Jennifer Joyce - The Mince Pie Mix-Up

‘If only.’ Laura sighed. Like Judy, as soon as the children were safely inside, she’d be off to work. ‘Don’t you wish you were her sometimes?’ Laura pointed across the playground to where Abby Frost was holding court, her designer handbag hooked over the crook of her elbow. Abby Frost was what some people might have described as a ‘yummy mummy’ but what Judy described as a stuck-up cow. Married to a wealthy ex-banker-turned-MP, Abby took every opportunity to flaunt her affluence and status within the community. She didn’t have to work for a living and looked down at the mums who did, publically pitying their offspring for their lack of parental presence.

‘I’d rather clean urinals with my own toothbrush than be her,’ Judy replied. Money was one thing – and quite a nice thing, Judy thought – but being a judgemental snob was another, and not something Judy would wish on anyone. Especially herself.

‘Mrs Neil!’ Judy looked up as she heard her name being called and saw Charlie’s teacher heading towards her, waving to catch her attention. ‘I’m so glad I caught you. I just wanted to check that you’re still okay making the extra costumes for the nativity? We’ll need them for the dress rehearsal next Wednesday.’ Miss Daniels scrunched up her nose. It was a lot of work but Charlie’s mother had volunteered and the school’s nativity budget was tight. Practically non-existent, in fact. They could only just about stretch to new material for the costumes.

‘That’s fine.’ Judy didn’t need to sleep, right? ‘I’ll have them ready.’

‘Great.’ Miss Daniels seemed to deflate with relief. ‘Thank you so much.’ She grinned at Judy before she rushed off to herd the children off to their classroom.

‘How did you end up with that job?’ Laura always did her best to avoid being lumbered with school duties. She had too much on her plate as a single mum of three without piling more on top.

Judy rolled her eyes. ‘I stupidly stepped forward. You know I like sewing and everything but I forgot how hectic it is around Christmas. I’ve only got myself to blame.’

‘Give me a shout if you need a hand.’

Judy thought it was very sweet of Laura to offer, considering she couldn’t so much as thread a needle. ‘I will, thanks. I’ll see you later.’ Charlie’s class had been led into the school by Miss Daniels so Judy made her way back to the Green Teapot, where she threw on an apron and helped clear the early morning rush. It was mid-morning before she managed to cobble together another batch of mince pies before the lunchtime crowd descended upon them. She was rushed off her feet for the rest of the afternoon so it was a relief to finally hang up her apron at half past two. She had just enough time to take Miller to his favourite tree and load the washing machine before dashing to the school to pick up Charlie. She made sure the children were washed and changed while transferring the washing to the dryer and piling in another load. She checked her watch as it began to grow dark outside. Calvin had promised he’d be home early tonight. Where was he?

Chapter Two: Frostie the Snowman Forgot

Perry was fuming. Calvin had never seen a face quite so puce as his boss stalked up and down the office, firing off expletive after expletive, practically foaming at the mouth as his rage spilled forth. His head was going to explode, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing apart from the mess it would create on the walls of B&R Marketing. Maybe Calvin would get splattered and then he’d have to listen to Judy go on at him about the stains on his shirt. At least he wasn’t wearing his favourite grey tie, Calvin supposed. He didn’t mind if the horrible lime green one was ruined with his boss’s brain matter.

‘Are you all frankincense stupid or something?’

Perry hadn’t really used the word frankincense, but Calvin was passing the time by replacing the swear words with those associated with Christmas. It made the experience a tad more pleasant – as long as you ignored the spittle flying across the office as Perry went about his business of giving his employees an almighty ticking off.

‘What kind of idiots do I have working for me? You’re all a bunch of figgy pudding chestnuts. I should fire the whole baubles lot of you, you incompetent donkeys.’ ‘Donkeys’ could have been an actual insult for Perry to use, but the one Calvin had replaced was marginally more insulting. ‘Whose job was it to book the photo shoot?’ Perry’s eyes shone as they ran across each employee, seeking out the weakest member of his team. The one who had well and truly dropped the ball on this project. ‘Which advent am I going to sack?’

‘Sack?’ Everyone in the office had been silent up until this point (they’d long ago figured this was the best way to deal with Perry’s rages) but now a voice squeaked from the back of the office. ‘But it’s December.’

It was Sarah who had spoken out. She was relatively new to the B&R Marketing office and wasn’t familiar with all the rules yet. You didn’t take stationery from the cupboard without permission from Perry first (which was sometimes only granted after a full-on grovelling session. Pens were precious in the B&R office, according to their tight-fisted boss). You didn’t take the last biscuit out of the tin in the kitchen unless you wanted an ear-chewing from Overlord Perry and you never, ever spoke out during one of his tirades. To do so would only put you in the firing line and prolong the agony for everybody else.

Poor Sarah.

‘I don’t give a flying fa la la la la what month of the year it is.’ Perry gave a hoot. ‘Are you referring to Christmas ? Do you actually think I give a rat’s antlers about Christmas ?’ Perry marched towards the back of the office, where Sarah was quivering in her chair. ‘Christmas means more business. Profits!’ Spit flew through the air, landing on Sarah’s cheek. She didn’t dare move to wipe it away. ‘It doesn’t mean I’ll turn into a soft Tiny Tim just because you lot stick up a bit of tinsel.’ ‘Tinsel’ was Perry’s own word this time. He flailed his arms around to indicate the sparkly stuff attempting to add cheer to the grim office. ‘Don’t think I won’t sack the lot of you at Christmas because I will if I have to. You French-henned this project up and I want to know why and, more importantly, who .’

He glared at his employees, turning full circle so that nobody was left out. His nostrils were flared as he attempted to sniff out the weak link.

‘Well?’ The fact that he had failed to sniff out the culprit was making a vein throb in his temple. It grew larger as he turned to examine his staff yet again and the offender remained hidden. ‘May I remind you how much work we’ve got on over the next few weeks? Francesco Benvenuti is coming into this office next week. Francesco. Benvenuti . Do you realise how much money that dude will bring to this company? I cannot allow any of you to fairy lights this campaign up!’

Perry stormed out of the office, his fury continuing for the remainder of the day, though thankfully he took it into the solitude of his own office once it became clear that nobody was actually going to be man enough to own up to messing up the campaign. Although he’d threatened to sack the lot of them, it wasn’t really plausible, so he’d stormed into his office to seethe and plot for the rest of the day.

‘Perry should expect the arrival of three ghosts this Christmas,’ Sarah said as they packed up at the end of the day. Perry had moments earlier popped his head through the door to tell them they should all ‘frost off home’ and ‘thank themselves festive lucky that they still had their Father Christmas jobs’. Calvin was running out of Christmas-themed F words.