Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”

“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”

“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”

“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”

“The first cow, of course.”

“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.

“I can write! I can write!”

“What did you write?”

“How can I know? I can’t read.”

A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.

“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.

Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.

“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.

“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”

“Why not?”

“I never put them up [79]in class.”

“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”

“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”

MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?

SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.

“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring? [80]”

“Leave it in the cow.”

LADY (seeing tug-of-war [81]for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?

When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.

“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.

“Three months,” answered the mother.

“My, but you’ve kept her nice! [82]” exclaimed the little girl.

“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”

“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”

“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”

Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?

Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.

Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?

Master: at 3 p. M.

Man: and the next eastbound train?

Master: at 4 p. M.

Man: and the next northbound train?

Master: arrives at 6 p. M.

Man: and the southbound train?

Master: oh, it left two hours ago.

Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.

“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”

“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”

A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:

“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”

A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:

“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”

“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”

“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”

“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”

“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”

“Thank you, Mama.”

“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”

“I think I’d better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.”

“Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?”

“What can I do?”

“You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.”

“Isn’t it wonderful how little chicks get out of their shells?”

“What puzzles me is how they get into them.”

“How is your little brother, Johnny?”

“He is in bed. He hurt himself.”

“That’s too bad. How did he do it?”

“We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.”

“Is your dog clever?”

“Very. When I say to him: come here or don’t come here, just as you please, he comes or he doesn’t come, as he pleases. [83]”

A father took his young daughter to the cinema. He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter sat down in the front row to join some other children. The film was showing a forest fire which frightened the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”

“Oh, no!” she answered. “The smoke got in my eyes.”

“What is the difference between lightning and electricity?”

“Well, you don’t have to pay for lightning.”

“So, Joe was the life of the party? [84]”

“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”

“That letter is too heavy,” said the clerk in the post office, after weighing the letter.

“You’ll have to put another stamp on it.”

“What’s the good of that?” said the boy. “If I put another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.”

“It was so cold where we were,” said the Arctic explorer, “that the candle froze and we couldn’t blow it out.”

“That’s nothing,” said another man. “Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we fried them to see what we were talking about.”

“Is it bad luck when a black cat follows you?”

“That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.”

An American and a Scotchman were walking near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place. When the echo was clearly heard after almost two minutes, the proud Scotchman, turning to the American, exclaimed, “You cannot show anything like that in your country!”

“Why,” said the American, “in my camp in the Rockies, [85]when I go to bed, I just call out, ‘Time to get up; wake up’, and eight hours afterwards the echo comes back and wakes me up.”