Jennifer Joyce - The Mince Pie Mix-Up

‘Don’t touch the tree,’ Judy said before dashing into the bedroom and heading straight to the dressing table mirror. An anguished cry escaped her as she saw the image looking back at her. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.

Judy crept towards the bed, releasing another anguished cry as she saw the body sprawled out in the bed. Instead of her husband, she saw herself. Man, she looked rough first thing in the morning.

‘Calvin,’ she hissed, shaking his – her – body. ‘Calvin, wake up. Something’s happened.’

‘What?’ Judy watched as her body propped itself up on its elbow and rubbed at its eyes. It threw back its head and flung open its jaws to yawn. Yep, there were her fillings.

‘Calvin!’ Judy hissed again, eager to get this mess sorted out.

‘What do you want?’ Calvin asked in Judy’s voice. He opened his eyes and shook his head as he took in his own image staring back at him. ‘What the –’

‘We’ve switched bodies.’ Judy sank onto the bed and grasped Calvin’s – or rather or her own – arm. Gosh, this was confusing. ‘I had a dream. We were visited by an overgrown fairy.’

‘She woke us up,’ Calvin said slowly.

‘Yes!’ Judy’s eyes almost popped out of her skull. ‘Yes, that’s right! She appeared in our sitting room. Crashed into the tree.’

‘We ate a burnt mince pie and we made a wish,’ Calvin said. It started to come back to Calvin then, slowly at first and then rushing at him and knocking the breath from his body. The row. The peculiar winged being destroying their Christmas tree. The wish to swap lives. The fairy had said they could switch lives – live as one another – until Christmas Day. All they had to do to make it happen was eat one of those dodgy mince pies.

‘ Up to Christmas Day?’ Judy had asked. ‘Or including Christmas Day? It’s just that Calvin would never be able to handle the turkey and everything. We’d end up having a not-very-festive plate of egg and chips for lunch if it was left to him.’

‘Hey!’ Calvin had cried. ‘I can handle a bloody turkey. All you have to do is shove it in the oven.’

Judy and the fairy had shared a look. ‘Up until Christmas then.’ The fairy gave a decisive nod of her head. ‘You’ll spend Christmas Eve as the other person, then you’ll switch back in time for the big day.’

So they didn’t trust him with the bloody turkey. ‘Isn’t Christmas two weeks away?’

The fairy had turned to Calvin with a sweet smile, her eyes twinkling like a set of fairy lights. ‘Don’t you think you could handle two weeks of Judy’s life, Petal?’

‘Handle it?’ Calvin had snorted with derision. ‘It’ll be like a holiday. Bring. It. On.’

‘Then wish it. Say “I wish we could swap lives”. Both of you. Then take a bite of the mince pie.’

Judy and Calvin had looked at one another before they both uttered the words. ‘I wish we could both switch lives.’

But that wasn’t real . It couldn’t have been real .

‘Look, Calvin.’ Calvin’s replica pointed to the other end of the room, at the large mirror on Judy’s dressing table. The image of Calvin and Judy stared back at them in the wrong order. ‘I’m you. And you’re me. The wish came true. We’ve switched bodies .’

Chapter Five: The First Stage in Wish-Fulfilment: Denial

Calvin gave a snort and threw back the covers. Switched bodies indeed. What a load of nonsense! Yes, he did appear to be wearing Judy’s penguin-print fleecy pyjamas (that he’d never found particularly sexy on his wife and which he suspected were even less appealing on him). And yes, his voice was a bit squeaky and feminine, but there was no way he had switched bodies with his wife. It was a ludicrous idea!

‘Look at the state of me. I’m so hairy ,’ Judy-in-Calvin’s-body wailed as she looked down at her bare chest.

Calvin ignored the hysterics as he made his way towards the dressing table mirror. There would be some explanation. Some trickery. Some way to put an end to this charade. He reached out and touched the glass but the mirror seemed real enough. He frowned. Judy frowned in the reflection. He stuck his tongue out. Judy stuck her tongue out. He stretched the corners of his lips with his thumbs, baring his teeth while tugging down on the skin underneath his eyes with his index fingers. Judy pulled the same face back at him.

‘No, no, no.’ Calvin stepped away from the mirror, shaking his head. Judy stepped away from her side of the mirror, shaking her head. ‘This can’t be real. This is insane! People don’t wish for things that come true. Not crazy shit like this.’ He turned to Judy, who was inspecting the contents of her shorts and curling her lip in distaste. ‘They might wish for a promotion that they then rightfully earn. But they do not wish to change lives with their wife and end up in her body. Judy! Stop playing with my knob and take this seriously.’

‘Sorry.’ Judy let go of the waistband of the shorts and turned her attention to her husband. She had never seen herself looking so terrified. It was unsettling.

‘This is nuts, Judy.’

Judy thought about the nuts that were currently attached to her body and nestled in her shorts. This was by far the craziest dream she had ever had (and it had to be a dream, Judy realised. Calvin was right – for once – wishes just didn’t come true). She’d laugh about all of this once she woke up.

‘What are we going to do?’ Calvin asked.

‘What can we do?’ Judy gave a shrug. ‘This has to be a dream, brought on by eating burnt pastry. We’ll just have to get on with things until we wake up and things go back to normal.’

Judy wriggled out of the snug dressing gown and reached for her deodorant, only realising she’d picked up the wrong one as she lifted her arm and caught sight of a hairy pit in the mirror. She doubted Calvin would be impressed if she made his body smell of jasmine and creamy vanilla. Picking up Calvin’s musky deodorant instead, she got herself ready, kitting herself out in a pair of Calvin’s baggy jeans and a gloriously roomy hoodie. Why did she truss herself up like an Egyptian mummy in tight jeans and tops when loose clothing was quite clearly the better option?

‘What are you doing?’ she asked once she realised Calvin had snuggled back down under the covers.

‘It’s still early.’ Calvin nodded towards the alarm clock. ‘And it’s the weekend so I’m getting a few more zeds in.’

Without a word, Judy peeled the hoodie off and kicked off the jeans, resisting the urge to pick them up and fold them neatly away and instead leaving them where they happened to land. She climbed into bed, placed her feet against her husband’s back and gave him an almighty shove so that he toppled out of bed and onto the floor.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ Calvin picked himself up and rubbed at his knee.

‘ I’m going back to bed and having a lie-in.’ Judy settled herself back down into the pillows. ‘And you’re going to drop Scott off at football and take Charlie to ballet.’

Calvin was still rubbing at his (probably bruised) knee. ‘Why me?’

‘Because you’re Mum now.’ Judy pulled the covers up to her chin and closed her eyes. It was a pity she’d have to wake up and do those jobs herself soon. ‘And that’s what Mum does in this house. Dad is going back to sleep. Oh –’ Judy opened one eye, enjoying the look of horror on her face that now belonged to her husband. ‘Don’t forget to take Miller out for a walk before you go.’

Miller tugged on his lead, insisting that he and Judy (who was actually Calvin but the dog didn’t know that) walk beyond the first tree that they came to. Calvin had expected to dash outside, let Miller do his business and then dash back inside but Miller had other ideas. Calvin found himself being dragged through the village and along the canal, trailing through a muddy dirt track and along the high street, but he was too lost in his own thoughts to put up any resistance. He couldn’t believe he was going along with this. Not the walking the dog thing. He did that regularly. Well, as regularly as a full-time job and his commitments would allow. He couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d taken Miller out, but that didn’t mean it didn’t happen.