George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

MRS HUSHABYE What on earth was he doing in the chest? Did he get into it because he was afraid of the lightning?

ELLIE Oh, no, no: he was a baby. The name Marcus Darnley was embroidered on his baby clothes. And five hundred pounds in gold.

MRS HUSHABYE [ looking hard at her ] Ellie!

ELLIE The garden of the Viscount —

MRS HUSHABYE — de Rougemont? [303] Louis de Rougemont is the assumed name of nineteenth-century Swiss adventurer Louis Grin (1847- 1921), who wrote sensational, often bogus, accounts of his adventures; Hesione implies that “Marcus Darnley” (her husband’s pseudonym) is a liar.

ELLIE [ innocently ] No: de Larochejaquelin. A French family. A vicomte. His life has been one long romance. A tiger —

MRS HUSHABYE Slain by his own hand?

ELLIE Oh, no: nothing vulgar like that. He saved the life of the tiger from a hunting party: one of King Edward’s hunting parties in India. The King was furious: that was why he never had his military services properly recognized. But he doesn’t care. He is a Socialist and despises rank, and has been in three revolutions fighting on the barricades.

MRS HUSHABYE How can you sit there telling me such lies? You, Ellie, of all people! And I thought you were a perfectly simple, straightforward, good girl.

ELLIE [ rising, dignified but very angry ] Do you mean to say you don’t believe me?

MRS HUSHABYE Of course I don’t believe you. You’re inventing every word of it. Do you take me for a fool?

ELLIE stares at her. Her candor is so obvious that MRS HUSHABYE is puzzled.

ELLIE Goodbye, Hesione. I’m very sorry. I see now that it sounds very improbable as I tell it. But I can’t stay if you think that way about me.

MRS HUSHABYE [ catching her dress ] You shan’t go. I couldn’t be so mistaken: I know too well what liars are like. Somebody has really told you all this.

ELLIE [ flushing ] Hesione, don’t say that you don’t believe him. I couldn’t bear that.

MRS HUSHABYE [ soothing her ] Of course I believe him, dearest. But you should have broken it to me by degrees. [ Drawing her back to her seat .] Now tell me all about him. Are you in love with him?

ELLIE Oh, no. I’m not so foolish. I don’t fall in love with people. I’m not so silly as you think.

MRS HUSHABYE I see. Only something to think about — to give some interest and pleasure to life.

ELLIE Just so. That’s all, really.

MRS HUSHABYE It makes the hours go fast, doesn’t it? No tedious waiting to go to sleep at nights and wondering whether you will have a bad night. How delightful it makes waking up in the morning! How much better than the happiest dream! All life transfigured! No more wishing one had an interesting book to read, because life is so much happier than any book! No desire but to be alone and not to have to talk to anyone: to be alone and just think about it.

ELLIE [ embracing her ] Hesione, you are a witch. How do you know? Oh, you are the most sympathetic woman in the world!

MRS HUSHABYE [ caressing her ] Pettikins, my pettikins, how I envy you! and how I pity you!

ELLIE Pity me! Oh, why?

A very handsome man of fifty, with mousquetaire moustaches, wearing a rather dandified curly brimmed hat, and carrying an elaborate walking-stick, comes into the room from the hall, and stops short at sight of the women on the sofa.

ELLIE [seeing him and rising in glad surprise ] Oh! Hesione: this is Mr Marcus Darnley.

MRS HUSHABYE [ rising ] What a lark! He is my husband.

ELLIE But now — [ she stops suddenly: then turns pale and sways ] .

MRS HUSHABYE [ catching her and sitting down with her on the sofa ] Steady, my pettikins.

THE MAN [ with a mixture of confusion and effrontery, depositing his hat and stick on the teak table ] My real name, Miss Dunn, is Hector Hushabye. I leave you to judge whether that is a name any sensitive man would care to confess so. I never use it when I can possibly help it. I have been away for nearly a month; and I had no idea you knew my wife, or that you were coming here. I am none the less delighted to find you in our little house.

ELLIE [ in great distress ] I don’t know what to do. Please, may I speak to papa? Do leave me. I can’t bear it.

MRS HUSHABYE Be off, Hector.

HECTOR I —

MRS HUSHABYE Quick, quick. Get out.

HECTOR If you think it better — [ he goes out, taking his hat with him but leaving the stick on the table ] .

MRS HUSHABYE [ laying ELLIE down at the end of the sofa ] Now, pettikins, he is gone. There’s nobody but me. You can let yourself go. Don’t try to control yourself. Have a good cry.

ELLIE [ raising her head ] Damn!

MRS HUSHABYE Splendid! Oh, what a relief! I thought you were going to be broken-hearted. Never mind me. Damn him again.

ELLIE I am not damning him. I am damning myself for being such a fool. [ Rising .] How could I let myself be taken in so? [ She begins prowling to and fro, her bloom gone, looking curiously older and harder. ]

MRS HUSHABYE [ cheerfully ] Why not, pettikins? Very few young women can resist Hector. I couldn’t when I was your age. He is really rather splendid, you know.

ELLIE [ turning on her ] Splendid! Yes, splendid looking, of course. But how can you love a liar?

MRS HUSHABYE I don’t know. But you can, fortunately. Otherwise there wouldn’t be much love in the world.

ELLIE But to lie like that! To be a boaster! a coward!

MRS HUSHABYE [ rising in alarm ] Pettikins, none of that, if you please. If you hint the slightest doubt of Hector’s courage, he will go straight off and do the most horribly dangerous things to convince himself that he isn’t a coward. He has a dreadful trick of getting out of one third-floor window and coming in at another, just to test his nerve. He has a whole drawerful of Albert Medals [304] Awards, named for Prince Albert (1819-1861, husband of Queen Victoria), for altruistic rescues from injury or death. for saving people’s lives.

ELLIE He never told me that.

MRS HUSHABYE He never boasts of anything he really did: he can’t bear it; and it makes him shy if anyone else does. All his stories are made-up stories.

ELLIE [ coming to her ] Do you mean that he is really brave, and really has adventures, and yet tells lies about things that he never did and that never happened?

MRS HUSHABYE Yes, pettikins, I do. People don’t have their virtues and vices in sets: they have them anyhow: all mixed.

ELLIE [ staring at her thoughtfully ] There’s something odd about this house, Hesione, and even about you. I don’t know why I’m talking to you so calmly. I have a horrible fear that my heart is broken, but that heartbreak is not like what I thought it must be.

MRS HUSHABYE [ fondling her ] It’s only life educating you, pettikins. How do you feel about Boss Mangan now?

ELLIE [ disengaging herself with an expression of distaste ] Oh, how can you remind me of him, Hesione?

MRS HUSHABYE Sorry, dear. I think I hear Hector coming back. You don’t mind now, do you, dear?

ELLIE Not in the least. I am quite cured.

MAZZINI DUNN and HECTOR come in from the hall.

HECTOR [ as he opens the door and allows MAZZINI to pass in ] One second more, and she would have been a dead woman!

MAZZINI Dear! dear! what an escape! Ellie, my love, Mr Hushabye has just been telling me the most extraordinary —

ELLIE Yes, I’ve heard it [she crosses to the other side of the room].