films, foreign films. In the lobby they sell retro sweets. Do you like Roman Polanski?’

‘Yes,’ I said. Of course I was lying. Was that a retro sweet or had I missed the transition into another topic?

‘Maybe we can all go see a film sometime?’ she asked, a genuine smile beaming across her face.

I hadn’t watched a movie since Pembrook, but I didn’t know whether that was because I was so preoccupied with my own thoughts, or whether movies just seemed frivolous to me now. There was more violence, drama and tragedy in my life. I didn’t really need to watch a movie. I could just turn on the news and see the latest Charlie report.

Before I could tell her that I’d love to go to the cinema with her, Worm jumped in a puddle and sent sprays of muddy water towards Debbie. Screaming something about a vintage skirt, she stormed off. When we got to the bus stop, she was sitting on the bench wiping mud streaks off her skirt. Leaning against the doorway of the bus shelter, I glanced at Izzy and noticed that she was staring back at me and smiling.

I hadn’t really responded to her question. And even though it unnerved me not knowing who I was or what I liked any more, I still went to bed early that morning with her words burning sweetly into my thoughts. And when I awoke early in the afternoon, I discovered both a broken framed photo of Charlie at the bottom of the stairs, and that my parents hadn’t even noticed that I had gone out the night before.

Chapter 5

‘6 Underground’ (Sneaker Pimps, Autumn 1996)

Peering over the top of my notepad, I saw Dr Albreck’s almond-shaped hazel eyes flitting from my shaking foot to the pen twirling in my fingers. Two swirling masses of greenish-browns burrowing into my thoughts, watching my every move, analysing each moment. Catching her eyes, my attention darted back down to the notebook.

A low humming seeped out of the monitor on her table, and from somewhere in the waiting room, I heard a phone ringing. A slight breeze flowed through the trees, making some of the branches bend and sway. Peeling my eyes away from the window, I checked back to see if Dr Albreck was still watching me. She was.

‘Ready?’

She’d decided on a new approach for today’s session since I had spent the previous appointment attempting to inquire about her personal life. Although perhaps invasive and rude at times, I thought the questions were reasonable, and warranted. How was I supposed to confess my deepest darkest thoughts to a woman who I knew nothing about? Perhaps she too harboured some dark notions that made her emotionally incapable of helping me with mine.

Unfortunately, she was less than forthcoming about her marital status, university grades and personal food preferences, which left me still unsure of her capabilities to assist me during the worst time of my life. That day she had ended the appointment early – without offering me a reimbursement of the minutes retracted – and changed the direction of the next session.

This afternoon I was to write down three emotions I had felt in the past week. Since I had arrived twelve minutes late for our therapy session because of the late night I had had the evening before, the first emotion on my list was remorse. After that, the page was blank.

‘Sam?’

‘I’m having a difficult time collecting my thoughts.’

‘Do you have anything written down?’

‘Yes, remorse.’

‘Excellent. Let’s start with that. Tell me why you think you felt remorse this week?’

‘Because I was twelve minutes late today and I really dislike people who aren’t punctual.’

She took a long deep breath, and then straightened back up. ‘Do you feel remorse for anything else? The events of the past year, perhaps?’

I felt my body retreat, my spine pushing into the back of the armchair until it became uncomfortable. A bitter taste in my mouth caused me to swallow, but I couldn’t get rid of it. Was she implying that I should feel remorse for my brother’s actions? I thought I was coming here to let go of feelings of guilt and blame, not to accept them. One emotion suddenly became clear to me – anger. But instead of writing it down or simply saying what I was thinking, I did exactly what I had been doing for the past few sessions. Afraid of the discussions being about me, my family, I turned it back on her. ‘Have you ever felt remorse? Maybe for something that you did in your past?’

‘Sam, like I told you last time, these sessions aren’t about me. They’re about you.’

‘Right, I remember,’ I said, my response sounding sharper than I’d intended.

She uncrossed her legs and re-crossed them in another way, her eyebrows pinching together. Taking another deep breath, she dropped her pen on her notepad as if surrendering. ‘Sam, do you think you’d be more comfortable talking with another counsellor? Maybe a male counsellor?’