Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

Tim, first I want you to listen to that voice, and verify that it still makes you uncomfortable… .

Tim: (looking up, and then down left and frowning) Yes, it sure does.

It looks like you get a picture first, before you hear the voice. Is that right? (Yes.) That's fine, we can still use the voice. Is this your voice or someone else's?

Tim: It's my voice.

OK, so you're talking to yourself. Where do you hear the voice? Tim: Behind my head, to the right a little.

OK. Now just let that voice go to wherever voices go when you're not listening to them, and think of four times in your life when your own voice served as a strong resource to you, perhaps commenting on a job well done, or some other satisfaction. Think of them one by one, and listen to what each one has to say, and the tonality, until you have four of them… . (Tim nods.)

Now position those four voices around your head, more or less evenly spaced, wherever seems appropriate to you — perhaps one in front, one in back, and one on either side, leaving an empty space at the back and right, where you heard that troubling voice. When you hear those four voices all talking at once, it will be harder to hear the details of what they are saying, but you can still hear the tonalities, and know the general nature of what they are saying. Let me know when that is set up, with all four voices talking at the same time, kind of like a chorus, with different parts… .

(Tim nods.) OK. Now bring that troubling voice back in to join the other four, and listen to all five voices at once. Notice if this arrangement changes your response to that voice in any way… .

Tim: It's farther away now, and not as loud. I feel better; it's easier to listen to it. I can hear some of what it's saying as useful information, while before I was just noticing my bad feelings.

OK. Great. Does anyone have any questions for Tim?

Tess: Were you able to understand what the five voices were saying when they were all talking at once?

Tim: No. I knew they were there, and I could pick out bits and pieces, and the meaning was there, but I couldn't really hear all five voices at once.

That's typical of most of us, and it's important to warn people about this, or they may worry they are doing the process wrong. A woman who was born blind

and only got her sight when she was about 30 could keep track of eight different speakers simultaneously, as if she had an eight–track tape recorder. But very few people can do that, and it's not necessary for this process to work.

Tim: When I had the four resource voices talking at once, I felt like I was sitting in a big, comfortable overstuffed easy chair, as if the voices were literally supporting me physically.

That's a nice spontaneous synesthesia; you experienced the voices as a kines–thetic feeling of support.

When all five voices are being heard simultaneously, the four resource voices provide an auditory background perspective for really hearing the problem voice, instead of just being overwhelmed by the bad feelings that it generates when it is heard alone. Some people think of this as "the four resource voices overpowering the problem voice," or some other description that presupposes conflict or competition, but that is a less useful way of understanding this process. The resource voices are not in disagreement about one event, saying "but." They are simply all speaking at the same time about different events, saying "and," which provides a more balanced perspective.

If the original troubling voice was someone else's voice, the four resource voices should also be other peoples' voices. The reason for making sure that the resource voices and the troubling voice are all either your own or someone else's is to avoid posing any possible conflict between your own views and someone else's. For instance, if the troubling voice were your own, and the resource voices were someone else's, it would be easy to think, "They may disagree with me, but I know better," or some other kind of conflict. As much as possible, we want to make changes that avoid creating any additional conflict.

Now you can do the same exercise that Tim did. Ideally you would do this with another person, so that one of you can read the directions, so the other can relax and devote all their attention to following the directions.

After one person has done the process, you can switch roles so that you can both experience the process. Many people find that it makes it much easier to attend to their inner experience if they close their eyes.

1. Choose a Voice Think of a troubling voice, and notice your feeling response to what it says… . Notice the location of the voice, and whether it's your own voice or someone else's… . Then set that voice aside temporarily.

2. Remember Voices Recall four resource voices, times when you (or someone else) commented favorably about something that you had just done. Listen to each voice in turn, noticing both the words and the tonality, and how you feel in response to hearing it. If the problem voice is another person's, the resource voices should also be someone else's; if the problem voice is your own voice, the resource voices should also be yours.

3. Arrange Voices Position these voices around your head — leaving a space for the location of the troubling voice — so that you can hear all four voices talking at once. It will be harder to hear the details when they are all talking, but you will still be able to hear the tonalities, and have a sense of the meanings.

4. Bring in the Troubling Voice Allow the troubling voice to return to its location, and listen to all five voices talking at once… .

5. Notice Your Response Notice how your response changes in either intensity or quality, or both… .

6. Test A few minutes later — or longer — you can check to find out how well the change has lasted. Simply recall the troubling voice, and notice your response again. Find out if your response is still different than it was before going through the auditory perspective process. Typically the change will last without doing anything else. Whenever you hear the troubling voice, you will again have the more comfortable feelings that you had when you first heard all five voices together.

When the change resulting from this method doesn't last, usually that indicates that some other outcome is served by continuing to be distressed by the troubling voice. For instance, being upset by the voice could be useful in getting a spouse to assist you in some way, or to avoid some unpleasant task or duty. In that case, you need to find some other way to get assistance, or some other effective behaviors to use to avoid the task. Sometimes that is as simple as learning to say, "Honey, I want some help here," or "No, I don't want to do that," instead of using your bad feelings to influence others around you.

There is nothing special about using four supportive voices; it is a nice number that works well. But you could also use three, or you could use more, and these additional choices might work better for certain people. Using three would make it easier to hear the details of the voices; hearing five or more could strengthen the chorus, even though the details of what they say would be harder to hear.

Next we will explore some additional useful ways of talking to yourself at the beginning of the day, so that you can start your day in a good state. If you start the day well, it is much easier to maintain it in the face of later unpleasant events. That is much easier than starting off badly and then having to work to improve it.