Steve Harvey: Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

5. WHEN A MAN SAYS “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME” OR “I’M NOT READY FOR YOU” AS AN EXCUSE FOR BREAKING OFF A RELATIONSHIP, IS HE JUST SPORT FISHING?

SH:Not necessarily. Sometimes a guy is being honest. Sometimes he’s not willing or simply cannot give you what you want, and honorable guys will tell women that. If he says, “I’m not for you, you deserve better,” take his words as a blessing. Some women stay there, trying to force the issue, or continue to invest in a man who’s clearly told her he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Obviously, you can’t be committed to making the relationship work by yourself. So be smart about it: thank him, tell him you appreciate his honesty, and go on about your business.

6. FOR SINGLE MOTHERS RAISING BOYS, WHAT IS THE NUMBER ONE THING WE CAN TEACH THEM TO HELP THEM FORM HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

SH:Avoid sharing with your young sons the reasons you and your man aren’t together. Doing this accomplishes little more than dumping information onto a person who is too young to process it. Instead, talk to him constantly about how you like to be treated-what makes you feel good as a woman and a mother. He’ll remember that you like to have doors opened for you, chairs pulled out, a person who listens respectfully when you’re talking, and who tells the truth when he’s asked questions-all things big and small that he’ll need to remember and practice when he gets into his own relationships with women. The best thing you can do for your sons, though, is get them strong male role models they can emulate-men who can supplement the incredible job single moms everywhere are doing with their boys.

7. WHY DO MEN CONTINUE TO LIE, EVEN AFTER THEY’VE BEEN CAUGHT AND CONFRONTED, AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TRUTH WILL DO?

SH:Because we know the truth will absolutely not do anything for us except get us deeper into trouble and hurt your feelings more. What you need to understand is that sometimes that lie, that withholding of all the information, is his way of protecting you from getting more mad, scornful, and resentful than you already are when you suspect we’ve done something wrong. Our lie, in effect, is really about damage control; we’re not giving the whole truth because doing so would add more fuel to the fire. You’re already fired up with the information you have. It doesn’t make sense to give you more information. No man is going to do that. Feel how you want to feel about it, but really, he’s trying to have some decency about his mess. You may know about three indiscretions, but do you think he’s really going to disclose to you that there were thirty more? No way. Because your response will only intensify. We’re sparing your feelings and keeping ourselves out of deeper trouble.

8. WHY DO MEN STOP CALLING WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION FOR WHY THEY’RE NOT COMMUNICATING ANYMORE?

SH:Because we’re done. You need closure, but men don’t; we just need it to be over. We don’t need to know why it didn’t work, we don’t want to consider trying it again; we don’t question the rationale behind our decision. We didn’t like talking while we were together; we’re not about to become the Great Communicator now that we’ve broken up. So women would do themselves well to let it go. It’s over-move on.

9. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE SHOWING THEIR FEELINGS?

SH:Because from boyhood through our journey to manhood, we were never taught to express our feelings. Our parents, our extended families, our teachers, our friends-everyone tells boys not to emote like girls, to be men, to stop all that crying. We are raised to hold in and hide our emotions. And so we learn to be silent and keep our emotions in check. Once we get into a relationship with a woman we’re deficient in the art of communicating with women because we’ve never been expressive in our lives. Women learn and express themselves differently; you get to walk together with your girls arm in arm, you dance together at the club, you hug each other, touch each other’s faces while you’re talking. We’re not touching any man’s face or kissing him on the cheek. We are taught the exact opposite all our lives and we grow comfortable with it. And honestly, I don’t think you need to break that pattern with your man. You can’t sit around the house crying with your man. You know as well as I do that the moment he started bawling, you’d be on the phone with your girls, saying, “This man is crying harder than I am!” You want your man to be a man and we can’t be touchy-feely with our emotions when we’re charged with manning up for the family. It’s a skill set you need your man to have.

10. HOW DO I GET MY MAN TO BE MORE SPONTANEOUS?

SH:By giving him a reason to be spontaneous. It’s very simple: if there is a reward in it, we’ll do it. This is nothing new. When we’re good students, we want the gold star; when we’re in a race, we want a gold medal; when we get a promotion, we want a raise. Why in the world would we give up the reward system in a relationship? As I wrote in the Chapter 12, “The Art of the Deal,” if you make a promise in exchange for that spontaneity, we’ll give you spontaneity all damn day. And know that there is only one payoff: we don’t want a pack of socks or underwear or a hand-drawn bath full of rose petals or a cash advance. All we want is some cookie. Give that to us and you’re golden.

11. DO MEN PREFER SEX WITH NEW PARTNERS OVER SEX WITH WOMEN WITH WHOM THEY’VE HAD A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP?

SH:We can get new sex from the woman with whom we’re in a long-term relationship. Variety is the spice of life. Take that short answer and pack it wherever you want to pack it.

12. WHY DON’T MEN LIKE PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION-HOLDING HANDS, KISSING, AND SO ON?

SH:That’s not true at all. I hold my wife’s hand everywhere I go and kiss her in restaurants all the time. If your man doesn’t want to do that, maybe he doesn’t like holding your hand or kissing you. Maybe he doesn’t want anyone-his wife, his girlfriend, prospective love interests-to know you’re together. If you want him to be more affectionate in public, take his hand, kiss him when the mood suits you (and it’s appropriate), and hug him when you need one. If he cares about you, he’ll return the affection, no matter who is watching.

13. IF A MAN BRINGS ME AROUND HIS FRIENDS, DOES THAT MEAN HE’S REALLY INTO ME?

SH:It could be, but it’s a sure sign that he’s not into you if you don’t ever get around his friends. If he’s not proud of you or wants to keep what he has with you under wraps, he won’t ever bring you around his boys.

14. WHAT MAKES MEN HAPPY?

SH:Cookie.

15. WHAT IS A MAN’S IDEA OF A GOOD WOMAN?

SH:Well, it varies from man to man. Some men want a woman who is working and contributing financially to the relationship. Some men want women to stay home and raise the family. Some men want someone who is stunning and supersmart. But at the end of the day, we all want and need the same thing out of our woman, no matter how much she’s willing to contribute to the bank account, do around the house, or dress up to make herself look superattractive: men have to have a woman who is loyal, supportive, and willing to give us cookie on a regular basis. If you’re missing any one of those things, then you’re not going to be a good woman for any man.

16. WHAT ARE THE TOP THINGS MEN LOOK FOR TO DETERMINE IF YOU’RE MARRIAGE MATERIAL?