Лорд Дансейни - Plays for Earth and Air

ALLEN: And what is that?

MADGET: I told you: monkeying with the atom: some clever fool like Larchet.

ALLEN: But how does that do it?

MADGET: Why, if you release the atoms of a baked bean you release a colossal force. You upset a system. Do you think the other atoms are going to sit still and look on? As well try to confine an international war to Serbia.

ALLEN: The whole world, do you mean?

MADGET: Not only that, but our whole system. It would shatter the other planets: the sun would simply become a nova.

ALLEN: And all because of Larchet.

MADGET: All because we’d grown too clever, and our time was up.

ALLEN: By Gad, I believe you’re right. But there’s a little good horse–sense left in the world yet. I’ve got a little for one. He’s going to do it with a pumpkin; we’ll stop him.

MADGET: Where is he?

ALLEN: I don’t know. But we can raise the village against him. They’ll know. They don’t much like him either, from what I could gather. Too clever for them; that’s their good horse–sense again. And it will save the world all right. Hi, Hi, Hi. Hullo. Hi. You shout too, Madget.

MADGET: I will. Hi. Hi.

Enter KEDDLE.

KEDDLE: Hullo, Mister.

ALLEN: My friend here agrees with what I told you about that pumpkin, but he thinks it will smash things up. You must get hold of him and stop it. It isn’t safe.

KEDDLE: That’s all very well, sir, but …

ALLEN: But what?

KEDDLE: I got a fiver for that pumpkin.

ALLEN: Oh, is that all? You don’t understand. It would smash everything. It would be the end of the world.

KEDDLE: Still; I got a fiver for it.

ALLEN: Suppose we must buy it from him.

MADGET: Yes.

ALLEN: Can we afford it?

MADGET: What? To save the solar system?

ALLEN: We’ll give you your fiver, if you’ll find Mr. Larchet for us.

KEDDLE: If the pumpkin’s to be given back I’ll want my fair profit.

ALLEN: Yes. All right, all right.

KEDDLE: Well, he lives there, sir. Wait a moment, I’ll get a few pals. ( Shouting. ) Hi. Come over here a few of you. There’s dirty work going on. Come over here. Better bring your pitchforks. Come on.

ALLEN: Have you got a fiver on you?

MADGET: No, I haven’t.

ALLEN: No, nor have I.

MADGET: What shall we do?

ALLEN: Leave him these bicycles as a pledge, and go down to the village and telegraph.

KEDDLE: Hi. Come on. Hurry up with those pitchforks.

ALLEN: We’re leaving you our bicycles till we can get the money.

KEDDLE: All right, Mister. ( Shouting. ) Hi. Hi. Come on Bill. Be quick. That Mr. Larchet’s got hold of my pumpkin. And he’s going to do something tricky with it. Going to pretty well smash up the world with it. Come on Bill.

BILL ( off ): Aye. I’m coming.

KEDDLE: Come on Charlie. Come on. That Mr. Larchet’s going to smash up the world with my pumpkin. Come and get it away from him.

CHARLIE ( off ): All right. We’ll get it.

ANOTHER VOICE ( off ): Hi. What’s the matter?

KEDDLE: That Mr. Larchet’s got my pumpkin.

VOICE: We’ll have it off him.

KEDDLE: Come on, Fred.

Enter MRS. LARCHET.

MRS. LARCHET: What’s all this noise?

KEDDLE: I want my pumpkin back, Mum.

MRS. LARCHET: Why?

KEDDLE: Mr. Larchet, he’s going to do no good with it.

MRS. LARCHET: Going to do no good with it? How do you know?

KEDDLE: ’Cause a London gentleman told me.

MRS. LARCHET: A London gentleman? What does he know about it?

KEDDLE: Oh, he knew all right.

MRS. LARCHET: Do you believe any stranger’s word against Mr. Larchet.

KEDDLE: Mr. Larchet told me the same thing himself, Mum.

MRS. LARCHET: You’re talking sheer nonsense.

KEDDLE: Am I, Mum? Am I? Well, do you know what he paid me for that pumpkin? Look here, Mum. ( He shows fiver. She stares. ) Yes a fiver. That was for no honest work. A fiver for a pumpkin, indeed! ( To MEN off .) Come on boys. ( To HER.) He’s up to no good with it.

MRS. LARCHET: Wait a minute, I’ll get it for you.

Exit.

KEDDLE: Come on boys. Can’t take no chances, or that pumpkin’ll be the end of the world. Come on. Slip round to the back of his house, Bill. And if you meet him; yes, round that way; if you catch him coming out of the back, just tell him he’s not going to smash up the world with my pumpkin. We’ll see he don’t.

Enter MR. and MRS. LARCHET. He carrying the pumpkin.

LARCHET: What’s all this shouting about the pumpkin. I don’t want it. Take it to the Harvest Festival.

It is MRS. LARCHET that secures the return of the fiver .

KEDDLE: The Harvest Festival, sir? Not now I wouldn’t. A pumpkin that’s nearly been the end of the world? I wouldn’t be so wicked.

CURTAIN

Dramatis personæ

* 1ST FOXHUNTER

* 2ND FOXHUNTER

* LORD GORSE

* MR. PELBY, M.F.H.

* DICK (Lord Gorse’s Son)

* DIANA (a hunting lady)

* A TRAVELLING SPIRIT

The Spirits of the Dog, the Crow, the Bear, the Badger, the African Elephant, the Indian Elephant, the Mouse, the Cat, the Horse, the Pig, the Bee, the Hen, the Rabbit, Birds, and the Mosquito.

SCENE: LORD GORSE and his guests at dinner at Bowton Grange, in the middle of the hunting season . PELBY, the M.F.H., is at the end nearest the audience, and is therefore heard, with the lady next to him , DIANA, the most clearly .

Voices at the further end of the table.

1ST FOXHUNTER: I think we changed.

2ND FOXHUNTER: We never changed!

1ST FOXHUNTER: I think we did.

2ND FOXHUNTER: Where?

1ST FOXHUNTER: At Todhunters Gorse.

2ND FOXHUNTER: We never went into it.

1ST FOXHUNTER: No. But hounds ran within two hundred yards of it. That’s near enough.

2ND FOXHUNTER: I don’t believe it.

1ST FOXHUNTER: Well, even if we did, it was a perfectly glorious hunt.

LORD GORSE: Would have been. Would have been if that damned earth hadn’t been open. I never think a run to ground can come up to one that ends with a kill in the open, even if that one is a mile or two shorter.

A LADY: Why was it open? That’s what we want to know.

PELBY: Badgers.

GORSE: I’d kill every badger in the whole country. Every badger from here to the Oozle.

PELBY: We’re going to.

GORSE: I wouldn’t leave one alive.

PELBY: We shan’t.

GORSE: That’s right, Master.

PELBY: I’ve sent for my two terriers from the kennels. And young Dick here has his two.

DICK (LORD GORSE’S son ): Rather.

PELBY: And we’re going to Grimley Wood to–morrow at 8. We’ll draw one badger before 11.

DICK: Change the meet to 11.30, Master. It will give us more time to get that badger.

PELBY: Oh we’ll get him all right, without that. But if it takes us longer than we think we needn’t move off till say 11.15. But we’ll get him.

DICK: Hooray.

PELBY: Oh, yes. Don’t you worry.

DICK: If Bob gets a chance he’ll just freeze on to him. Bob. Badgers! Badgers! Badgers!

BOB agrees .

GORSE: Dick. Dick. A little quiet please.

DICK: It isn’t my fault, father. I can’t stop him. He’s always like this when he hears of badgers. Aren’t you Bob?

GORSE: Well, ask him to keep that noise till to–morrow morning.

DICK: Bob. Not till to–morrow. Not till to–morrow, Bob.

DIANA ( as barking subsides ): Do spare the badgers, Mr. Pelby.

PELBY: Spare the badgers?