Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

That sentence directs your attention toward what you can enjoy in the present moment, rather than the complaints and problems that so often occupy our attention and make us feel bad. Even in the worst situation there is always something to enjoy, so this instruction never contradicts your reality. And it also doesn't contradict any grumpy voice that is complaining about all the nasty stuff. It doesn't oppose it by saying "but," it just directs your attention to other aspects of your experience, saying "and," joining what a critical voice might be attending to with noticing what you can enjoy. If you say that sentence repeatedly until it becomes an unconscious mantra it can reorient your life.

Contrast can often clarify and deepen your understanding of how things work. Notice what happens if you replace the word "enjoy" with "criticize," "disparage," or "be disgusted by" or some other negative word or phrase, just for a short time to notice what that is like… .

That sentence directs your attention in a very different way, and could easily result in plenty of unhappiness, or even depression. Many depressed people talk to themselves in this way without realizing it. Attending to what you don't like results in unpleasant feelings; attending to what you can enjoy results in pleasant feelings.

But there is another subtle aspect of the sentence "What else can I enjoy right now?" This becomes apparent if you delete the word "else," to get "What can I enjoy right now?" Try saying this sentence to yourself repeatedly, and notice how you feel in response, and how that is different from how you feel in response to the same sentence with "else" in it… .

The sentence "What can I enjoy right now?" has a very different effect, because it implies that you aren't enjoying anything right now — even though that is not a logical consequence of the statement. Most people will respond to this implication by feeling the opposite of enjoyment. When I say this sentence to myself, the tonality is slower and the pitch is lower, and I feel a heaviness, lethargy, somewhat depressed, because it sounds a little like a teacher telling me what I should do.

The word "else" in the first question presupposes that you are already enjoying something. So you naturally feel some enjoyment — as your attention searches for something else to enjoy. What a difference a single word can make!

And of course you can replace "enjoy" with any other verb that indicates what you want more of in your experience — learn, love, appreciate, see more clearly, understand, etc. Try saying to yourself, "What else can I learn right now?" repeatedly to see how that directs your attention, and how you respond… .

Now pick another verb to put in the place of "learn" to find out what that is like… .

And then do the same with "love" or some other words, and discover what that is like… .

Many people advocate repeatedly saying positive affirmations to themselves, as a way to change their beliefs about themselves and improve their lives. Affirmations originated with Emile Coue (1857–1926) who advocated saying the following sentence repeatedly, until it became an unconscious background mantra: "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better."

There is a serious problem with this particular affirmation in the repeated word, "every." It will never be true that every day and every way I am getting better. Reality just isn't like that. Even if I am getting marvelously better in many ways, it won't be in all ways. Most of us have an internal voice that listens for universal statements and challenges them — and those who don't have that kind of voice would be better off having one! If I say Coue's statement to myself, it stimulates my internal voice to find the exceptions to that universal generalization. It might say sarcastically, "Yeah, right! How about the way you snapped at your wife this morning — is that better? How about that sore knee that flared up yesterday, so that you're hobbling around this morning — is that better? I don't think so."

So even if the idea of affirmations might be worth pursuing, we need to be very careful about the words that we say to ourselves, or they may backfire and produce opposite results. Any universal words, like "all," "every," "always," will usually stir up an antagonistic voice, and that may result in decreasing your optimism! But there are other problems with affirmations that may not be immediately apparent. One web site says the following about affirmations:

The idea behind these techniques is pretty simple. Most of us grow up learning to put ourselves down for any real or imagined error. We grow up believing certain things about ourselves or comparing ourselves negatively to others. The use of positive affirmations is a technique to change that negative self–talk into something more positive.

The goal of having internal voices that are positive sounds very attractive. However, if we examine this prescription a little closer, the idea of adding positive affirmations presents a few problems. If we assume, as the quote does, that most of us "grow up learning to put ourselves down for any real or imagined error" what will happen when we introduce a new voice that is positive and supportive? There will be inevitable conflict between these opposite views. In addition, the old put–down voice is likely to redouble its efforts to disagree with the supportive voice. That may result in our putting ourselves down even more than we did before adding in an affirmation.

According to Wikipedia, "For an affirmation to be effective, it needs to be present tense, positive, personal and specific," and another site offers the following examples:

"I am healthy, happy, wise and free"

"I am surrounded by people who love me."

These examples include the four criteria mentioned in wikipedia, but they don't quite match my reality.

Although "I am healthy, happy, wise and free" doesn't have a universal "all" in it, it is implied, and I don't know of anyone who is always healthy, happy, wise, or free. If I say this to myself when I am sick, sad, stupid, or feeling stuck, that will contradict what I experience, and it won't be very useful.

How often is it true that you are surrounded by people who love you? You might have several people around you at home who love you very much, but at work or in the grocery store there are probably at least a few others who are indifferent, and some others may even be antagonistic.

If an affirmation doesn't fit with your reality, the part of you that keeps track of reality will be aroused to question it, again defeating the purpose of the affirmation. However, if we create internal voices that are a bit more subtle in exactly what words they use, there are ways around this difficulty.

The interesting instruction that follows was posted about a year ago on an email newsgroup by Vikas Dikshit, an NLP–trained educator and trainer in Pune, India:

A Happy World

About 18 months ago a young woman asked me for help with her depression. She was visiting a psychiatrist and had been taking some medicine for depression for the preceding few months.

I suggested to her that she look around and mentally say to herself, "I am sitting on this happy chair. There is this happy table. And these are happy windows with happy curtains." I made her do this for about ten minutes. I suggested she do this every day for about ten or fifteen minutes.

After fifteen days she called to say that she was feeling great now. After about two months she visited the psychiatrist and he stopped her medicine. She continues to call occasionally, and reports that she still feels great. The most recent one was when she was in my town about ten days ago.