George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

RANDALL You know quite well, Ariadne, that I have not an ounce of pettishness in my disposition. I have made myself perfectly pleasant here. I have remained absolutely cool and imperturbable in the face of a burglar. Imperturbability is almost too strong a point of mine. But [ putting his foot down with a stamp, and walking angrily up and down the room] I insist on being treated with a certain consideration. I will not allow Hushabye to take liberties with me. I will not stand your encouraging people as you do.

HECTOR The man has a rooted delusion that he is your husband.

LADY UTTERWORD I know. He is jealous. As if he had any right to be! He compromises me everywhere. He makes scenes all over the place. Randall: I will not allow it. I simply will not allow it. You had no right to discuss me with Hector. I will not be discussed by men.

HECTOR Be reasonable, Ariadne. Your fatal gift of beauty forces men to discuss you.

LADY UTTERWORD Oh indeed! what about your fatal gift of beauty?

HECTOR How can I help it?

LADY UTTERWORD You could cut off your moustache: I can’t cut off my nose. I get my whole life messed up with people falling in love with me. And then Randall says I run after men.

RANDALL I —

LADY UTTERWORD Yes you do: you said it just now. Why can’t you think of something else than women? Napoleon was quite right when he said that women are the occupation of the idle man. Well, if ever there was an idle man on earth, his name is Randall Utterword.

RANDALL Ariad —

LADY UTTERWORD [ overwhelming him with a torrent of words] Oh yes you are: it’s no use denying it. What have you ever done? What good are you? You are as much trouble in the house as a child of three. You couldn’t live without your valet.

RANDALL This is —

LADY UTTERWORD Laziness! You are laziness incarnate. You are selfishness itself. You are the most uninteresting man on earth. You can’t even gossip about anything but yourself and your grievances and your ailments and the people who have offended you. [Turning to HECTOR.] Do you know what they call him, Hector?

LADY UTTERWORD Randall the Rotter: that is his name in good society.

RANDALL [ shouting ] I’ll not bear it, I tell you. Will you listen to me, you infernal — [he chokes].

LADY UTTERWORD Well: go on. What were you going to call me? An infernal what? Which unpleasant animal is it to be this time?

RANDALL [ foaming ] There is no animal in the world so hateful as a woman can be. You are a maddening devil. Hushabye, you will not believe me when I tell you that I have loved this demon all my life; but God knows I have paid for it [he sits down in the draughtsman’s chair, weeping ] .

LADY UTTERWORD [standing over him with triumphant contempt] Cry-baby!

HECTOR [gravely, coming to him ] My friend, the Shotover sisters have two strange powers over men. They can make them love; and they can make them cry. Thank your stars that you are not married to one of them.

LADY UTTERWORD [ haughtily ] And pray, Hector —

HECTOR [ suddenly catching her round the shoulders: swinging her right round him and away from RANDALL: and gripping her throat with the other hand] Ariadne, if you attempt to start on me, I’ll choke you: do you hear? The cat-and-mouse game with the other sex is a good game; but I can play your head off at it. [He throws her, not at all gently, into the big chair, and proceeds, less fiercely but firmly.] It is true that Napoleon said that woman is the occupation of the idle man. But he added that she is the relaxation of the warrior. Well, I am the warrior. So take care.

LADY UTTERWORD [not in the least put out, and rather pleased by his violence] My dear Hector, I have only done what you asked me to do.

HECTOR How do you make that out, pray?

LADY UTTERWORD You called me in to manage Randall, didn’t you? You said you couldn’t manage him yourself.

HECTOR Well, what if I did? I did not ask you to drive the man mad.

LADY UTTERWORD He isn’t mad. That’s the way to manage him. If you were a mother, you’d understand.

HECTOR Mother! What are you up to now?

LADY UTTERWORD Its quite simple. When the children got nerves and were naughty, I smacked them just enough to give them a good cry and a healthy nervous shock. They went to sleep and were quite good afterwards. Well, I can’t smack Randall: he is too big; so when he gets nerves and is naughty, I just rag him till he cries. He will be all right now. Look: he is half asleep already [ which is quite true].

RANDALL [ waking up indignantly] I’m not. You are most cruel, Ariadne. [ Sentimentally. ] But I suppose I must forgive you, as usual [he checks himself in the act of yawning ] .

LADY UTTERWORD [to HECTOR ] Is the explanation satisfactory, dread warrior?

HECTOR Some day I shall kill you, if you go too far. I thought you were a fool.

LADY UTTERWORD [ laughing ] Everybody does, at first. But I am not such a fool as I look. [She rises complacently. ] Now, Randall, go to bed. You will be a good boy in the morning.

RANDALL [only very faintly rebellious] I’ll go to bed when I like. It isn’t ten yet.

LADY UTTERWORD It is long past ten. See that he goes to bed at once, Hector. [She goes into the garden .]

HECTOR Is there any slavery on earth viler than this slavery of men to women?

RANDALL [rising resolutely] I’ll not speak to her tomorrow. I’ll not speak to her for another week. I’ll give her such a lesson. I’ll go straight to bed without bidding her good-night. [He makes for the door leading to the hall. ]

HECTOR You are under a spell, man. Old Shotover sold himself to the devil in Zanzibar. The devil gave him a black witch for a wife; and these two demon daughters are their mystical progeny. I am tied to Hesione’s apron-string; but I’m her husband; and if I did go stark staring mad about her, at least we became man and wife. But why should you let yourself be dragged about and beaten by Ariadne as a toy donkey is dragged about and beaten by a child? What do you get by it? Are you her lover?

RANDALL You must not misunderstand me. In a higher sense — in a Platonic sense —

HECTOR Psha! Platonic sense! She makes you her servant; and when pay-day comes round, she bilks you: that is what you mean.

RANDALL [ feebly ] Well, if I don’t mind, I don’t see what business it is of yours. Besides, I tell you I am going to punish her. You shall see: I know how to deal with women. I’m really very sleepy. Say good-night to Mrs Hushabye for me, will you, like a good chap. Good-night. [He hurries out. ]

HECTOR Poor wretch! Oh women! women! women! [He lifts his fists in invocation to heaven. ] Fall. Fall and crush. {71} 71 11 (p. 611) “Fall and crush”: Hector echoes Albany’s line, “Fall, and cease” in the last scene of Shakespeare’s King Lear. As Albany sees the ancient Lear carrying in Cordelia’s murdered body, he expresses his sense that the world should collapse and end in the face of such evil. Likewise, through Hector’s sense of futility here, Shaw is expressing his own anger at the carnage and stupidity of a world gone war-mad between 1914 and 1918. [He goes out into the garden. ]