Steve Harvey - Straight Talk, No Chaser - How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

SH:First, let me put this out there: you’re never going to be marriage material to everybody. Please take that pressure off yourself. You’re only going to be marriage material to the man who is looking for you. If you are fulfilling his requirements, you become marriage material. But if that guy isn’t looking to you for a long-term relationship, it doesn’t matter how much cooking and cleaning you do, how good the sex is, or how much intelligence, money, and know-how you bring to the table, he’s not going to propose. I can tell you that the women who are marriage material all have one thing in common, though: they all require that they be married. I don’t know a single woman who just surprisingly got married-like, “Oh, how did this happen?” The way and day he proposes may be a surprise, but you knew the day would come because you made it a requirement.

17. WHY DO MEN BECOME SUCH A BORE AFTER MARRIAGE?

SH:Often it’s because you have started accepting the same old thing, and so he has no reason to do anything exciting anymore. Put that reward system in place and you’ll get all manner of excitement pumped back into your relationship. Want to go out to dinner more? Say so. Want to go to more concerts or long walks in the park? Tell him. Then reward him when he does these things for you.

18. ARE MEN TURNED OFF BY A WOMAN WHO SPENDS A LOT OF TIME PURSUING HER CAREER AND FOCUSING ON HER KIDS?

SH:No, they are not. And you should never stop pushing yourself or taking proper care of your kids to please any man. If you’re going to work to take care of your bills and you are involved in your kids’ education and extracurricular activities, if you’re working hard to build a good life for them, why, it would be irrational to stop doing these things for a man’s benefit. That’s just foolish. A real man who meets an attractive woman who isn’t doing these things will want nothing to do with her. And you should reject any man who has a problem with you doing what you’re supposed to do to take care of yourself and your family.

19. HOW DO MEN FEEL ABOUT ONLINE DATING?

SH:It depends on the man, just like it does the woman. But it’s really starting to be nearly unavoidable because technology is such a valuable and pervasive tool in people’s lives. I believe you can save yourselves a lot of time and pain if you get online and talk to a guy before you meet him in person; you can learn a lot before you waste your time with time-consuming dates. And don’t underestimate the power of Google and sites like Free ID Search. All of these, in conjunction with online dating, are smart ways to connect with the opposite sex and really get to know whom you’re dealing with before you meet them in person.

20. WHAT ARE SOME GOOD TIPS FOR FINDING LOVE ONLINE? DO THE SAME RULES APPLY?

SH:The rules are the same. You have to take your time, you have to get to know a person, you have to ask the right questions, you have to dig until you know the truth, and you have to be careful. And, most important, you have to remember that it’s not what they say, it’s what they do, even if it’s online.

21. DO MEN THINK IT’S ACCEPTABLE TO DATE THEIR FRIEND’S EX?

SH:Most men consider this taboo. Does it happen? Sure. But most men know this is a line you don’t want to cross with a true friend because, in our eyes, you will always be his girl and we don’t ever start something with our friend’s woman. You’re virtually guaranteed to get your feelings hurt when you do that.

22. HOW DO MEN FEEL ABOUT LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS? DO THEY WORK FOR MEN?

SH:They can work if the man wants to make it work. The number one challenge is trust: Is he who he really says he is and is he doing what he says he’s doing? There’s not a whole lot of ways to check up on that. What the two of you have to do is determine if you can work on coming together and, in the meantime, set standards and rules that will work for both of you. But be clear: there aren’t a lot of ways to check up on him when he’s not living near you. Don’t be naive about it: Is he sitting around twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the next time he sees you? Or is someone providing him a bit of satisfaction while he waits for you?

23. HOW DO MEN GET OVER GETTING HURT IN RELATIONSHIPS?

SH:For the most part, we move on. We go get somebody else. Are we scarred? Sure, but we’ll go forward, scarred, beat up, teeth cracked, bones broken. We have a moment of pause, a moment of regret, and then we get over it the best way we know how: by finding someone else. We understand very clearly that the best way to get over the last relationship is to start something cracking with someone new. We understand that life goes on.

24. DOES AGE REALLY MATTER TO MEN?

SH:If it’s a guy who’s younger debating about whether he should see an older woman, age matters. We’re trying to determine what she’s going to look like in ten years, what we’ll be able to enjoy together, and if she’s going to age well. In reverse, age really matters, as well. Once you’re a grown adult male, you’re conscious about how young a woman is. If a man has his act together and is mature, he’s not looking for someone to raise. He wants someone who is already grown. Really, though, the difference in age range that a man finds acceptable is really up to him.

25. HOW DO MEN FEEL ABOUT WOMEN GOING THROUGH THEIR PHONES AND USING OTHER INVESTIGATIVE TACTICS TO FIGURE OUT IF THEIR MAN IS BEING TRUE?

SH:Your man will hate you.

26. IF A MAN TELLS YOU HE NEEDS A “BREAK,” DOES THAT MEAN YOU’RE BROKEN UP FOR GOOD?

SH:That’s the biggest warning sign a man can give. When you hear that, wave the white flag, grab the kids, and get to your mama’s house because what he’s just done is broken it to you softly. He’s telling you he’s going to stop calling you, he doesn’t want to see you, and he’s taking a break from sex-with you. He’s tired of you. That’s the warning shot that the end is here-that he’s going on with his life. And you should too.

27. HOW DO GUYS FEEL ABOUT “HINTS” FROM WOMEN WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO THEM?

SH:We’re cool with the hints and with direct flirting, too. The only time we don’t like it is when we’re not interested.

28. DO MEN TREAT FRIENDS WHO BECOME LOVE INTERESTS THE SAME WAY AS THEY DO STRANGERS WHO BECOME LOVE INTERESTS?

SH:Look, the only reason you were friends in the first place was because he didn’t think there was any chance of your relationship developing romantically. Know that he’s been eyeballing you from day one; no man is looking to be just a friend. He wanted you from the start. He settled for friendship because he didn’t think you would have him otherwise. The moment you let him be more than that, a line has been crossed and all bets are off if it doesn’t work out between the two of you-unless, of course, you both agree that it’s better for the two of you to go back to being friends. But it won’t be easy to go back to that space once you cross the line and become lovers.

29. ARE MEN INFLUENCED BY FRIENDS WHEN IT COMES TO COMMITMENT?

SH:Yes, absolutely. If you’re a guy in a serious relationship and all your friends are single, wilding out, and sport fishing (see the glossary), when you hang out with them, association brings on participation. After a while, it’s hard to behave. But this works in reverse, too: if all your friends are in committed relationships and you’re the one wilding out, you at least try not to do wrong when you’re with them. That’s the case with my circle of friends: my four buddies I travel with are committed in their relationships and the single men who play around know that when they come around us, they have to shut down or hide the craziness.