George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

MANGAN Anyhow, you don’t want to marry me now, do you?

ELLIE [ very calmly ] Oh, I think so. Why not?

MANGAN [ rising aghast ] Why not!

ELLIE I don’t see why we shouldn’t get on very well together.

MANGAN Well, but look here, you know — [ he stops, quite at a loss ].

ELLIE [ patiently ] Well?

MANGAN Well, I thought you were rather particular about people’s characters.

ELLIE If we women were particular about men’s characters, we should never get married at all, Mr Mangan.

MANGAN A child like you talking of “we women”! What next! You’re not in earnest?

ELLIE Yes, I am. Aren’t you?

MANGAN You mean to hold me to it?

ELLIE Do you wish to back out of it?

MANGAN Oh, no. Not exactly back out of it.

ELLIE Well?

He has nothing to say. With a long whispered whistle, he drops into the wicker chair and stares before him like a beggared gambler. But a cunning look soon comes into his face. He leans over towards her on his right elbow, and speaks in a low steady voice.

MANGAN Suppose I told you I was in love with another woman!

ELLIE [ echoing him ] Suppose I told you I was in love with another man!

MANGAN [ bouncing angrily out of his chair ] I’m not joking.

ELLIE Who told you I was?

MANGAN I tell you I’m serious.You’re too young to be serious; but you’ll have to believe me. I want to be near your friend Mrs Hushabye. I’m in love with her. Now the murder’s out.

ELLIE I want to be near your friend Mr Hushabye. I’m in love with him. [ She rises and adds with a frank air ] Now we are in one another’s confidence, we shall be real friends. Thank you for telling me.

MANGAN [ almost beside himself ] Do you think I’ll be made a convenience of like this?

ELLIE Come, Mr Mangan! you made a business convenience of my father. Well, a woman’s business is marriage. Why shouldn’t I make a domestic convenience of you?

MANGAN Because I don’t choose, see? Because I’m not a silly gull like your father. That’s why.

ELLIE [with serene contempt] You are not good enough to clean my father’s boots, Mr Mangan; and I am paying you a great compliment in condescending to make a convenience of you, as you call it. Of course you are free to throw over our engagement if you like; but, if you do, you’ll never enter Hesione’ s house again: I will take care of that.

MANGAN [gasping] You little devil, you’ve done me. [On the point of collapsing into the big chair again he recovers himself. ] Wait a bit, though: you’re not so cute as you think. You can’t beat Boss Mangan as easy as that. Suppose I go straight to Mrs Hushabye and tell her that you’re in love with her husband.

ELLIE She knows it.

MANGAN You told her!!!

ELLIE She told me.

MANGAN [ clutching at his bursting temples] Oh, this is a crazy house. Or else I’m going clean off my chump. Is she making a swop with you — she to have your husband and you to have hers?

ELLIE Well, you don’t want us both, do you?

MANGAN [throwing himself into the chair distractedly] My brain won’t stand it. My head’s going to split. Help! Help me to hold it. Quick: hold it: squeeze it. Save me. [ELLIE comes behind his chair; clasps his head hard for a moment; then begins to draw her hands from his forehead back to his ears. ] Thank you. [ Drowsily. ] That’s very refreshing. [ Waking a little. ] Don’t you hypnotize me, though. I’ve seen men made fools of by hypnotism.

ELLIE [steadily] Be quiet. I’ve seen men made fools of without hypnotism.

MANGAN [ humbly ] You don’t dislike touching me, I hope. You never touched me before, I noticed.

ELLIE Not since you fell in love naturally with a grown-up nice woman, who will never expect you to make love to her. And I will never expect him to make love to me.

MANGAN He may, though.

ELLIE [ making her passes rhythmically ] Hush. Go to sleep. Do you hear?You are to go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep; be quiet, deeply deeply quiet; sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

He falls asleep. ELLIE steals away; turns the light out; and goes into the garden.

NURSE GUINNESS opens the door and is seen in the light which comes in from the hall.

GUINNESS [speaking to someone outside ] Mr Mangan’s not here, duckie: there’s no one here. It’s all dark.

MRS HUSHABYE [ without ] Try the garden. Mr Dunn and I will be in my boudoir. Show him the way.

GUINNESS Yes, ducky. [ She makes for the garden door in the dark; stumbles over the sleeping MANGAN and screams. ] Ahoo! O Lord, sir! I beg your pardon, I’m sure: I didn’t see you in the dark. Who is it? [She goes back to the door and turns on the light. ] Oh, Mr Mangan, sir, I hope I haven’t hurt you plumping into your lap like that. [Coming to him.] I was looking for you, sir. Mrs Hushabye says will you please — [ noticing that he remains quite insensible]. Oh, my good Lord, I hope I haven’t killed him. Sir! Mr Mangan! Sir! [She shakes him; and he is rolling inertly off the chair on the floor when she holds him up and props him against the cushion.] Miss Hessy! Miss Hessy! Quick, doty darling. Miss Hessy! [ MRS HUSHABYE comes in from the hall, followed by MAZZINI DUNN. ] Oh, Miss Hessy, I’ve been and killed him. MAZZINI runs round the back of the chair to MANGAN’s right hand, and sees that the nurse’s words are apparently only too true.

MAZZINI What tempted you to commit such a crime, woman?

MRS HUSHABYE [ trying not to laugh ] Do you mean you did it on purpose?

GUINNESS Now is it likely I’d kill any man on purpose? I fell over him in the dark; and I’m a pretty tidy weight. He never spoke nor moved until I shook him; and then he would have dropped dead on the floor. Isn’t it tiresome?

MRS HUSHABYE [ going past the nurse to MANGAN’s side, and inspecting him less credulously than MAZZINI ] Nonsense! he is not dead: he is only asleep. I can see him breathing.

GUINNESS But why won’t he wake?

MAZZINI [ speaking very politely into MANGAN’s ear ] Mangan! My dear Mangan! [he blows into MANGAN’s ear ] .

MRS HUSHABYE That’s no good [she shakes him vigorously ]. Mr Mangan, wake up. Do you hear? [He begins to roll over.] Oh! Nurse, nurse: he’s falling: help me.

NURSE GUINNESS rushes to the rescue. With MAZZINI’s assistance, MANGAN is propped safely up again.

GUINNESS [behind the chair; bending over to test the case with her nose] Would he be drunk, do you think, pet?

MRS HUSHABYE Had he any of papa’s rum?

MAZZINI It can’t be that: he is most abstemious. I am afraid he drank too much formerly, and has to drink too little now. You know, Mrs Hushabye, I really think he has been hypnotized.

GUINNESS Hip no what, sir?

MAZZINI One evening at home, after we had seen a hypnotizing performance, the children began playing at it; and Ellie stroked my head. I assure you I went off dead asleep; and they had to send for a professional to wake me up after I had slept eighteen hours. They had to carry me upstairs; and as the poor children were not very strong, they let me slip; and I rolled right down the whole flight and never woke up. [MRS HUSHABYE splutters.] Oh, you may laugh, Mrs Hushabye; but I might have been killed.

MRS HUSHABYE I couldn’t have helped laughing even if you had been, Mr Dunn. So Ellie has hypnotized him. What fun!

MAZZINI Oh no, no, no. It was such a terrible lesson to her: nothing would induce her to try such a thing again.