Jim Smith - Barry Loser and the trouble with pets

First published in Great Britain 2019

by Egmont UK Ltd, The Yellow Building,

1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text and illustration copyright © Jim Smith 2019

The moral rights of Jim Smith have been asserted.

ISBN 978 1 4052 9248 1

eISBN 978 1 7803 1801 1

barryloser.com

www.egmont.co.uk

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the British Library

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As far back as I can remember,

I’ve always wanted a sausage dog. They’re like two of my favourite things squidged together - a sausage

and a dog!

5

Here are some other pets I’ve always

wanted:

I don’t think any of those exist though.

6

If I did get a sausage dog I’d teach

it some amazekeel tricks:

But first I’ve got to badger my mum about it non-stop until she buys me one. Which is what this story is about.

7

It all started a couple of weeks ago when I saw a poster stuck to a lamp post on Mogden High Street. The poster said:

8

‘Look, Mum!’ I said, pointing at the poster. We were walking home from school, which is something I usually

do with my best friends Bunky and Nancy, except this time my mum had

dragged me into Mogden Town to do some boring old shopping instead.

She stopped pushing the buggy, which had my little brother, Desmond Loser the Second, strapped inside it, and peered at the poster.

9

‘Gladys Foo?’ chuckled my mum, carrying on walking. ‘That’s a funny old name isn’t it.’

I thought about reminding my mum that her surname was ‘Loser’, and how before she’d married my dad it’d been ‘Harumpadunk’. But I had more important things to be getting on with than that.

I opened my mouth and got ready to do some serious badgering.

10

Have you noticed how, when you’re

thinking about something a lot, like

sausages and dogs for example, they

keep popping up everywhere you look?

That’s what started happening next.

11

We’d only walked as far as the next lamp post, when what did I see but a totally normal, boring old dog weeing up against it.

‘Check it out!’ I said, starting to badger my mum. ‘A little doggy having a wee wee. Do you know what that reminds me of?’

12

My mum peered down at me. ‘Do you need the toilet, Barry?’ she asked.

‘No mum, I don’t need the toilet,’

I sighed, and we carried on walking until we got to Bruce the butcher’s and I spotted a string of plastic sausages hanging up in the window.

‘Oh my unkeelness,’ I said, pointing at the fake bangers. ‘Plastic sausages! Can you guess what they make me think of, Mum?’

13

My mum gave me a funny look, like she thought I was trying to tell her

I needed a poo or something. ‘Half a dozen sausages please Bruce,’ she said to the butcher.

‘MU-UM!’ I said, trying to get her attention.

‘WHAT, Barry?’ snapped my mum.

‘Well,’ I said. ‘You know how you’re buying sausages right now?’

‘Just get to the point,’ sighed my mum.

14

Bruce the butcher handed my mum her sausages. ‘That’s a fiver for you, Losers,’ he said, doing a wink.

‘No chance!’ said my mum, but I don’t think she was talking to Bruce.

15

I cried.

We walked out of the butcher

and started heading home. ‘Looking forward to the disco, Barry?’ asked my mum, because it was the Mogden School Valentine’s Day Disco tonight.

‘Yeah I spose,’ I said, wondering if I should give up badgering her for a sausage dog and try for a spaghetti Bolognese stick insect instead.

16

‘Barry!’ cried Bunky as I walked into Mogden School Hall nine trillion hours later.

Coloured lights were flashing round the edge of the room and music

was blaring out of two ginormous speakers. Balloons bounced around

on the dance floor and a black box hanging off the ceiling pumped purple clouds of smoke into the air.

17

In the corner of the hall, standing behind a table, was Mrs Dongle the school secretary.

‘This is DJ Dongles coming at ya on the ones and twos!’ she warbled into a microphone.

Then she pressed a button on her music player and the Future Ratboy theme tune started playing through the speakers.

18

Future Ratboy, in case you didn’t know, is my all-time favourite TV show. It’s all about this kid who gets zapped to the future and transformed into a half boy,

half rat, half TV.

‘Future Ratkeels!’ I cried, sticking

my hand out in front of me like

I was holding a dog lead, and I jiggled towards Bunky, my bum wagging like it had a tail.

19

‘What in the name of unkeelness are you doing, Barry?’ laughed Nancy Verkenwerken, who was standing next to Bunky.

‘It’s the Doggy Walk Wiggle!’ I said, skidding to a stop next to them both.

Nancy chuckled. ‘How’s the badgering going?’ she asked. I’d told her all about me badgering my mum for a sausage dog, of keelse.

20

‘Hasn’t worked yet unfortukeely,’ I said, my nose drooping.

Bunky patted me on the shoulder and grabbed a Cherry Fronkle from a pyramid of cans that’d been stacked up on a table.

‘Have a Fronkle instead,’ he said, like he’d bought it for me.

21

Just then, Anton Mildew marched past, doing his world famous robot dance. ‘MUST. DESTROY. ALL. BALLOONS,’ he bleeped, and Nancy chuckled.

I cracked my can of Fronkle open and took a sip. ‘Fancy a boogie, Bazza?’ said a familikeels voice.

22

I twizzled round and spotted Sharonella Sharalumbus from my class, standing three millimetres away

from the end of my nose. Next to her was her friend Fay Snoggles.

‘NO WAY!’ I spluttered, Fronkle spraying all over her and Fay’s shoes.

Sharonella fluttered her eyelashes

at me. ‘Lemme know if you change your mind,’ she said, dancing off, and I shuddered like a dog who’s just finished a wee.

23

After that I jiggled around on the dance floor, doing the Doggy Walk Wiggle with Bunky and Nancy for about nineteen hours. Then all of a non-sudden the song we were dancing to stopped.

24

Mrs Dongle tapped the microphone with one of her shiny red nails. ‘And now something for all you lovers out there!’ boomed her voice through the speakers.

‘Yuck, did you hear that?’ I said, pretending to puke all over Bunky and Nancy’s trainers. ‘DJ Dongles just called us lovers!’

25

Mrs Dongle pressed a button and a Frankie Teacup song started to warble out of the speakers.

Frankie Teacup is my dad’s favourite singer, in case you didn’t know.

He’s so old he

isn’t even alive

anymore.

26

‘Ooh, Banana Moon - that’s my gran’s favourite!’ squawked Sharonella, and she twizzled round on the spot, looking for someone to have a smoochy jiggle with.