Steve Harvey: Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

Men are hunters by nature, predators who, if we’re not looking for anything serious, will look for the easy kill. The woman who’s dressed provocatively, who’s a little loud, who’s tossing back drinks and dancing suggestively and sending out the signals that she’s down for whatever won’t have a problem filling up her dance card with a bunch of guys who won’t be remotely serious about her. She’s going to be the ultimate throwback for the man who’s sport fishing, a man who is looking for a woman to use and toss back into the water. She’s easy to spot. But we can also spot, just as easily, the woman who has it all, plus attitude to spare-and who isn’t afraid to use it.

We’re not as stupid as you think we are, I promise you that. We don’t just run up on you; we watch you. We watch how you talk to the lady in the cafeteria line at work-how rudely you talk to her, how you don’t say “thank you” when she gives you your change and packs up your sandwich. We see who you choose to sit with-how you sit with only a certain type of person, but avoid anyone who doesn’t fit into your mold of “success.” We sense when you’re throwing off that “you’re really beneath me, why are you over here” vibe when guys with a certain look head your way. We determine things about you before we walk that long stretch to get to you, before we figure out just the right words we’ll say to get you to smile. And if we get the sense that you won’t smile, that you’re going to give off that “why are you over here” attitude, we’re not going to approach you. We’re going to conclude that we don’t need to deal with you.

If men aren’t approaching you, maybe it’s not because you’re intimidating but because they’re too busy focusing on the woman who isn’t cold and callous-the one who is smiling and comfortable with herself and appears to be having a good time, even if she is sitting alone.

If a woman looks engaging, we’ll engage her. But if she looks like one of those cold women who will meet our advances with hostility and act disinterested when any man even looks in her direction, well, yeah: men aren’t going to talk to her. Who needs that hassle? Who wants that hassle?

MYTH 3

Men Can’t Be in Relationships with Women Who Make More Money

THE TRUTH: A man who makes less money than you isn’t holding it against you. He’s taking it out on himself.

First, you must understand that it is possible for men to be in serious relationships with women who bring in more cash. These days, with the economy in flux and men losing their jobs only to leave their women the biggest-and sometimes the sole-breadwinners in the house, there are more examples of unions that fit this bill than ever before. But it is not easy, by any stretch, for a man to swallow that, and it’s going to take some serious strategizing to make this work. His difficulty handling the financial imbalance isn’t about you-it’s about him. He’s not intimidated by or mad at you for succeeding; it’s more that he’s ashamed that he’s not growing with you. If he’s not moving forward financially or in terms of his status and position, if he’s not accomplishing anything special or feels like he’s not living up to his promise, as a man, to provide for his family, then he’s going to have problems seeing where he fits into the equation, particularly if it involves changes he didn’t sign up for.

Say you’ve gotten a promotion and now you’re taking more phone calls, answering more e-mails, and going on more business trips, whereas he’s stuck at the house, trying to keep the kids quiet while you work or taking them to school and picking them up because you’re not there to do it as regularly as you used to. If this wasn’t something he was doing before, and those changes came along without any discussion or agreement about how familial and household responsibilities will now be divvied up, your man is either going to begrudge his new position or rail against it. For a guy to go from being a workingman all his life to playing Mr. Mom will take a toll on him. When you’re going against everything that feels like the natural order of things and you’re forced to play a role that falls outside your skill set, without your permission or your partner’s acknowledgment of what you’re going through, it’s a hard pill to swallow. If your man didn’t raise his hand and agree to be Mr. Mom, get ready for some degree of rebellion. Some men can make the adjustment, but some can’t.

Not, at least, without your help.

This is where it will be important to communicate and be very clear about what it will take to work together to keep the family intact. And this is where your tone will be important. Sit him down and talk to him like the lady you are; acknowledge that the financial dynamic is different and unexpected and unlike any one you’ve ever handled in your relationships, but that the dynamic between you and him is the one that is most important to you and the two of you have to be willing to do what it takes to make it work. Reiterate to him that you two aren’t in some kind of paycheck competition-that the money you’re bringing in isn’t solely for you, but for the team, the family, and that everyone in the house benefits when the two of you work together to keep the cash flowing, no matter whose faucet is flowing harder. Pump him up-tell him that you still have his name as do the children, and you still consider him, without question, the fearless leader and head of the household. Offer him encouragement, support, and show him appreciation; it’ll go a long way in helping him deal.

Sure, there will be some of you who take issue with this, who think that putting him on a pedestal will somehow devalue you. But I ask you this: Isn’t your relationship worth it? His feelings? Is it so awful to boost up the man you love? Wouldn’t you want him to do the same if the tables were turned?

I’m guessing you would.

He can deal with the changes as long as your attitude and your tone don’t devalue his worth. Success outside the home will not translate into success inside your home if you’re using your financial upper hand as an excuse to talk to and treat your man like an employee or your child. Men are not inflexible; it’s all in the approach.

MYTH 4

Men Expect and Want Strong, Independent Women to Lower Their Standards or Get Comfortable Being Alone

THE TRUTH: Men really don’t care about what model, make, and specification of a man you prefer; if you’re looking for a mate who, like you, has a couple degrees, a high-paying salary in a fast-paced career, a mansion on the hill, and a fancy car to drive you to expensive restaurants, that’s your business. It bears no reflection on us, and we applaud you for sticking to your guns about the kind of man you want. But if there aren’t a bunch of those guys fitting that specific bill standing around waiting for you, don’t go broadcasting from the mountaintops that there aren’t any good men around, because there are plenty of “good” men around. What gets our goat is the refusal of strong, independent, extremely picky women to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, one of the biggest reasons they’re alone is because they’ve severely limited their dating pool by skipping over perfectly good guys for less attainable ones.

To us it’s like when we’re twelve and we’re thinking about what we want to be when we grow up. We tell everybody we want to play center field for the New York Yankees. Even though there are a billion of us who want that job, only a few of us will actually get the job, and at some point, we realize it’s probably not going to be us. Consequently, we adjust our expectations and come up with a more reasonable, attainable career goal.