Лорд Дансейни - Plays for Earth and Air

DIANA: Yes. Do.

PELBY: But we can’t spare badgers.

DIANA: Why can’t you?

PELBY: Well, one never does.

DIANA: Why not?

PELBY: Well, what good are they?

DIANA: What good are they?

PELBY: Yes.

DIANA: Oh well, I don’t suppose they are any good .

PELBY: Well, if a thing’s no good, it doesn’t seem to me that it has any right to exist.

DIANA: I suppose badgers think they’re some good.

PELBY: Oh yes, I’ve no doubt they do. I’ve no doubt they do, the silly beasts; they would. But I don’t know who else would speak for them.

DIANA: I will for one.

PELBY: Well, if you can tell me any good they do, Diana, I’ll call off the expedition to–morrow morning, and spare the whole lot of them.

DIANA: Oh, thank you so much. I think it’s so hard they should all be wiped out just because they open foxes’ earths. But I’m afraid I can’t think what good they do. ( Louder. ) Won’t someone speak up for badgers. They must do some good. ( To PELBY again .) It will do if someone else speaks for them, won’t it?

PELBY: Oh, yes. If anyone can tell me what good they do.

DIANA: Someone speak up for badgers. You, Mr. Williams. I know you’re very clever. I’m sure you must know what good badgers are.

WILLIAMS: Well I really … Hm. Badgers. (DOG barks .) I’m afraid, you see, I don’t know quite enough about badgers. ( Another bark. )

DIANA: Well, somebody must.

VOICES: H’m. Well. Badgers. (DOG barks .)

PELBY: You see, if they’re no good one doesn’t quite see what right they … ( But the ladies are now withdrawing. )

DIANA: Do tell the Master, somebody, some good that badgers are.

The men move closer. The port is passed.

PELBY: You know, I didn’t like to say so to Diana, but badgers are a damned nuisance.

GORSE: Of course they are.

PELBY: They’d open every earth in the county if we didn’t keep them down. It’d be no use stopping.

GORSE: None whatever.

PELBY: Any way they’re no damned use.

GORSE: None at all.

PELBY: At least I never heard they were.

CHORUS: No, badgers are no use. (DOG barks .)

PELBY: Well, in that case, Dick, we’ll draw that fellow in Grimley Wood to–morrow.

DICK: Rather!

GORSE: You know; when you come to think of it; there aren’t very many animals that are any use.

PELBY: No. There are horses of course, and cows, and pigs and poultry. And dogs go without saying.

GORSE: Yes, but things like stags for instance. I have a few in the park, but I don’t know what good they are.

PELBY: Oh I disagree with you there. A stag, a good highland stag, is a lot of use. I don’t know what a hall would be without one. A dozen good stags’ heads and a lion’s skin on the floor; if you took them away from my hall I’d feel it was only a barn.

GORSE: Ah, yes. Well, I’ll admit the stag. But there are heaps of animals that are no use whatever. Bears for instance. You couldn’t find any use in a bear.

PELBY: Oh I don’t know. He’s a jolly beast in the Zoo. He entertains lots of children.

GORSE: Well, elephants.

PELBY: I don’t know about the African elephant, except that he gives us ivory; though that’s pretty useful. But the Indian elephant’s a lot of good. I think a good many animals have their uses.

GORSE: Ah, the Indian elephant: we trained him. Of course lots of animals owe a great deal to us: they’d be no good but for our training; and they’d be hard put to it to get food and lodging too.

2ND FOXHUNTER: Well, what about a crow. They do no harm, but you can’t say they’re of any use.

PELBY: A crow; no: I don’t think one could.

GORSE: I’m sure you couldn’t. And what about mice?

PELBY: No. They don’t do much harm provided you’ve plenty of cats to keep them down. But they’re certainly no use.

GORSE: And then, rabbits.

PELBY: Rabbits, blast them; they’re just an infernal nuisance. They open earths; they can kill a horse; or a man for that matter. I wouldn’t have a damned rabbit in the whole world if I could help it.

GORSE: Bees of course are some good.

PELBY: Yes, I like honey.

2ND FOXHUNTER: I’ll tell you one creature that’s no good whatever, and no one can say he is.

PELBY: What’s that?

2ND FOXHUNTER: The mosquito.

PELBY: Oh, the mosquito. I grant you that.

2ND FOXHUNTER: Can’t think what he was ever invented for.

PELBY: No. I suppose there was some reason.

2ND FOXHUNTER: Can’t think what it is.

PELBY: No, nor can I.

GORSE: Nor could anyone. I say, Dick; it’s time you went to bed if you’re getting up for that badger, and hunting afterwards.

DICK: Oh, father, not yet.

GORSE: Yes, quite time. What do you think, Pelby?

PELBY: I was just thinking it was a very good idea, and for me too if you’ll excuse me. Late nights as well as early mornings don’t go well with fox–hunting.

GORSE: Yes, certainly.

PELBY: And will you apologise for me to the ladies?

GORSE: Yes, that will be all right.

PELBY: Then I think I’ll go now. Come on Dick.

Fade out.

“Good night. Good night. Good night”: heard along a passage, and the shutting of doors. But from within we hear the sound of PELBY taking off his shoes and throwing his coat on to a chair, and then a knock at his door .

DICK: I say, shall I tell them to call you at 7.30?

PELBY: Yes. That will do.

DICK: And I’ll have the car round at 8, with the dogs in it, yours and mine.

PELBY: All right, Dick.

DICK: Good night.

PELBY: Good night. ( More sounds of his undressing. ) That’ll teach the blasted badger. ( We hear creaking of springs as he climbs into bed. He rustles into comfort. Silence. And then…. ) No, but really … but really, I mean … What’s the damned use of a badger? ( He snores and snores and snores. A gurgle. He wakes. ) Hullo…. Hullo…. What? … A ghost, by God.

THE SPIRIT: That is so.

PELBY: But, what do you want?

THE SPIRIT: Follow.

PELBY: Follow? But where?

THE SPIRIT: Follow.

PELBY: What? Dressed like this?

THE SPIRIT: Follow.

PELBY: And I believe it’s freezing.

THE SPIRIT: Follow.

There is a great wind in the curtains, and then a wind travelling like a shell.

PELBY: I say. We’re going an awful pace.

THE SPIRIT: Follow.

PELBY: Well, I can’t help myself. But is there all that hurry? I say! We’re leaving Earth behind.

THE SPIRIT: Far.

PELBY: Good Lord! ( Silence but for the wind on which they are riding, and then little tinklings. ) What are all those tinklings and lights?

THE SPIRIT: The asteroids.

PELBY: Good Lord! They are small planets aren’t they? ( No answer and the tinklings cease. ) Look here. What I want to know, what I want to know is: where are you taking me to? I mean, if you are going to kill me, why don’t you damned well say so? I have risked my neck often enough, only I want to know.

THE SPIRIT: Follow.

PELBY: Well, he isn’t talkative…. ( A deep note is heard droning. ) I say what’s that ugly thing there on our left, that’s droning at us?

THE SPIRIT: The planet Neptune.

PELBY: But we can’t be as far as that! … I say! It’s dropped behind us…. Why! There are no more planets…. . Gad! I believe I see land. I believe I do. It is, by Gad. But where?

THE SPIRIT: A resting place, and a meeting ground, for spirits.

PELBY: Well, there are plenty of them there.

THE SPIRIT: Hail, spirits.

SPIRITS ( from a hundred voices ): HAIL!!!