Steve Harvey: Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

Iget why it’s so easy to get sucked in.

Here’s this guy at your door bearing gifts-say it’s the latest Fendi bag, a pair of Christian Louboutins to match the hot, body-skimming dress he laid across your bed last month, or a pair of diamond earrings the size of fists and a matching bangle so sparkly it makes your wrist look like a constellation. Or those gifts might be something much more practical-a check to cover a month’s worth of rent for the condo you all spend time in, or a payment for that Chrysler you’ve been driving around town, or a date in the chair of that stylist you love who sews in your tracks just the way you (and he!) like them or gives you highlights that all the women in the office envy. Hell, he might be bringing something as basic as a bag of groceries or lunch money for the kids.

Whatever the gift, you’re happy to receive it, aren’t you? Because it keeps money in your pocket and, more important, it makes you feel like this man cares about you-wants you to look good, live comfortably, eat right, and have some of your needs and even some of your wants taken care of. Who wouldn’t sign up for that, especially if this guy is bringing these gifts and showing you what appears to be genuine affection?

But you know, back in the day, that guy was referred to as a “sugar daddy.” Sugar Daddy is a sweet person who takes care of you like your daddy would-gives you clothes, food, shelter. Delivers it all with sweetness beyond compare, but with expectations no “daddy” would ever expect of his real daughters. The sugar daddy motto: you be sweet to him, and he’ll be sweet to you.

These days, a sugar daddy has a different name: sponsor. No matter if you all call this man a “sugar daddy” or a “sponsor,” we men simply refer to him as a player and you as a woman willing to prostitute yourself without even realizing it.

Yup, I said it.

Sure, you may be getting some nice things, but honestly, accepting gifts from a guy without getting what you want in return is nothing more than an advanced form of prostitution. See, we men understand this much: there’s a “cost”-direct or indirect-associated with sex. We can buy it at the strip club or at a brothel or online, or we can take you to dinner and the movies, pay your rent, buy you some jewelry, send you to get your hair done on our dime, or hand you money. Either way, we fully expect that if we’re spending money, we’re going to get something in return: sex.

And trust me when I tell you, there is nothing sugary or sweet about giving so much of yourself to a man who, at the end of the day, is giving up so little in return. Oh, it may look like he’s giving you the world. Hell, a sugar daddy/sponsor/player will go out of his way to make it seem like he’s going all out, just for you. But a sugar daddy who is, in essence, paying for sex will never make any real, long-term sacrifice, will never pursue anything that substantially chips away at his own bottom line. He’ll play the game as long as it goes undetected and will not interfere with a relationship that’s important to him.

He will not pay your rent if it means he can’t pay his.

He will not buy you a car if he doesn’t have one for himself.

He will not buy you groceries if his refrigerator isn’t full.

He will not take you to the hot party if a woman he cares for more wants to go too.

And he most certainly will not fall in love with you just because you’re giving him some tail.

In my line of business, I see this all the time. Men with means-celebrities, athletes, bankers, businessmen-have one, two, three, and even more women on the side, and each one of them will be the proud recipient of a sponsorship package: they might get $2,000 for rent in a luxurious condo, maybe $700 for a car note, $300 for hair and nail appointments, an expensive pair of shoes or a dress every now and again. Tally that up, and those women have gotten something very valuable from their sugar daddies, haven’t they? They have a place to live and transportation, and they get to look good from head to toe-all on someone else’s dime. But what they’re getting from their sponsors is worth nothing more than a dime to a sugar daddy in the scheme of things; if he’s making millions, what is that little $3,000 a month costing him? The woman who’s getting that sponsorship package is worth very little-the equivalent of a drawerful of cashmere Marcoliani socks, a few fancy Hermès ties, and a pair of expensive cuff links. He might as well be flipping a quarter in her direction.

If you’re involved with a sugar daddy or sponsor, you don’t even have to ask for that quarter either. The real players always offer to help you with whatever your needs are before they’re expressed-we pick it up in conversation, see it with our own two eyes. You pull up in a car that looks like it’s on its last leg? A sugar daddy’s got a car payment for you or a ride to wherever you need to go. A potential sponsor comes over to your house and sees that all your furniture looks like it came from the 1950s and your two little kids’ hand-me-downs date back to the 1970s? Your sponsor is going to be sure to kick you a little cash for some new furniture or take the kids clothes shopping. A sugar daddy goes out with a woman and looks down at her feet and asks what size she wears. Please believe, he’s going to make a mental note that she said she wears a size 9, and a few weeks later when she’s not thinking about it, he’s going to show up with a nice pair of shoes in the perfect size. Those shoes are going to get him a kiss. And when he asks her what size dress she wears, a few weeks later, he’s going to trade in a size 10 outfit for a hug and a kiss and maybe a little bit more. The woman hasn’t said she wants clothes or a dress or anything else, but she’s not turning it down, either. The money and the gifts are bait, and he knows she’s biting.

He’s going to keep the bait coming, too, because he’s investing in her. It’s just a slick way of giving her what she values-a way to reel her in without sacrificing anything he truly needs or wants. And what kind of return does he get on his investment? Something that no man should be able to buy: her love, her devotion, and her body-three things that are absolutely priceless.

And trust me, a player doesn’t have to be rich to offer sponsorship packages. The regular workingman is just as much an expert at investing in a woman as the richest man on the planet. You’re short on cash and running out of milk? Here come some groceries, some baby food, and a couple of lollipops for the kids. You a little light on money for the bills? Here comes a couple dollars toward the phone and light bills. Your car’s not running right? Here he comes to change the oil or check on the timing belt or change the flat tire. He doesn’t have to have a lot of money-he just needs to see a need and fulfill it, at minimal or no cost to himself.

Please understand, there really is a difference between a man who provides and one who is simply investing. As I’ve said elsewhere in this book, a man who truly loves you will do three things: profess his love for you publicly, protect you by any means necessary, and provide for you, no matter if it means there’s nothing left for himself. He will not spend his money on trifling things and come to you with what’s left, and he will not selfishly give you a little cut and take the rest for himself. If he’s a real man, he will always sacrifice buying something for himself until he’s fulfilled his responsibility to provide for you; he will not buy a new set of golf clubs or a nice suit if he knows the kids’ tuition is due. He does this because providing for you-even if it means sacrificing what he needs for himself-is fulfilling his role and purpose as a man who is showing his genuine love for his woman.