Jim Smith - I am still not a Loser

First published in Great Britain 2013

by Jelly Pie, an imprint of Egmont UK Ltd

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text and illustration copyright © Jim Smith 2013

The moral rights of the author-illustrator have been asserted.

ISBN 978 1 4052 6032 9

eISBN 978 1 7803 1324 5

www.egmont.co.uk

barryloser.com

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Please note: Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont cannot take responsibility for any third party content or advertising. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

Cover

Title page

Copyright First published in Great Britain 2013 by Jelly Pie, an imprint of Egmont UK Ltd The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN Text and illustration copyright © Jim Smith 2013 The moral rights of the author-illustrator have been asserted. ISBN 978 1 4052 6032 9 eISBN 978 1 7803 1324 5 www.egmont.co.uk barryloser.com A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Please note: Any website addresses listed in this book are correct at the time of going to print. However, Egmont cannot take responsibility for any third party content or advertising. Please be aware that online content can be subject to change and websites can contain content that is unsuitable for children. We advise that all children are supervised when using the internet.

Praise for my first book

Hoverpoos

Grandpa Hodgepodge

Jealous little hairs

Feeko’s Supermarket

Cola Flavour Not Birds

The Poo Chair

Barold Loser

The walk of loserness

Mr & Mrs Smugly

Noseypoos

Rubbishest Sat ever

Zeditis

Playing it oodle

Benjamin Bottle

Mogden Museum

Mogden Man

Thingy-majigs

White chocolate Not Bird moon

Mr Scrapey-foot McLoser

Three Thumb Barry

Million Thumbs Barry

The scary doorbell

Ooooohs and Arrrgghhs

Scrapey shoe marks

The scream test

Still the scream test

Plastic leaves

Self-checkout robot mum

Thend

About the comma putter-innerer

You know when someone’s horrible to you in a dream and you wake up really annoyed with them? That’s what happened to me with my best friend Bunky.

In the dream I was my favourite TV character, Future Ratboy, and Bunky was his annoying sidekick Not Bird.

We were in the mayor’s office, which looked exactly like my granny’s house.

‘You’re the only ones who can save us from the hoverpoos!’ said the mayor, who was played by my teacher, Mr Hodgepodge.

Hoverpoos were the invention of Professor Smugly, who in the dream was Gordon Smugly from our class at school.

Gordon Smugly has the most perfect name for himself ever in the history of having a name, because he looks like a Gordon and is smug and ugly.

Professor Smugly had given all the dogs in town his hoverpoo potion so that now, instead of their poos landing splat on the ground, they hovered ten centimetres above it.

‘They’re everywhere!’ said the mayor, screaming as a hoverpoo floated up and bumped into his sock.

It was about the same size as Not Bird (Bunky) and the same colour (brown) and also floated (like birds can).

‘Don’t worry, Mayor Hodgepodge, we’ll stop Professor Smugly!’ I said, and I looked at his face to see if he was impressed, but he was too busy screaming and kicking at the hoverpoo to notice.

Because it was a dream, all of a sudden we were in Professor Smugly’s laboratory and I’d turned myself into a fly, and was sitting on Not Bird’s beak.

‘What’s all this craziness about?’ said Professor Smugly, holding a test tube with brown bubbling potion in it.

‘Ooh, can I have a sip?’ said Not Bird, flying over to the test tube.

He perched on the edge and dipped his beak in. ‘Ahhhhhhh,’ he said, and he turned straight into a hoverpoo.

‘Hmmm . . . a talking hoverpoo. That could be useful,’ said Professor Smugly, flicking me off Not Bird’s head.