Jim Smith - Barry Loser and the Holiday of Doom

‘Mornkeels!’ I said, grinning at them. I was so excited to tell them they were coming to Plonkton, I wasn’t even annoyed that they’d walked to school together instead of with me.

‘Hi Barry,’ said Bunky, smiling at Nancy, who was wearing a scratch-and-sniff sticker of a mushroom doing a thumbs up she’d got for being the best at spelling.

I looked at my half-dog, half-bestfriend and wrinkled my forehead. There was something about him that didn’t make sense.

I Future-Ratboy-zoomed my eyes in and tried to work out what it was. His trainers looked normal, all scuffed up and stinking of foot cheese like they always did.

His legs were just his boring old legs, standing there with the rest of him balancing on top of them.

And his nose, ears, eyes and mouth were dotted around on his head in pretty much the right places.

‘What else is there?’ I mumbled, scratching my head with my fingers, which were on the end of my hand, which was on the end of my arm.

And that’s when it hit me.

Bunky was holding a BOOK.

‘W-what is THAT?’ I stuttered. The whole time I’d known Bunky I’d never seen him even look at a book, and now he was carrying a PINK one with a picture of a KITTEN on it.

‘Weird, isn’t it!’ chuckled Nancy, prodding Bunky like she was checking to see if he was real. ‘It’s not HIS, of course.’ She slid the book out from under Bunky’s arm and put it down on her desk.

‘He said he wanted to carry it for me. I honestly don’t know what’s got into him recently!’ she smiled.

‘Nothing’s got into me, I’m just being well behaved so I get a sticker!’ said Bunky, scratching Nancy’s mushroom one and sniffing his finger. He grinned at Nancy, and his eyes scrinched up into two little upside-down grins as well.

I was just about to tell him to wipe all three of his loserish grins off his face, when Miss Spivak started calling out the register.

I always get nervous waiting to hear my name being called out, and in the panic I forgot all about Bunky carrying the book.

‘I’M HE-ERE!’ I shouted when Miss Spivak finally said my name, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

To celebrate it being over, I thought I’d tell Bunky and Nancy the good news about Plonkton.

‘Psst, Bunky! I’ve got the keelest news ever!’ I whispered-shouted into his ear, and I waited for him to say, ‘WHAT IS IT?’ all excitedly, his nose wagging like a dog’s tail.

‘LOSER!’ shouted Miss Spivak, putting her finger up to her lips. ‘Don’t make me lose my rag!’

‘Oh yeah, sorry!’ I whispered, remembering how we were all supposed to be being good boys and girls, what with the scratch-and-sniff stickers and everything.

I squeezed my lips together as tightly as possible and crossed my arms, trying to be the best little Barry I could.

I really really wanted a scratch-and-sniff sticker, and it’s not like I couldn’t wait till break to tell Bunky and Nancy they were coming to Plonkton.

Except I comperleeterly couldn’t.

‘Psst, Bunky! My mum and dad said you and Nancy could come to our caravan in Plonkton this weekend!’ I blurted as fast as possible so Miss Spivak wouldn’t hear.

Bunky turned his head round all slowly, so Miss Spivak wouldn’t see. ‘Shhh!’ he whispered, then he smiled at Nancy, who was too busy reading her kitten book to take any notice.

‘But . . .’ I whispered, and my but floated round the classroom like a butterfly chopped in half.

I knew Bunky wanted a scratch-and-sniff sticker, but this was ridiculoserous.

‘Did you hear what I just said?’ I said, which is what I say when I can’t believe someone hasn’t heard what I’ve just said.

‘I heard you loud and clear, Bazza!’ whisper-squawked an annoying noise from the table next to me. I swivelled my eyeballs to the left and saw Sharonella batting her eyelids at me.

‘You can take me to Plonkton any time!’ she grinned, looking at my nose, which was sticking out of my face, trying not to smell her perfume.

‘IT’S JUST A NORMAL NOSE!’ I shouted, an excitement blowoff from earlier popping out as an extra-loud annoyance fart, and I turned back to Bunky. ‘HELLO-O?’ I boomed, knocking on his head like it was a front door. ‘ANY-BODY HO-OME?’

Miss Spivak stopped calling out the register and pointed her pointiest finger at me. ‘That’s it Loser, outside NOW!’ she screeched.