George Bernard Shaw - Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

MRS HUSHABYE What do you want to be kissed for?

LADY UTTERWORD I don’t want to be kissed; but I do want you to behave properly and decently. We are sisters. We have been separated for twenty-three years. You ought to kiss me.

MRS HUSHABYE To-morrow morning, dear, before you make up. I hate the smell of powder.

LADY UTTERWOOD Oh! you unfeeling — [ she is interrupted by the return of the captain ] .

THE CAPTAIN [ to ELLIE ] Your room is ready. [ ELLIE rises. ] The sheets were damp; but I have changed them [ he makes for the garden door on the port side ] .

LADY UTTERWORD Oh! What about my sheets?

THE CAPTAIN [ halting at the door ] Take my advice: air them: or take them off and sleep in blankets. You shall sleep in Ariadne’s old room.

LADY UTTERWORD Indeed I shall do nothing of the sort. That little hole! I am entitled to the best spare room.

THE CAPTAIN [ continuing unmoved ] She married a numskull. She told me she would marry anyone to get away from home.

LADY UTTERWORD You are pretending not to know me on purpose. I will leave the house.

MAZZINI DUNN enters from the hall. He is a little elderly man with bulging credulous eyes and earnest manners. He is dressed in a blue serge jacket suit with an unbuttoned mackintosh over it, and carries a soft black hat of clerical cut.

ELLIE At last! Captain Shotover, here is my father.

THE CAPTAIN This! Nonsense! not a bit like him [ he goes away through the garden, shutting the door sharply behind him ] .

LADY UTTERWORD I will not be ignored and pretended to be somebody else. I will have it out with Papa now, this instant. [ To MAZZINI. ] Excuse me. [ She follows the captain out, making a hasty bow to MAZZINI, who returns it. ]

MRS HUSHABYE [ hospitably shaking hands ] How good of you to come, Mr Dunn! You don’t mind Papa, do you? He is as mad as a hatter, you know, but quite harmless and extremely clever. You will have some delightful talks with him.

MAZZINI I hope so. [ To ELLIE. ] So here you are, Ellie, dear. [ He draws her arm affectionately through his. ] I must thank you, Mrs Hushabye, for your kindness to my daughter. I’m afraid she would have had no holiday if you had not invited her.

MRS HUSHABYE Not at all. Very nice of her to come and attract young people to the house for us.

MAZZINI [ smiling ] I’m afraid Ellie is not interested in young men, Mrs Hushabye. Her taste is on the graver, solider side.

MRS HUSHABYE [ with a sudden rather hard brightness in her manner ] Won’t you take off your overcoat, Mr Dunn? You will find a cupboard for coats and hats and things in the corner of the hall.

MAZZINI [ hastily releasing ELLIE ] Yes — thank you — I had better — [ he goes out ] .

MRS HUSHABYE [ emphatically ] The old brute!

ELLIE Who?

MRS HUSHABYE Who! Him. He. It [ pointing after MAZZINI ]. “Graver, solider tastes,” indeed!

ELLIE [ aghast ] You don’t mean that you were speaking like that of my father!

MRS HUSHABYE I was.You know I was.

ELLIE [ with dignity ] I will leave your house at once. [ She turns to the door. ]

MRS HUSHABYE If you attempt it, I’ll tell your father why.

ELLIE [ turning again ] Oh! How can you treat a visitor like this, Mrs Hushabye?

MRS HUSHABYE I thought you were going to call me Hesione.

ELLIE Certainly not now?

MRS HUSHABYE Very well: I’ll tell your father.

ELLIE [ distressed ] Oh!

MRS HUSHABYE If you turn a hair — if you take his part against me and against your own heart for a moment, I’ll give that born soldier of freedom a piece of my mind that will stand him on his selfish old head for a week.

ELLIE Hesione! My father selfish! How little you know — She is interrupted by MAZZINI, who returns, excited and perspiring.

MAZZINI Ellie, Mangan has come: I thought you’d like to know. Excuse me, Mrs Hushabye, the strange old gentleman —

MRS HUSHABYE Papa. Quite so.

MAZZINI Oh, I beg your pardon, of course: I was a little confused by his manner. He is making Mangan help him with something in the garden; and he wants me too — A powerful whistle is heard.

THE CAPTAIN’ S VOICE Bosun ahoy! [ the whistle is repeated ] .

MAZZINI [ flustered ] Oh dear! I believe he is whistling for me. [ He hurries out. ]

MRS HUSHABYE Now my father is a wonderful man if you like.

ELLIE Hesione, listen to me.You don’t understand. My father and Mr Mangan were boys together. Mr Ma —

MRS HUSHABYE I don’t care what they were: we must sit down if you are going to begin as far back as that. [ She snatches at ELLIE’s waist, and makes her sit down on the sofa beside her.] Now, pettikins, tell me all about Mr Mangan. They call him Boss Mangan, don’t they? He is a Napoleon of industry and disgustingly rich, isn’t he? Why isn’t your father rich?

ELLIE My poor father should never have been in business. His parents were poets; and they gave him the noblest ideas; but they could not afford to give him a profession.

MRS HUSHABYE Fancy your grandparents, with their eyes in fine frenzy rolling! And so your poor father had to go into business. Hasn’t he succeeded in it?

ELLIE He always used to say he could succeed if he only had some capital. He fought his way along, to keep a roof over our heads and bring us up well; but it was always a struggle: always the same difficulty of not having capital enough. I don’t know how to describe it to you.

MRS HUSHABYE Poor Ellie! I know. Pulling the devil by the tail.

ELLIE [ hurt ] Oh, no. Not like that. It was at least dignified.

MRS HUSHABYE That made it all the harder, didn’t it? I shouldn’t have pulled the devil by the tail with dignity. I should have pulled hard — [ between her teeth ] hard. Well? Go on.

ELLIE At last it seemed that all our troubles were at an end. Mr Mangan did an extraordinarily noble thing out of pure friendship for my father and respect for his character. He asked him how much capital he wanted, and gave it to him. I don’t mean that he lent it to him, or that he invested it in his business. He just simply made him a present of it. Wasn’t that splendid of him?

MRS HUSHABYE On condition that you married him?

ELLIE Oh, no, no, no! This was when I was a child. He had never even seen me: he never came to our house. It was absolutely disinterested. Pure generosity.

MRS HUSHABYE Oh! I beg the gentleman’s pardon. Well, what became of the money?

ELLIE We all got new clothes and moved into another house. And I went to another school for two years.

MRS HUSHABYE Only two years?

ELLIE That was all: for at the end of two years my father was utterly ruined.

MRS HUSHABYE How?

ELLIE I don’t know. I never could understand. But it was dreadful. When we were poor my father had never been in debt. But when he launched out into business on a large scale, he had to incur liabilities. When the business went into liquidation he owed more money than Mr Mangan had given him.

MRS HUSHABYE Bit off more than he could chew, I suppose.

ELLIE I think you are a little unfeeling about it.

MRS HUSHABYE My pettikins, you mustn’t mind my way of talking. I was quite as sensitive and particular as you once; but I have picked up so much slang from the children that I am really hardly presentable. I suppose your father had no head for business, and made a mess of it.

ELLIE Oh, that just shows how entirely you are mistaken about him. The business turned out a great success. It now pays forty-four per cent after deducting the excess profits tax.