Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other [113]in their determined efforts to get away from evil.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yes, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “No. Sure am not.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

A man stumbles up [114]to the only other man in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why of course? [115]” comes the reply.

The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds, “You don’t say, [116]I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland. [117]”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’92.”

“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’92, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

“What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for [118]the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies, “Four.”

The interviewer asks, “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in [119]the accountant and asks the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says, “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, “What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal?”

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager. [120]The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. [121]This seems an excessive refinement, [122]and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up [123]to the nearest semiquaver. [124]If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, [125]one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

A famous European writer was talking to an American girl. The American, speaking in the writer’s native language, asked him why he had never visited the United States.

“I know only a few sentences in English,” answered the writer.

“What are the sentences?” asked the girl.

“How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Forget me. Ham and eggs, please,” answered the writer.

“Why,” exclaimed the girl, “with that vocabulary you could travel all over my country.”

“Mamma, please, change my name.”

“But why must I do that?”

“Because Daddy says he is going to spank me as sure as my name is Bobby.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind [126]before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.

4) Satisfy his every whim.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, “You’re going to die.”

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They’re heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you’ve established a network connection.

3. They’ll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won’t do more than they have to and they won’t think of it on their own.

2. They’re typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they’ve already invested so much in the damn machine that they’re compelled to remain with an under powered system.