Nicolai Gogol - The Inspector-General

MERCHANTS (bowing). W e are guilty, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there wasn't even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to Siberia. What do you say to that?

A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before god, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever satisfaction you want, only don't be angry.

GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you would trample me in the very dirt—you scoundrels! And you would crush me under a beam besides.

MERCHANTS (prostrating themselves). D on't ruin us, Anton Antonovich.

GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't ruin us! And what did you say before? I could give you— (shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands.) Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't harbor malice for long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be— you understand? Don't try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Well, leave now, in God's name.

Merchants leave.

The same , Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky .

AMMOS (in the doorway). A re we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich? A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it?

ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it. (Kisses Anna's hand.) Anna Andreyevna! (Kissing Marya's hand.) Marya Antonovna!

Rastakovsky enters.

RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous progeny—grand-children and great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna! (Kissing her hand.) Marya Antonovna! (Kissing her hand.)

The same , Korobkinand his Wife, Liuliukov.

KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna (kissing her hand) and you Marya Antonovna (kissing her hand).

KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Icongratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.

LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. (Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front.) Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you. (Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.)

A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand saying: "Anna Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying "Marya Antonovna."

Bobchinsky and Dobchinskyenter jostling each other.

BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you.

DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, i have the honor to congratulate you.

BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event.

DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.

DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! (Kisses her hand.) I have the honor to congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your time most entertainingly.

BOBCHINSKY (breaking in) . God give you all sorts of riches and of money and a wee tiny little son, like this. (Shows the size with his hands.) So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."

More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among them Luka Lukichand his wife.

Luka Lukich. I have the honor.

LUKA'S WIFE (running ahead). C ongratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. (They kiss.) Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think to myself. It made me so glad that I said to my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik, that's a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I to myself, "thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted that I'm consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh, my God," think I to myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen." Really, it made me so glad that I couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed, so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are you crying so for, Nastenka?" "Lukanchik," I said, "I don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing like a stream."

GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, mishka, bring some more chairs in.

The Guests seat themselves.

The same , the Police Captainand Sergeants.

CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish you long years of prosperity.

GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.

The Guests seat themselves.

AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about, and how did it all—ahem!— go?

GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make the proposal in his own person.

ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke beautifully. He said: "Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect for your worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he says, "life is not worth a penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities."

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.

ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And don't meddle in other people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I am enraptured." That was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an honor," he suddenly went down on his knees, and so aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "don't make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my feelings, or else I'll put an end to my life."

MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.

ANNA. Yes, of course—to you, too. I don't deny it.

GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through his brains. "I'll shoot myself, I'll shoot myself," he said.

MANY GUESTS. Well, for the lord's sake!

AMMOS. How remarkable!

LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained.

ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the Governor's services that brought him this piece of fortune. (Aside.) Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.