George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

MRS HUSHABYE And are there no young men with money.

ELLIE Not within my reach. Besides, a young man would have the right to expect love from me, and would perhaps leave me when he found I could not give it to him. Rich young men can get rid of their wives, you know, pretty cheaply. But this object, as you call him, can expect nothing more from me than I am prepared to give him.

MRS HUSHABYE He will be your owner, remember. If he buys you, he will make the bargain pay him and not you. Ask your father.

ELLIE [rising and strolling to the chair to contemplate their subject] You need not trouble on that score, Hesione. I have more to give Boss Mangan than he has to give me: it is I who am buying him, and at a pretty good price too, I think. Women are better at that sort of bargain than men. I have taken the Boss’s measure; and ten Boss Mangans shall not prevent me doing far more as I please as his wife than I have ever been able to do as a poor girl. [ Stooping to the recumbent figure. ] Shall they, Boss? I think not. [ She passes on to the drawing-table, and leans against the end of it, facing the windows. ] I shall not have to spend most of my time wondering how long my gloves will last, anyhow.

MRS HUSHABYE [ rising superbly ] Ellie, you are a wicked, sordid little beast. And to think that I actually condescended to fascinate that creature there to save you from him! Well, let me tell you this: if you make this disgusting match, you will never see Hector again if I can help it.

ELLIE [ unmoved ] I nailed Mangan by telling him that if he did not marry me he should never see you again [she lifts herself on her wrists and seats herself on the end of the table].

MRS HUSHABYE [ recoiling ] Oh!

ELLIE So you see I am not unprepared for your playing that trump against me. Well, you just try it: that’s all. I should have made a man of Marcus, not a household pet.

MRS HUSHABYE [ flaming ] You dare!

ELLIE [looking almost dangerous] Set him thinking about me if you dare.

MRS HUSHABYE Well, of all the impudent little fiends I ever met! Hector says there is a certain point at which the only answer you can give to a man who breaks all the rules is to knock him down. What would you say if I were to box your ears?

ELLIE [ calmly ] I should pull your hair.

MRS HUSHABYE [ mischievously ] That wouldn’t hurt me. Perhaps it comes off at night.

ELLIE [ so taken aback that she drops off the table and runs to her ] Oh, you don’t mean to say, Hesione, that your beautiful black hair is false?

MRS HUSHABYE [ patting it ] Don’t tell Hector. He believes in it.

ELLIE [ groaning ] Oh! Even the hair that ensnared him false! Everything false!

MRS HUSHABYE Pull it and try. Other women can snare men in their hair; but I can swing a baby on mine. Aha! you can’t do that, Goldylocks.

ELLIE [ heartbroken ] No. You have stolen my babies.

MRS HUSHABYE Pettikins, don’t make me cry. You know what you said about my making a household pet of him is a little true. Perhaps he ought to have waited for you. Would any other woman on earth forgive you?

ELLIE Oh, what right had you to take him all for yourself! [ Pulling herself together. ] There! You couldn’t help it: neither of us could help it. He couldn’t help it. No, don’t say anything more: I can’t bear it. Let us wake the object. [ She begins stroking MANGAN’s head, reversing the movement with which she put him to sleep. ] Wake up, do you hear? You are to wake up at once. Wake up, wake up, wake —

MANGAN [ bouncing out of the chair in a fury and turning on them ] Wake up! So you think I’ve been asleep, do you? [ He kicks the chair violently back out of his way, and gets between them. ] You throw me into a trance so that I can’t move hand or foot — I might have been buried alive! it’s a mercy I wasn‘t — and then you think I was only asleep. If you’d let me drop the two times you rolled me about, my nose would have been flattened for life against the floor. But I’ve found you all out, anyhow. I know the sort of people I’m among now. I’ve heard every word you’ve said, you and your precious father, and [ to MRS HUSHABYE ] you too. So I’m an object, am I? I’m a thing, am I? I’m a fool that hasn’t sense enough to feed myself properly, am I? I’m afraid of the men that would starve if it weren’t for the wages I give them, am I? I’m nothing but a disgusting old skinflint to be made a convenience of by designing women and fool managers of my works, am I? I’m —

MRS HUSHABYE [ with the most elegant aplomb ] Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh! Mr Mangan, you are bound in honor to obliterate from your mind all you heard while you were pretending to be asleep. It was not meant for you to hear.

MANGAN Pretending to be asleep! Do you think if I was only pretending that I’d have sprawled there helpless, and listened to such unfairness, such lies, such injustice and plotting and backbiting and slandering of me, if I could have up and told you what I thought of you! I wonder I didn’t burst.

MRS HUSHABYE [ sweetly ] You dreamt it all, Mr. Mangan. We were only saying how beautifully peaceful you looked in your sleep. That was all, wasn’t it, Ellie? Believe me, Mr Mangan, all those unpleasant things came into your mind in the last half second before you woke. Ellie rubbed your hair the wrong way; and the disagreeable sensation suggested a disagreeable dream.

MANGAN [ doggedly ] I believe in dreams.

MRS HUSHABYE So do I. But they go by contraries, [311] That is, the reality is the opposite of the dream. don’t they?

MANGAN [ depths of emotion suddenly welling up in him ] I shan’t forget, to my dying day, that when you gave me the glad eye that time in the garden, you were making a fool of me. That was a dirty low mean thing to do. You had no right to let me come near you if I disgusted you. It isn’t my fault if I’m old and haven’t a moustache like a bronze candlestick as your husband band has. There are things no decent woman would do to a man — like a man hitting a woman in the breast. HESIONE, utterly shamed, sits down on the sofa and covers her face with her hands. MANGAN sits down also on his chair and begins to cry like a child. ELLIE stares at them. MRS HUSHABYE, at the distressing sound he makes, takes down her hands and looks at him. She rises and runs to him.

MRS HUSHABYE Don’t cry: I can’t bear it. Have I broken your heart? I didn’t know you had one. How could I?

MANGAN I’m a man, ain’t I?

MRS HUSHABYE [ half coaxing, half rallying, altogether tenderly ] Oh no: not what I call a man. Only a Boss: just that and nothing else. What business has a Boss with a heart?

MANGAN Then you’re not a bit sorry for what you did, nor ashamed?

MRS HUSHABYE I was ashamed for the first time in my life when you said that about hitting a woman in the breast, and I found out what I’d done. My very bones blushed red. You’ve had your revenge, Boss. Aren’t you satisfied?

MANGAN Serve you right! Do you hear? Serve you right! You’re just cruel. Cruel.

MRS HUSHABYE Yes: cruelty would be delicious if one could only find some sort of cruelty that didn’t really hurt. By the way [ sitting down beside him on the arm of the chair ] , what’s your name? It’s not really Boss, is it?

MANGAN [ shortly ] If you want to know, my name’s Alfred.

MRS HUSHABYE [ springs up ] Alfred!! Ellie, he was christened after Tennyson!!!

MANGAN [ rising ] I was christened after my uncle, and never had a penny from him, damn him! What of it?