Steve Harvey - Straight Talk, No Chaser - How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

THE DEAL: The more time each of us gets to spend bonding with our friends and finding some joy away from each other, the more we’ll be able to connect when we come back together again.

THE RESULT: The two of you will ultimately enjoy spending time together.

EXAMPLE #3

THE CONVERSATION: You know, we spend so much of our money on bills and the mortgage and the car notes and all the other things we have to pay to keep our lives running, we don’t have anything left over for ourselves. Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy the fruits of our labor every once in a while?

THE EXCHANGE: If I focus on paying off one of our credit cards, and you take your lunch to work more often and take the train to the city instead of driving our gas guzzler to work, we could save a good three hundred dollars a month in food expenses and credit card bill interest.

THE DEAL: We can divvy up the savings-a quarter of it you can spend the way you see fit; a quarter of it I can spend on anything I want, and we can save the rest to get something special for the two of us.

THE RESULT: Both of you get a little extra spending money in your separate accounts, and get to work together toward a mutual goal.

See? Everybody wins. Keep this one thing in mind, though: you can’t strike the deal and renege. We men are sticklers for the “but you said you would” demands, so you cannot walk away having gotten what you wanted without giving him what he wants. Of course, the same is true for us men. In order for the deal to work, both parties have to hold up their end of the bargain; there must be accountability. This is where your standards and requirements-the ones I wrote about in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man -come into play. Just like you did when you were dating and letting your man know up front what you wanted, needed, and expected out of your relationship, all the things that you required of a man in order for him to win your time, attention, and affection, you will have to require your man to live up to the agreement he’s made. You can’t let him put the kids to bed a couple days every week for three weeks, and sit passively back as he cuts back to once a week for the next two weeks, and then stops helping with the kids’ routine altogether, while you’re still pulling out the Saturday night bells and whistles and the monkey show on a Tuesday. No monkeys need to be coming out unless he keeps up the end of the deal he struck. Otherwise, you’ll both be right back to the frustration you were feeling before you learned to negotiate.

You deserve better.

For Ladies Only…

Using the Art of the Deal to Maintain Standards and Requirements in a Relationship

In the beginning of your relationship, you weren’t passing out the cookie to a man who wasn’t treating you right; you gave it to him based on his meeting your standards and requirements and doing nice things for you. But as you get deeper into the relationship, your man will slowly pull back on the tactics, treats, and attention he used to win you over. It’s just what we do; capturing you was hard work and once we have you, we get comfortable putting in less work on the romantic side of things because we’re busy providing for and protecting you and we soon find out that even if we don’t break a sweat meeting your standards and requirements in the bedroom, you don’t usually complain. You give based on your emotions, not your mate’s actions. And so he chills. He’s not rubbing your feet anymore and he hasn’t licked your back since 1979, but he’s still over there requiring you give him your all-and that leads to frustration, chiefly, yours.

How do you get him back on board? Talk. Men are not mind readers, and we will continue on as is if you don’t tap us on the shoulder and make clear what you want-just like you did when we first approached you. You simply cannot afford to let your guard down if you want to be happy. Open the conversation with a compliment; tell him in a sexy, sly way that you appreciate what he’s doing-holding down the family, bringing home the bacon, being a strong man for you and yours. But then toss in the honesty: tell him you really miss the things he used to do to you that drove you up and down the wall. Reminisce a little-remind him of that time you swung from the chandeliers, and the time you arrived home to rose petals on the bed, and the hot times you used to have in the hotel during your quick, romantic getaways. I promise you, he will be all ears during this conversation. Getting good cookie, after all, is our favorite subject. We hear, “Hmm-she’s talking about me driving her up the wall-it must be about to happen this evening. Yes!” And he’ll start thinking about what he can do to make you feel that way again.

Seal the deal by telling him what you would love to show him in exchange for getting some of that spark back. Now, he’s saying to himself, “If I do this, I’ll get that. Where do I sign?” It’s the reward system-works every time, even in the romance side of your life. You can’t walk into this thing saying, “You don’t hold me anymore, you don’t look at me like you did before!” because what you’ll get back is, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re only half cooking, you haven’t worn a thong in twenty years, and all your underwear has lint balls on it. Who wants a part of that?”

This is my way of saying, use your feminine wiles in a way that benefits you, even after you’ve got him.

When Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man was published, I traveled all across the country talking to women about the ways of men, and at each event, I invited my audience to submit the burning questions they have about the opposite sex. Here, I give quick and candid answers to the queries that repeatedly found their way into the mix.

1. DO MEN BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

SH:Yes, we do believe in love at first sight, but it’s based purely on the sight. We’re just in love with what we see initially. But that love can easily go away-you can start out winning and slowly lose this guy once he gets to know you. He may decide in his mind you don’t sound like you look, you don’t think like you look, you don’t act like you look, and you don’t have what you look like you have. That’s what kills the romance. False advertisement. And sometimes, we just change our minds about it, and it’s no fault of your own.

2. WHAT ARE THE TOP TEN PLACES TO MEET MEN?

SH:I can’t tell you that because there is no one set place. You can meet a man anywhere. I knew a man who married the woman he rear-ended in a car accident. I know another man who married his divorce lawyer. Another one of my friends remarried his first wife, and another one married the woman his son was dating. You can meet and fall in love with anyone anywhere, and it’s ridiculous to limit yourself to a few places. This is why I say in the “Presentation Is Everything” chapter that you have to be prepared; if you’re going to the ice cream store, the Laundromat, the hospital, the park, the gym, there might be a man there just for you. Be open to anything, anywhere.

3. IS IT A TURNOFF FOR MEN TO DATE DIVORCED WOMEN?

SH:No. Nothing is a turnoff if we’re attracted to you. No matter what, if he likes you, he’s going to approach you and see where the encounter leads.

4. WHAT DO MEN NEED AFTER MARRIAGE TO STAY SEXUALLY INTERESTED?

SH:We need variety and spontaneity. There isn’t a guy living who doesn’t like that. If you don’t know this about your man, it’s because he hasn’t told you yet. But keep doing the same thing and you’ll see how that affects your love life. Wouldn’t you be bored if, after years of being together, your man was still bringing the same flowers and playing the same songs and saying the same things he brought, played, and said when he first met you? Wouldn’t you just love it if, out of the blue, he did something different and special for you? Well, men are no different. If you want to get him sexually interested, toss a sombrero, some high heels, and roses on the nightstand and scribble the words, “Anywhere, Anytime” on a piece of paper. That’ll get him interested, I promise you that. Meet him in the garage and get something going before he even gets out of his car. Get in some loving in a store’s dressing room. Just be different. He’ll respond every time.