George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

HECTOR [ following her ] Not this one: I’ll tell it to you after dinner. I think you’ll like it. The truth is I made it up for you, and was looking forward to the pleasure of telling it to you. But in a moment of impatience at being turned out of the room, I threw it away on your father.

ELLIE [ turning at bay with her back to the carpenter’s bench, scornfully self-possessed ] It was not thrown away. He believes it. I should not have believed it.

MAZZINI [ benevolently ] Ellie is very naughty, Mr Hushabye. Of course she does not really think that. [ He goes to the bookshelves, and inspects the titles of the volumes. ]

BOSS MANGAN comes in from the hall, followed by the captain. MANGAN, carefully frock-coated as for church or for a directors’ meeting, is about fifty-five, with a care-worn, mistrustful expression, standing a little on an entirely imaginary dignity, with a dull complexion, straight, lustreless hair, and features so entirely commonplace that it is impossible to describe them.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ to MRS HUSHABYE, introducing the newcomer ] Says his name is Mangan. Not able-bodied.

MRS HUSHABYE [ graciously ] How do you do, Mr Mangan?

MANGAN [ shaking hands ] Very pleased.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Dunn’s lost his muscle, but recovered his nerve. Men seldom do after three attacks of delirium tremens [ he goes into the pantry ].

MRS HUSHABYE I congratulate you, Mr Dunn.

MAZZINI [ dazed ] I am a lifelong teetotaler.

MRS HUSHABYE You will find it far less trouble to let papa have his own way than try to explain.

MAZZINI But three attacks of delirium tremens, really!

MRS HUSHABYE [ to MANGAN ] Do you know my husband, Mr Mangan [ she indicates HECTOR ] .

MANGAN [ going to HECTOR, who meets him with outstretched hand ] Very pleased. [ Turning to ELLIE. ] I hope, Miss Ellie, you have not found the journey down too fatiguing. [They shake hands.]

MRS HUSHABYE Hector, show Mr Dunn his room.

HECTOR Certainly. Come along, Mr Dunn. [ He takes MAZZINI out. ]

ELLIE You haven’t shown me my room yet, Hesione.

MRS HUSHABYE How stupid of me! Come along. Make yourself quite at home, Mr Mangan. Papa will entertain you. [ She calls to the captain in the pantry.] Papa, come and explain the house to Mr Mangan.

She goes out with ELLIE. The captain comes from the pantry.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You’re going to marry Dunn’s daughter. Don’t. You’re too old.

MANGAN [ staggered ] Well! That’s fairly blunt, Captain.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER It’s true.

MANGAN She doesn’t think so.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER She does.

MANGAN Older men than I have —

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ finishing the sentence for him] — made fools of themselves. That, also, is true.

MANGAN [ asserting himself ] I don’t see that this is any business of yours.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER It is everybody’s business. The stars in their courses are shaken when such things happen.

MANGAN I’m going to marry her all the same.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER How do you know?

MANGAN [ playing the strong man ] I intend to. I mean to. See? I never made up my mind to do a thing yet that I didn’t bring it off. That’s the sort of man I am; and there will be a better understanding between us when you make up your mind to that, Captain.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You frequent picture palaces.

MANGAN Perhaps I do. Who told you?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Talk like a man, not like a movy.You mean that you make a hundred thousand a year.

MANGAN I don’t boast. But when I meet a man that makes a hundred thousand a year, I take off my hat to that man, and stretch out my hand to him and call him brother.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Then you also make a hundred thousand a year, hey?

MANGAN No. I can’t say that. Fifty thousand, perhaps.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER His half brother only [he turns away from MANGAN with his usual abruptness, and collects the empty tea-cups on the Chinese tray].

MANGAN [ irritated ] See here, Captain Shotover. I don’t quite understand my position here. I came here on your daughter’s invitation. Am I in her house or in yours?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You are beneath the dome of heaven, in the house of God. What is true within these walls is true outside them. Go out on the seas; climb the mountains; wander through the valleys. She is still too young.

MANGAN [ weakening ] But I’m very little over fifty.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER You are still less under sixty. Boss Mangan, you will not marry the pirate’s child [ he carries the tray away into the pantry].

MANGAN [ following him to the half door ] What pirate’s child? What are you talking about?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [in the pantry] Ellie Dunn. You will not marry her.

MANGAN Who will stop me?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ emerging ] My daughter [ he makes for the door leading to the hall].

MANGAN [ followins him ] Mrs Hushabye! Do you mean to say she brought me down here to break it off?

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ stopping and turning on him ] I know nothing more than I have seen in her eye. She will break it off. Take my advice: marry a West Indian negress: they make excellent wives. I was married to one myself for two years.

MANGAN Well, I am damned!

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER I thought so. I was, too, for many years. The negress redeemed me.

MANGAN [ feebly ] This is queer. I ought to walk out of this house.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Why?

MANGAN Well, many men would be offended by your style of talking.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Nonsense! It’s the other sort of talking that makes quarrels. Nobody ever quarrels with me.

A gentleman, whose first-rate tailoring and frictionless manners proclaim the wellbred West Ender, comes in from the hall. He has an engaging air of being young and unmarried, but on close inspection is found to be at least over forty.

THE GENTLEMAN Excuse my intruding in this fashion, but there is no knocker on the door and the bell does not seem to ring.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Why should there be a knocker? Why should the bell ring? The door is open.

THE GENTLEMAN Precisely. So I ventured to come in.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Quite right. I will see about a room for you [ he makes for the door ].

THE GENTLEMAN [stopping him] But I’m afraid you don’t know who I am.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Do you suppose that at my age I make distinctions between one fellowcreature and another? [ He goes out. MANGAN and the newcomer stare at one another. ]

MANGAN Strange character, Captain Shotover, sir.

THE GENTLEMAN Very.

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [ shouting outside ] Hesione, another person has arrived and wants a room. Man about town, well dressed, fifty.

THE GENTLEMAN Fancy Hesione’s feelings! May I ask are you a member of the family?

MANGAN No.

THE GENTLEMAN I am. At least a connection.

MRS HUSHABYE comes back.

MRS HUSHABYE How do you do? How good of you to come!

THE GENTLEMAN I am very glad indeed to make your acquaintance, Hesione. [ Instead of taking her hand he kisses her. At the same moment the captain appears in the doorway. ] You will excuse my kissing your daughter, Captain, when I tell you that —

CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Stuff! Everyone kisses my daughter. Kiss her as much as you like [ he makes for the pantry ] .

THE GENTLEMAN Thank you. One moment, Captain. [The captain halts and turns. The gentleman goes to him affably. ] Do you happen to remember — but probably you don‘t, as it occurred many years ago — that your younger daughter married a numskull?