George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

THE BURGLAR It wasn’t legal. I’ve been married to no end of women. No use coming that over me.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Take him to the forecastle [ he flings him to the door with a strength beyond his years ] .

GUINNESS I suppose you mean the kitchen. They won’t have him there. Do you expect servants to keep company with thieves and all sorts?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Land-thieves and water-thieves are the same flesh and blood. I’ll have no boatswain on my quarter-deck. Off with you both.

THE BURGLAR Yes, Captain. [ He goes out humbly. ]

MAZZINI Will it be safe to have him in the house like that?

GUINNESS Why didn’t you shoot him, sir? If I’d known who he was, I’d have shot him myself. [ She goes out. ]

MRS HUSHABYE Do sit down, everybody. [She sits down on the sofa ] .

They all move except ELLIE. MAZZINI resumes his seat. RANDALL sits down in the window-seat near the starboard door, again making a pendulum of his poker, and studying it as Galileo might have done. HECTOR sits on his left, in the middle. MANGAN, forgotten, sits in the port corner. LADY UTTERWORD takes the big chair. CAPTAIN SHOTOVER goes into the pantry in deep abstraction. They all look after him: and LADY UTTERWORD coughs consciously.

MRS HUSHABYE So Billy Dunn was poor nurse’s little romance. I knew there had been somebody.

RANDALL They will fight their battles over again and enjoy themselves immensely.

LADY UTTERWORD [ irritably ] You are not married; and you know nothing about it, Randall. Hold your tongue.

RANDALL Tyrant!

MRS HUSHABYE Well, we have had a very exciting evening. Everything will be an anticlimax after it. We’d better all go to bed.

RANDALL Another burglar may turn up.

MAZZINI Oh, impossible! I hope not.

RANDALL Why not? There is more than one burglar in England.

MRS HUSHABYE What do you say, Alf?

MANGAN [ huffily ] Oh, I don’t matter. I’m forgotten. The burglar has put my nose out of joint. Shove me into a corner and have done with me.

MRS HUSHABYE [jumping up mischievously, and going to him] Would you like a walk on the heath, Alfred? With me?

ELLIE Go, Mr Mangan. It will do you good. Hesione will soothe you.

MRS HUSHABYE [ slipping her arm under his and pulling him upright ] Come, Alfred. There is a moon: it’s like the night in Tristan and Isolde. {70} 70 10 (p. 596) “it’s like the night in Tristan and Isolde”: In Wagner’s opera Tristan und Isolde (1859), the lovers are drawn to the night as the realm where a true and complete union can take place between them. [ She caresses his arm and draws him to the port garden door. ] ]

MANGAN [ writhing but yielding ] How you can have the face — the heart — [ he breaks down and is heard sobbing as she takes him out ] .

LADY UTTERWORD What an extraordinary way to behave! What is the matter with the man?

ELLIE [ in a strangely calm voice, staring into an imaginary distance ] His heart is breaking: that is all. [The captain appears at the pantry door, listening.] It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned: nothing matters any more. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace.

LADY UTTERWORD [ suddenly rising in a rage, to the astonishment of the rest ] How dare you?

HECTOR Good heavens! What’s the matter?

RANDALL [ in a warning whisper ] Tch — tch — tch! Steady.

ELLIE [ surprised and haughty ] I was not addressing you particularly, Lady Utterword. And I am not accustomed to being asked how dare I.

LADY UTTERWORD Of course not. Anyone can see how badly you have been brought up.

MAZZINI Oh, I hope not, Lady Utterword. Really!

LADY UTTERWORD I know very well what you meant. The impudence!

ELLIE What on earth do you mean?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ advancing to the table ] She means that her heart will not break. She has been longing all her life for someone to break it. At last she has become afraid she has none to break.

LADY UTTERWORD [ flinging herself on her knees and throwing her arms round him ] Papa, don’t say you think I’ve no heart.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [raising her with grim tenderness] If you had no heart how could you want to have it broken, child?

HECTOR [ rising with a bound ] Lady Utterword, you are not to be trusted. You have made a scene [ he runs out into the garden through the starboard door ] .

LADY UTTERWORD Oh! Hector, Hector! [she runs out after him ] .

RANDALL Only nerves, I assure you. [ He rises and follows her, waving the poker in his agitation. ] Ariadne! Ariadne! For God’s sake, be careful. You will — [ he is gone ] .

MAZZINI [ rising ] How distressing! Can I do anything, I wonder?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ promptly taking his chair and setting to work at the drawing-board ] No. Go to bed. Good-night.

MAZZINI [bewildered] Oh! Perhaps you are right.

ELLIE Good-night, dearest. [ She kisses him. ]

MAZZINI Good-night, love. [ He makes for the door, but turns aside to the bookshelves. ] I’ll just take a book [he takes one]. Good-night. [ He goes out, leaving ELLIE alone with the captain. ]

The captain is intent on his drawing. ELLIE, standing sentry over his chair, contemplates him for a moment.

ELLIE Does nothing ever disturb you, Captain Shotover?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER I’ve stood on the bridge for eighteen hours in a typhoon. Life here is stormier; but I can stand it.

ELLIE Do you think I ought to marry Mr Mangan?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [never looking up] One rock is as good as another to be wrecked on.

ELLIE I am not in love with him.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Who said you were?

ELLIE You are not surprised?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Surprised! At my age!

ELLIE It seems to me quite fair. He wants me for one thing: I want him for another.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Money?

ELLIE Yes.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Well, one turns the cheek: the other kisses it. One provides the cash: the other spends it.

ELLIE Who will have the best of the bargain, I wonder?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You. These fellows live in an office all day. You will have to put up with him from dinner to breakfast; but you will both be asleep most of that time. All day you will be quit of him; and you will be shopping with his money. If that is too much for you, marry a seafaring man: you will be bothered with him only three weeks in the year, perhaps.

ELLIE That would be best of all, I suppose.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER It’s a dangerous thing to be married right up to the hilt, like my daughter’s husband. The man is at home all day, like a damned soul in hell.

ELLIE I never thought of that before.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER If you’re marrying for business, you can’t be too businesslike.

ELLIE Why do women always want other women’s husbands?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Why do horse-thieves prefer a horse that is broken-in to one that is wild?

ELLIE [ with a short laugh ] I suppose so. What a vile world it is!

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER It doesn’t concern me. I’m nearly out of it.

ELLIE And I’m only just beginning.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Yes; so look ahead.

ELLIE Well, I think I am being very prudent.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER I didn’t say prudent. I said look ahead.

ELLIE What’s the difference?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER It’s prudent to gain the whole world and lose your own soul. But don’t forget that your soul sticks to you if you stick to it; but the world has a way of slipping through your fingers.