Jim Smith - Barry Loser - I am Not a Loser

First published in Great Britain 2012

by Jelly Pie an imprint of Egmont UK Ltd

239 Kensington High Street London W8 6SA

Text and illustration copyright © Jim Smith 2012

The moral rights of the author-illustrator have been asserted.

ISBN 978 1 4052 6031 2

eISBN 978 1 7803 1122 7

www.egmont.co.uk

barryloser.com Jellypiebooks.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

CONTENTS

Cover

Title page

Copyright First published in Great Britain 2012 by Jelly Pie an imprint of Egmont UK Ltd 239 Kensington High Street London W8 6SA Text and illustration copyright © Jim Smith 2012 The moral rights of the author-illustrator have been asserted. ISBN 978 1 4052 6031 2 eISBN 978 1 7803 1122 7 www.egmont.co.uk barryloser.com Jellypiebooks.co.uk A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Praise

Being a Loser

The Keel Gang

Granny Harumpadunk

Barry Fakenose

Barry Longlegs

Barry Massive Robot Barry

My loser haircut

The wallpaper show

Fronklespit hairgel

My Loser pants

Sort of genius plan

Operation Reveal the Keel

Darren Darrenicey

The talent contest

Still the talent contest

Even stiller the talent contest

Still even stiller the talent contest

Vending Machine Mum

Being a winner

Being a loser again

About the Author

I’ve never minded that my name’s Barry Loser because my coolness has always cancelled it out, but ever since Darren Darrenofski joined school with his horrible little crocodile face he’s been completely ruining my life about it.

He’s always slurping on cans of Fronkle then burping in my ear.

When I complain that the burp is really loud and stinks of Fronkle he does this annoying little dance and sings ‘Barry Loser’s a Loser’ to the tune of ‘Happy Birthday to You’, which doesn’t work because it’s got too many syllables.

I was in the playground the other day when a ringpull hit me on the back of my neck and went down my jumper and into my pants. I turned round and it was Darren Darrenofski again.

‘Nice really long shoelaces, Barry Loser,’ he said, then he did a burp that went on for about an hour.

‘That’s how long they are,’ he said when it was finished.

‘At least I don’t look like a poo bum crocodile,’ I said back, which sounded a bit loserish when it came out of my mouth but it confused him enough so that I could run off before he threw his whole can of Fronkle at me.

Darren had got me worried that my laces were too long though and I spent the whole of Maths measuring shoelace lengths and came to the conclusion that he was right, so when I got home I cut a bit off each one.

By the way I’m a child genius so I didn’t just throw the leftovers away, I came up with an amazing use for them.

I planted them in the back garden like they were worms and watched from my window with my dad’s binocs as the little birds tried to eat them.

‘Do you want me to grab the end of Darren’s nose and stick it in a letter box?’ asked my friend Bunky as we walked home from school the next day. Bunky isn’t his real name by the way, it’s what his mum calls him.

Luckily he hasn’t heard my mum calling me ‘Snookyflumps’, although come to think of it, nothing could be worse than being called Barry Loser.

I’m gonna do something about my loserish name before Darren completely ruins my life about it even more.

Before Darren I was always one of the cool people at school. Not that I ever say the word ‘cool’, I say ‘keel’. It’s something me and Bunky came up with because in our favourite TV show, Future Ratboy, he says it that way.

The Keel Gang is mostly just me and Bunky hanging out together, watching Future Ratboyand playing it keel.

I’m Future Ratboyand Bunky is his annoying sidekick, Not Bird, except Bunky’s not a bird and he doesn’t say ‘NOT’ after everything.

One of the other things the Keel Gang does is annoy people down my street by knocking on their doors and running off, then phoning them up asking to speak to Poopoo.