George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER I will make a dynamite that he cannot explode.

HECTOR And that you can, eh?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Yes: when I have attained the seventh degree of concentration.

HECTOR What’s the use of that? You never do attain it.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER What then is to be done? Are we to be kept forever in the mud by these hogs to whom the universe is nothing but a machine for greasing their bristles and filling their snouts?

HECTOR Are Mangan’s bristles worse than Randall’s love-locks? [307] Long locks of hair variously arranged, worn especially by men in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER We must win powers of life and death over them both. I refuse to die until I have invented the means.

HECTOR Who are we that we should judge them?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER What are they that they should judge us? Yet they do, unhesitatingly. There is enmity between our seed and their seed. They know it and act on it, strangling our souls. They believe in themselves. When we believe in ourselves, we shall kill them.

HECTOR It is the same seed.You forget that your pirate has a very nice daughter. Mangan’s son may be a Plato: Randall’s a Shelley. What was my father?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER The damndest scoundrel I ever met. [ He replaces the drawing-board: sits down at the table; and begins to mix a wash of color. ]

HECTOR Precisely. Well, dare you kill his innocent grand-children?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER They are mine also.

HECTOR Just so. We are members one of another. [ He throws himself carelessly on the sofa. ] I I tell you I have often thought of this killing of human vermin. Many men have thought of it. Decent men are like Daniel in the lion’s den: their survival is a miracle; and they do not always survive. We live among the Mangans and Randalls and Billie Dunns as they, poor devils, live among the disease germs and the doctors and the lawyers and the parsons and the restaurant chefs and the tradesmen and the servants and all the rest of the parasites and blackmailers. What are our terrors to theirs? Give me the power to kill them; and I’ll spare them in sheer —

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ cutting in sharply ] Fellow feeling?

HECTOR No. I should kill myself if I believed that. I must believe that my spark, small as it is, is divine, and that the red light over their door is hell fire. I should spare them in simple magnanimous pity.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You can’t spare them until you have the power to kill them. At present they have the power to kill you. There are millions of blacks over the water for them to train and let loose on us. They’re going to do it. They’re doing it already.

HECTOR They are too stupid to use their power. CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ throwing down his brush and coming to the end of the sofa ] Do not deceive yourself: they do use it. We kill the better half of ourselves every day to propitiate them. The knowledge that these people are there to render all our aspirations barren prevents us having the aspirations. And when we are tempted to seek their destruction they bring forth demons to delude us, disguised as pretty daughters, and singers and poets and the like, for whose sake we spare them.

HECTOR [ sitting up and leaning towards him ] May not Hesione be such a demon, brought forth by you lest I should slay you? CAPTAIN SHOTOVER That is possible. She has used you up, and left you nothing but dreams, as some women do. HECTOR Vampire women, demon women.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Men think the world well lost for them, and lose it accordingly. Who are the men that do things? The husbands of the shrew and of the drunkard, the men with the thorn in the flesh. [ Walking distractedly away towards the pantry. ] I must think these things out. [ Turning suddenly .] But I go on with the dynamite none the less. I will discover a ray mightier than any X-ray: a mind ray that will explode the ammunition in the belt of my adversary before he can point his gun at me. And I must hurry. I am old: I have no time to waste in talk [ he is about to go into the pantry, and HECTOR is making for the hall, when HESIONE comes back ] .

MRS HUSHABYE Daddiest, you and Hector must come and help me to entertain all these people. What on earth were you shouting about?

HECTOR [ stopping in the act of turning the door handle ] He is madder than usual.

MRS HUSHABYE We all are.

HECTOR I must change [he resumes his door opening].

MRS HUSHABYE Stop, stop. Come back, both of you. Come back. [ They return, reluctantly. ] Money is running short.

HECTOR Money! Where are my April dividends?

MRS HUSHABYE Where is the snow that fell last year?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Where is all the money you had for that patent lifeboat I invented?

MRS HUSHABYE Five hundred pounds; and I have made it last since Easter!

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Since Easter! Barely four months! Monstrous extravagance! I could live for seven years on £500.

MRS HUSHABYE Not keeping open house as we do here, daddiest.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Only £500 for that lifeboat! I got twelve thousand for the invention before that.

MRS HUSHABYE Yes, dear; but that was for the ship with the magnetic keel that sucked up submarines. Living at the rate we do, you cannot afford life-saving inventions. Can’t you think of something that will murder half Europe at one bang?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER No. I am ageing fast. My mind does not dwell on slaughter as it did when I was a boy. Why doesn’t your husband invent something? He does nothing but tell lies to women.

HECTOR Well, that is a form of invention, is it not? However, you are right: I ought to support my wife.

MRS HUSHABYE Indeed you shall do nothing of the sort: I should never see you from breakfast to dinner. I want my husband.

HECTOR [ bitterly ] I might as well be your lapdog.

MRS HUSHABYE Do you want to be my breadwinner, like the other poor husbands?

HECTOR No, by thunder! What a damned creature a husband is anyhow!

MRS HUSHABYE [ to the captain ] What about that harpoon cannon?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER No use. It kills whales, not men.

MRS HUSHABYE Why not?You fire the harpoon out of a cannon, it sticks in the enemy’s general; you wind him in; and there you are.

HECTOR You are your father’s daughter, Hesione.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER There is something in it. Not to wind in generals: they are not dangerous. But one could fire a grapnel and wind in a machine gun or even a tank. I will think it out.

MRS HUSHABYE [ squeezing the captain’s arm affectionately ] Saved! You are a darling, daddiest. Now we must go back to these dreadful people and entertain them.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER They have had no dinner. Don’t forget that.

HECTOR Neither have I. And it is dark: it must be all hours.

MRS HUSHABYE Oh, Guinness will produce some sort of dinner for them. The servants always take jolly good care that there is food in the house.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ raising a strange wail in the darkness ] What a house! What a daughter!

MRS HUSHABYE [raving] What a father!

HECTOR [ following suit ] What a husband!

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Is there no thunder in heaven?

HECTOR Is there no beauty, no bravery, on earth?

MRS HUSHABYE What do men want? They have their food, their firesides, their clothes mended, and our love at the end of the day. Why are they not satisfied? Why do they envy us the pain with which we bring them into the world, and make strange dangers and torments for themselves to be even with us?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ weirdly chanting ]

I builded a house for my daughters, and opened the doors thereof,

That men might come for their choosing, and their betters spring from their love;