Лорд Дансейни - Plays for Earth and Air

MRS. BELTHAM: I’m sure you will.

SQUIRE: And he must do what he can to fit himself for his work.

MRS. BELTHAM: I’m sure he will, as far as his capacity goes.

SQUIRE: Yes, that of course is the trouble.

MRS. BELTHAM: He can’t do more can he?

SQUIRE: Oh no. I’m not unreasonable.

MRS. BELTHAM: No, I know you will make every allowance for him.

The SQUIRE nods comfortingly . MRS. UPSHOTT whose sobs have continued longest has now ceased, and she catches with a quick ear the trend against SLIGGEN. At this point, where the last of the praise has utterly died away, the DARK STRANGER appears at the window smiling, unseen by any. By another wave of his hand he seems to encourage further progress towards the end of his bargain, and disappears again.

MR. PURSNIP ( to CHAPLAIN): Was he right, do you think, to use that pause that he made, in order to get his effect?

CHAPLAIN: I’ll ask. I’ll ask the Bishop. ( He rises and walks over to the BISHOP.) Mr. Pursnip wanted to know, my lord, whether Mr. Sliggen was justified in making use of that rather unexpected pause.

BISHOP: I shouldn’t do it myself. I can only say that I shouldn’t do it myself.

CHAPLAIN: I am sure that your lordship would not.

BISHOP: I never have.

CHAPLAIN: No, indeed not. ( He returns to =Mr. Pursnip=.) You heard what his lordship said. I am entirely of his opinion, though I cannot cloak my opinions with the charity that is always over all his lordship’s.

MR. PURSNIP: A clergyman that plays tricks on his congregation is perhaps hardly worthy of charity.

CHAPLAIN: His lordship is charitable, really to everyone.

MR. PURSNIP: I admire his charity. I admire it myself. Only I cannot imitate it when I am annoyed. To me it is annoying to have been tricked as we have been.

CHAPLAIN: I can quite sympathize with your feelings.

MR. PURSNIP: Do you not share them?

CHAPLAIN: I try to be tolerant. I always try to be as tolerant as I can.

MR. PURSNIP: That’s all very christian of course. But I don’t like being made a fool of.

CHAPLAIN: No, naturally. ( To MRS. PURSNIP.) I am sure that the bishop much regrets any theatricalism that Mr. Sliggen may have made use of.

MRS. PURSNIP: Theatricalism wasn’t the word for it!

CHAPLAIN: No, he certainly went a bit too far.

MRS. PURSNIP: A bit too far.

CHAPLAIN: I very much regret it.

MRS. PURSNIP ( to MRS. BELTHAM): Mr. Meedle says that Mr. Sliggen went a bit too far.

MRS. BELTHAM: Mr. Meedle is very charitable. The dear bishop himself is not more so.

MRS. PURSNIP: I suppose if I were more charitable I should feel less of a fool.

MRS. BELTHAM: Oh, Mrs. Pursnip, how can you say such a thing?

MRS. PURSNIP: We’ve been made fools of, Mrs. Beltham.

MRS. BELTHAM: By no means, Mrs. Pursnip, by no means. You were all most long–suffering while Mr. Sliggen exposed your feelings to those rather regrettable devices. I assure you he will not do it again. But you have been most tolerant and most restrained through the whole, I don’t know what to call it, the whole exhibition.

MRS. PURSNIP: It’s very kind of you to say so.

MRS. BELTHAM: Oh, but I mean it. ( To SQUIRE.) I do hope, Sir Edwin, that you don’t feel that the Bishop had any part whatever in, in what happened this evening.

SQUIRE: I? Oh, no. You mean the sermon. He did rather catch us out sometimes, didn’t he?

MRS. BELTHAM: Oh, it was dreadful.

SQUIRE: Well, do you know, Mrs. Beltham, if anyone makes a fool of me, I laugh. The other man is sure to do it if I don’t. So I do it myself, and enjoy any humour that there may happen to be in it. Ha. Ha.

MRS. BELTHAM: It’s a very generous way to take it.

SQUIRE: Not a bit. It does us good to be made fools of now and again. It makes us sharper. Ha. Ha. Ha.

MRS. MUNCHEON looks to see what he is laughing at .

I’m laughing at those tricks that Sliggen played on us. If I’m made a fool of, someone is bound to laugh. It may as well be me.

MRS. MUNCHEON: That’s a very good way to take it. I’ve just been feeling that I could never go into that church again after the way I’d been taken in by all his tricks.

SQUIRE: No, no. Just laugh.

MRS. MUNCHEON: Well he was really very silly.

SQUIRE: Very silly indeed.

MRS. MUNCHEON laughs .

MR. PURSNIP: He fooled the lot of us.

He laughs too. Of those that are not now laughing with the SQUIRE, MRS. BELTHAM and the CHAPLAIN are smiling as broadly as they think is permissible; indeed the CHAPLAIN is laughing softly. Even the BISHOP is smiling a little . MRS. PURSNIP alone is looking sore and angry. She looks from face to face, then suddenly breaks into laughter, even the louder for her delay.

BISHOP: Yes, I am afraid he tricked us.

MRS. UPSHOTT is happy to see the party so merry and adds her own quiet titters. The door opens and the uproar is hastily stifled, but the recent laughter is as unmistakable as would be a fire on the carpet that they had just put out.

Enter VICAR. He was coming in humble before the great congratulations that he thought he was about to receive. He stares from face to face, while no one speaks, being busy with the suppression of their laughter. Then in the silence is heard a long laugh off.

VICAR: Who’s that laughing?

But no one else has heard it.

BISHOP: No. No, I heard nothing.

CHAPLAIN: No. I can’t hear it.

VICAR: Listen. ( Another peal. ) There.

CHAPLAIN: I hear nothing. Do you?

MR. PURSNIP ( almost laughing ): No.

They honestly don’t hear it. The VICAR stands long in thoughtful silence; then sits down .

VICAR: Then, let’s all laugh!

He laughs rather bitterly, and they as though rather enjoying the joke that has been played on them. The CHAPLAIN with hearty laughs goes up and slaps him on the back .

CURTAIN

Dramatis personæ - * Larchet * Keddle * Mrs. Larchet * Allen * Madget

SCENE: A green in Kent, by a roadside. Along the left of the stage (audience’s left), runs the hedge of LARCHET’S garden .

LARCHET is standing by the wicket . KEDDLE, a small farmer, passes across the green carrying a pumpkin .

LARCHET: That’s rather a big pumpkin, Keddle.

KEDDLE: Rather a big pumpkin, sir? Science and all that, I know you know a lot about them.

LARCHET: Well? And what if I do, Keddle?

KEDDLE: Well, sir, I always say a man may know a lot about science, and yet, if you’ll excuse my saying so …

LARCHET: Oh, say what you like. Out with it.

KEDDLE: Well. And know nothing about a pumpkin.

LARCHET: Nothing, Keddle?

KEDDLE: Not if you thinks this is rather a big pumpkin, sir.

LARCHET: Yes, I should have said very big.

KEDDLE: You certainly should, sir.

LARCHET: Very big indeed.

KEDDLE: You should indeed, sir.

LARCHET: But I’ll tell you one thing about a pumpkin that you don’t know.

KEDDLE: Not about pumpkins, sir.

LARCHET: Oh yes I can.

KEDDLE: About pumpkins, sir? I’ve given my life to them.

LARCHET: I can tell you something about that very pumpkin you’ve got there.

KEDDLE: This pumpkin, sir?

LARCHET: Yes, and it’s this; that if a scientist were to release a certain power that there is in that pumpkin; the whole of it; a power that there is in what we call the atom; we should get enough force from it to light and warm all these houses, and to run all the trains to London, and to warm all the valley for that matter; for a hundred years.