Sarah Lizabeth Barker - Planning A Wedding For Dummies

What is premarital counseling? Premarital counseling is a therapy with your fiancé prior to getting married. The main focuses are on defining marriage, dealing with past relationships, roles inside the marriage, money management, planning for a family, and communication in your marriage. Let’s talk a little more about each of those.

Defining marriage: It’s important to discuss your expectations of marriage. If you’re going into the marriage with one expectation and your fiancé has a different expectation, this will cause tenson inside your marriage. Your expectations are formed by your past. What did you witness in your parents’ relationship? What do you see in your married friends’ relationships? You both have different influences, and it’s important to determine what your marriage definition is as a couple.

Dealing with past relationships: We all have past relationships. Some have been very painful, and we continue to deal with that pain. You may carry emotions from the past into your marriage without even knowing you’re doing that. It’s important to understand what has worked and not worked for you in your past relationships to help your marriage thrive in a healthy environment.

Roles inside the marriage: Our influences, good or bad, have defined what we feel are the roles inside of marriage. If you’re good at something such as accounting, then take care of the finances. If you’re a good cook, then take care of making dinner. Talk through the roles that each of you will play in your marriage. We all bring different strengths to the table and if you can figure those out and implement them, you both will feel valued.

Money management: As you may already know, a lot of marriages end in divorce due to money problems. This can be due to a variety of reasons, such as poor money management or hiding money from your spouse. Money is a subject that few enjoy talking about, but it’s important to determine what your plan will be to handle your money as a couple.

Planning for a family: You just got engaged and there’s a chance someone has already asked if you’re going to start a family. Well, what does your fiancé think of that? It does take two to tango, so make sure you’re both on the same page when it comes to planning for a family. The last thing you want is to think your fiancé wants to have children and then find out when you get married that they don’t.

Communication in your marriage: I personally believe communication is the key ingredient to having an amazing marriage. So much can be lost in poor communication, and working with a therapist can help define your communication skills in a marriage. We all communicate in different ways, so understanding your partner’s way of communicating will benefit your marriage. It may not be like yours, and that’s okay. Remember, you are two different people with different influences.

If you do decide to do premarital counseling, I would suggest you do it with the person who is officiating your ceremony. There are multiple reasons why I would suggest this. First, you will be able to build a relationship with the person who is marrying you. You may need this relationship later down the road and they’ll have history with you from the beginning. They will also be able to speak about your relationship during your ceremony. I love when the officiants know the couple because they have seen them on good days and bad. They can personalize the ceremony in a way that someone who doesn’t know you as a couple can’t. (See the section “Selecting Your Officiant” in Chapter 11for more about this.)

Make sure to check with your officiant prior to booking them to find out if they offer premarital counseling. If they do, ask them how many sessions you will have and what their availability is to make sure it aligns with your schedule. If they do not offer premarital counseling, reach out to your church or local community to connect with a trained and licensed premarital counselor. Remember, you are building the foundation for a lasting marriage. It’s important to ensure that when the storms of life come, your marriage can stand strong.

In most states, if you do premarital counseling with the person who is performing your ceremony, you can receive a discount on your marriage license fees. In Chapter 11we will discuss in detail how to obtain a marriage license, but make a note that this could save you money. They will fill out a form stating that you did premarital counseling and then you will take that form with you when you get a marriage license.

I understand that some people just don’t like the idea of going to see a counselor. It shows weakness, right? Well, I think the complete opposite. I believe that seeking counseling means that you care about being your very best and dealing with the past that has influenced your future. Take care of your relationship in preparation for marriage. I highly recommend you consider premarital counseling.

Well, here it is, friend! My sample wedding planning checklist. This is the checklist I use with all my clients. Remember what I said in the introduction about process. Others have different processes, but this one is my process. In Table 1-1, I share with you my wedding planning checklist. Remember, this is just a sample. Don’t let it stress you out. If you’re behind, you can catch up! Adapt it to fit your needs and dreams for a seamless wedding planning process.

TABLE 1-1Sample Wedding Planning Checklist