Annie Auerbach - Despicable Me 2

“First of all, you’ve got no proof that I did that,” Gru says, his arms folded. “And after I did do that, I put it back!” he adds.

“We’re well aware of that, Mr. Gru,” says Silas. “That’s why we’ve brought you here. I am the League’s director, Silas Ramsbottom.”

Upon hearing the name, the two Minions start giggling.

“ ‘Bottom,’ ” repeats Tom, pointing to Silas’s big butt.

Silas bristles. “Hilarious,” he says, with a roll of his eyes. He instructs Lucy to continue with the debriefing.

“Oh, me now,” she says nervously. “Um… recently an entire top secret Russian lab disappeared from the Arctic Circle. Yeah, the entire lab! Just whoosh! Gone. Where did it go?”

On a screen above them, an image of the magnetic ship that stole the laboratory appears.

The screen switches to show footage of a cute, furry bunny in a science lab.

“The lab was devoted to experiments involving PX-41, a transmutation serum,” continues Lucy. “What is PX-41, you ask? Um, it’s pretty bad. Look…”

Gru and the others watch the video footage of a lab technician approaching the bunny. The technician holds a syringe that contains purple liquid. As soon as it’s injected, the bunny transforms into a hideous purple monster bunny! Then it goes crazy and attacks the scientist, the technician, and even the camera!

“Hmm, you usually don’t see that in bunnies,” says Gru.

Silas’s voice grows serious. “As you can see, in the wrong hands, the PX-41 serum could be the most devastating weapon on Earth. Fortunately, it has a very distinct chemical footprint. Using the latest chemical-tracking technology, we found traces of it in the Paradise Mall.”

Gru skeptically questions, “A mall?”

“Precisely,” Silas answers. “And we believe that one of the shop owners is a master criminal. That’s where you come in.” He looks directly at Gru. “As an ex-villain, you know how a villain thinks, how a villain acts.”

Lucy explains the details. “The plan is to set you up undercover at a shop in the mall, where hopefully you’ll be able to—”

Gru shakes his head and says, “Okay, I can see where this is going with all the Mission: Impossible stuff, but no. No! I am a father now. And a legitimate businessman. I am developing a line of delicious jams and jellies.”

Silas shoots him a look. “Jams and jellies?”

“Oh, attitude! That’s right!” Gru says proudly. “So, thanks, but no thanks. Oh, and here’s a tip: Instead of zapping people and kidnapping them, maybe you should just give them a call! Good day, Mr. Sheepsbutt!”

“Ramsbottom,” corrects Silas, fuming.

“Oh, yeah, like that’s any better!” Gru replies. He turns and heads for the door, followed by the two Minions. Gru exits AVL headquarters, which he now sees is on a submarine.

Lucy stops him. “Look, I probably shouldn’t be saying this,” she begins, “but your work as a villain was kind of amazing, so if you ever want to get back to doing something awesome, give us a call.” She hands him her business card, which Gru takes.

Then he and the Minions row back to shore, wondering what on earth just happened.

Gru gently carries a sleeping Agnes upstairs. Inside the girls’ bedroom, he is surprised to find Margo texting and Edith out of bed.

“Hey, I told you guys to get to bed.”

Edith changes the subject. “So when are you going on your date?”

“What?”

“Remember? Miss Jillian said she was arranging a date for you,” explains Edith.

“Yeah, well, she is a nut job,” Gru tells her. “And I’m not going on any date.”

Edith looks puzzled. “Why not? Are you scared?”

Gru stares into space and starts remembering a time long ago when he was a little boy on the school playground. He was staring at a cute blond girl named Lisa, and he was totally lovesick….

Unfortunately, Lisa doesn’t notice Gru at all. She is busy chatting with her friends.

“Hey, did you guys see the moon landing on TV?” Lisa asks.

“Yeah, I can’t believe it,” replies one of the girls. “It’s so cool!”

“And you know what?” says Lisa.

Before she can finish, Gru pipes up. “Excuse me, Lisa?”

But she doesn’t notice him.

“I was talking to Billy the other day,” Lisa continues to her friends.

“No way!” squeal her friends.

“He is soooo cute!” says Lisa. “And I think he likes me.”

Gru gently taps Lisa’s shoulder with his finger to get her attention. Then one of the other girls points to him and exclaims, “Ewww! Gru touched Lisa! Gru touched Lisa!”

The other girls turn and are horrified. “Ewwww!”

“Lisa’s got Grooties!” shouts one girl to the entire playground.

The playground erupts with screams as all the kids turn and run away. A kid uses the seesaw to jump over the fence. Another kid hides in a garbage can! Two kids dig holes in the sandbox to hide.

Poor little Gru is left all alone, heartbroken.

When Gru comes out of his memory, he defensively stammers to Edith, “Scared? Of what? Women? No, that’s bonkers! I just have no interest in going on a date, that’s all. Case closed. I’m not scared… of women… or dates…. Let’s go to bed.” He tries to mask his discomfort by giving each of the girls a good night kiss. But when he gets to Margo, she is still texting.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Gru says to her. “Who are you texting?”

Margo shrugs. “No one. Just my friend Avery.”

“Avery? Is that a girl’s name or a boy’s name?” asks Gru.

“Does it matter?” says Margo.

Gru shakes his head. “No, no, it doesn’t matter… unless it’s a boy!”

“I know what makes you a boy,” Agnes offers.

Looking concerned, Gru turns to Agnes. “Uh… you… do?”

“Your bald head,” Agnes says confidently.

Gru nods, relieved. “Oh, yes.”

“It’s really smooth,” continues Agnes. “Sometimes I stare at it and imagine a little chick popping out. Peep, peep, peep.”

Gru stares at Agnes, both confused by and happy for her innocence. He sighs and gives her a kiss. “Good night, Agnes. Never get older.”

He turns out the light and leaves the room, thinking one thing: Parenting is hard!

The next day, many Minions are at work in Gru’s lab. What used to be the Missile Testing Area has now been designated as the Jelly Testing Area. A series of contraptions push the fruit through different containers and onto a conveyor belt, where it is automatically poured into jars.

After being made fun of by Silas for his jelly, Gru tentatively picks up one of the jars and asks his longtime mad scientist, Dr. Nefario, “So, how’s the jelly doing?”

A few of the Minions try it and almost throw up. They smash the jar on the floor and run away.

“Well, everybody’s got different tastes,” Gru offers, trying to brighten the mood.

Dr. Nefario sighs. “Listen, Gru. There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about for some time now.”

A look of worry crosses Gru’s face. “What? What’s wrong?”