Steve Harvey - Straight Talk, No Chaser - How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

A man who is buying baubles and trinkets but refuses to give you what you really want-a true, monogamous, loving relationship, however, is simply using you. He’s paying your rent and car note, but he’s doing it only because he expects something in return, and the moment it starts costing him to keep buying you, he’s out. His sponsorship package may make you feel grateful to be with him, but really, you’re being played-kept in a holding pattern until he’s ready to move on. He’s buying your kindness, your sex, your love, your affection-a cool place to chill out and escape whatever problems he’s dealing with, like the nagging wife or girlfriend, or the dog-eat-dog competition at work, or the pressure that comes with raising kids with a difficult ex. And while you’re letting him spend money on you and giving him your all, you’re compromising your requirements and standards and missing out on what most women looking for a sound relationship want in a man-understanding, tenderness, companionship, a man willing to share himself and grow with you and truly sacrifice for you. He reels you in by telling you he’s with you because he can find peace in your arms, but you’re not finding any peace.

A true player knows how to, well, play on your needs; he’s very clear on what women need-someone to share their lives with and someone who makes them feel secure. I’m not qualified to say that these are the only things women look for because I’m not one, but I can say those two things have been important for every woman I’ve dealt with in any kind of way. As hunters, we men understand this, and so we’ll set out the bait to meet those two needs, knowing that if we just give the illusion of those two things, we get everything we want out of you.

Of course, some relationships are built on this; the world is full of women who want nothing more than to be sponsored-to get a man’s cash with no obligation to him. For every woman like that, there are twenty men willing to sign up for the program because, just like she claims she doesn’t want anything more than money, he’s clear that he doesn’t want anything more than the sex that comes with handing the money over. If a man meets a woman who is physically to his liking and she makes it perfectly clear she doesn’t want anything but a little financial help, then cool: we’re used to that. We have to pay for your company and sex anyway. So instead of taking you to dinner and wining and dining you, let’s package it all up and call it rent. Instead of taking you on trips, let’s add all the money that would involve and call it a car note. And once those things are paid for and the passionate moment has come and gone, we’re through. If you don’t want anything emotionally, well hell, guess what? We don’t want anything either. Men are not dumb-they know when they’re being gamed for their cash. But trust me when I tell you: a man enters these kinds of relationships willingly. You’re not pulling the wool over his eyes. And the moment he decides he’s bored with you or tired of the game, he’ll simply move on-either to another woman who has more excitement to offer, or to a woman whom he’s decided to give his heart to. He’s the master of the game. He knows what’s up.

The moment you start expecting more from him is the moment you’ll be in trouble. You may have liked being spoiled but as with any sugar high, eventually, you’re going to crash; you’re going to come down and crave something of substance. However, you won’t get it. You’ll have his cell-phone number but you won’t be able to call him at the house; you’ll be invited to his “house” but it won’t look lived in (which means he probably has a real home with somebody somewhere else); you won’t ever meet his family or go on double dates with his best friends (because no one else-especially his boy’s girlfriend, who is likely friends with his real girlfriend-can see you, lest they give you and him a hard time); you won’t ever sit next to him in a house of worship (even the hardest dogs of dogs won’t push the limit with the Lord that far, and there aren’t too many dudes who have that kind of dog in them). He’s generous, but he’s not sharing his life with you.

You will not get real companionship from him. You will not get him to protect, profess, or provide for you-to truly get him to show and prove his love for you. What’s worse is that when Mr. Right does come along, you won’t recognize him because your standards will be out of reach of what most well-intentioned men can provide; you’ll miss the guy who is willing to pick you up on time and introduce you to his friends and sit in a house of worship with you on Sunday morning but doesn’t have the money to, say, pay your rent. The man who is willing to give you true kindness, understanding, companionship, and attention doesn’t have a chance because you’ve sold out for cash to pay your car note and rent.

Is the car note and rent worth that if what you ultimately want is a sound, secure, loving relationship?

So how do you get away from the sugar and find yourself some substance? Get back to what I told you in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man : get some standards and some requirements. A man can only act like a sugar daddy if you sign up for the program to be “sugared,” I promise you. Trust me-I’ve seen it a million times. I’ve got plenty of friends who’ve played sugar daddy more times than they’re willing to cop to. One of my boys had a fleet of gorgeous women he flew all around the country; he’d buy them things to keep them interested and have them coming and going as if he was running air traffic control at LAX. Arrival and departure times-that’s all he cared about. I personally saw the doorman who controlled entry into his building high-five him one evening and say, “Sir, I’m enjoying your visits.” He did nothing for those women-he didn’t profess any love for them, he didn’t take them to meet his family, there was no coming over to his house unannounced, and they weren’t invited into his life to share it with him. He was just offering up sponsorship packages.

Then he met his match-a beautiful woman with her head on her shoulders who made clear to him that she wasn’t about to sign up for the program. She made it very clear that she wasn’t interested in how much he made or what he did for a living-she just wanted a man who would love her and be faithful. And she let him know, too, that she couldn’t be bought-not with the typical things he used to get for the other women. Her purchase price was a mite higher: she told him how he was going to treat her, how he was going to deal with her, and how he was going to show his love to her. And he rose to the occasion. I swear to you, living with a woman like that is like living with corrections; whatever wrong mess you did before comes to a stop with her, and if you want to stay with her, you do what she wants you to do in order to keep her. She lets you know, too, that she’s willing to walk away if you don’t act right and quick.

That’s the power you have in a true, valuable relationship. Convincing a man to give you things isn’t power, I promise you that. When you sign up for a sugar daddy, all you’re doing is delaying what is real-your true happiness-because a sugar daddy eventually goes away. The relationship is almost always temporary. Of course, some men are genuinely trying to help you, but plenty more are just playing and biding their time. The key to determining the difference is figuring out if you’re getting what you need and really want. If you’re taking the help but your relationship isn’t going anywhere-he’s not calling, he’s consistently not showing up when he said he would, he’s treating you like a throwback instead of a keeper (see the glossary)-then you’re being used.