Nicolai Gogol - The Inspector-General

AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you the dog we were bargaining about.

GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now.

AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree on some other dog.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how happy I am over your good fortune. You can't imagine how happy I am.

KOROBKIN. But where, may i ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard he had gone away for some reason or other.

GOVERNOR. Yes, he's gone off for a day on a highly important matter.

ANNA. To his uncle—to ask his blessing.

GOVERNOR. To ask his blessing. But tomorrow— (He sneezes, and all burst into one exclamation of well-wishes.) Thank you very much. But tomorrow he'll be back.

He sneezes, and is congratulated again. Above the other voices are heard those of the following.

CAPTAIN. I wish you health, your honor.

BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a sack of ducats.

DOBCHINSKY. May god increase it to a thousand.

ARTEMY. May you go to hell!

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. The devil take you!

GOVERNOR. I'm very much obliged to you. I wish you the same.

ANNA. We intend to live in st. Petersburg now. I must say, the atmosphere here is too village-like. I must say, it's extremely unpleasant. My husband, too —he'll be made a general there.

GOVERNOR. Yes, confound it, gentlemen, i admit i should very much like to be a general.

LUKA. May god grant that you get a generalship.

RASTAKOVSKY. From man it is impossible, but from god everything is possible.

AMMOS. High merits, high honors.

ARTEMY. Reward according to service.

AMMOS (aside) . The things he'll do when he becomes a general. A generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow. It's a far cry to his generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven't been made generals yet.

ARTEMY (aside) . The devil take it—he's aiming for a generalship. Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He's got the air of importance, the devil take him! (Addressing the Governor.) Don't forget us then, Anton Antonovich.

AMMOS. And if anything happens—for instance, some difficulty in our affairs—don't refuse us your protection.

KOROBKIN. Next year i am going to take my son to the capital to put him in government service. So do me the kindness to give me your protection. Be a father to the orphan.

GOVERNOR. I am ready for my part—ready to exert my efforts on your behalf.

ANNA. Antosha, you are always ready with your promises. In the first place, you won't have time to think of such things. And how can you—how is it possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises?

GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It's possible occasionally.

ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't give protection to every small potato.

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear the way she speaks of us?

GUEST. She's always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and she'll put her feet on it.

The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in his hand.

POSTMASTER. A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official whom we took to be an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.

ALL. How so? Not an inspector-general?

POSTMASTER. No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.

GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What letter?

POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter to the postoffice, i glance at the address and i see pochtamtskaya street. I was struck dumb. "well," I think to myself, "I suppose he found something wrong in the postoffice department and is informing the government." So I unsealed it.

GOVERNOR. How could you?

POSTMASTER. I don't know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. "I can't, I can't," I hear a voice telling me. "I can't." But it pulled me and pulled me. In one ear I heard, "Don't open the letter. You will die like a chicken," and in the other it was just as if the devil were whispering, "Open it, open it." And when I cracked the sealing wax, I felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around me.

GOVERNOR. But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a personage?

POSTMASTER. But that's just the point—he's neither powerful nor a personage.

GOVERNOR. Then what is he in your opinion?

POSTMASTER. He's neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he is.

GOVERNOR (furiously). H ow neither one thing nor another? How do you dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides? I'll put you under arrest.

POSTMASTER. Who—you?

GOVERNOR. Yes, i.

POSTMASTER. You haven't the power.

GOVERNOR. Do you know that he's going to marry my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile to Siberia?

POSTMASTER. Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away. I'd rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter.

ALL. Do read it.

POSTMASTER (reads). "I hasten to inform you, my dear friend, what wonderful things have happened to me. On the way here an infantry captain did me out of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here wanted to send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and dress, the whole town took me for a governor-general. Now I am staying at the governor's home. I am having a grand time and I am flirting desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven't decided whom to begin with. I think with the mother first, because she seems ready to accept all terms. You remember how hard up we were taking our meals wherever we could without paying for them, and how once the pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the king of England? Now it is quite different. They lend me all the money I want. They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Put them in your literature. In the first place the Governor is as stupid as an old horse—"

GOVERNOR. Impossible! That can't be in the letter.

POSTMASTER (showing the letter). R ead for yourself.

GOVERNOR (reads). "As an old horse." Impossible! You put it in yourself.

POSTMASTER. How could i?

ARTEMY. Go on reading.

LUKA. Go on reading.

POSTMASTER (continuing to read). "The Governor is as stupid as an old horse—"

GOVERNOR. Oh, the devil! He's got to read it again. As if it weren't there anyway.