Сергей Матвеев: Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

© ООО «Издательство АСТ», 2014

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbour, seeing him there, decides to investigate. “What are you doing?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.” “That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” asked the neighbour. Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your ugly cat!”

A porter in a British hotel comes upon an American tourist impatiently jabbing at the button for the lift.

“Sir, the lift will be here in a moment.”

“Lift? Lift?” replies the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”

“No sir, here we call it a lift.”

“Well, as it was invented in the United States, it’s called an elevator.”

“Yes sir, but as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.”

Joe: I love you. I love you. Won’t you be my wife?

Jess: You must see mama first.

Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.

“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie, still crying, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked:

“Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?”

“That is an extremely simple question,” he responded. “So simple in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old. [1]”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

“The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

An old granny overheard and spoke up, “Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!”

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along [2]at 22 MPH. [3]

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. [4]Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142.”

A small child met his new teacher for the first time.

“Are you good?” asked the teacher.

“I am the sort of boy my mummy tells me not to play with.”

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner, [5]people.”

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”

Surprised, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God.

While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”

He replied, “1 second.”

The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million pounds to you?”

And God replied, “A penny.”

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”

And God replied, “Just wait a second.”

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?”

The father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breathe underwater?”

Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”

The father replied, “Of course not, you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothing.”

Mother (in a low tone): Tommy, your grandfather is very sick. Can’t you say something nice to him to cheer him a bit?

Tommy: Grandfather, wouldn’t you like to have soldiers at your funeral?

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies, “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up [6]his date and they go to a fountain. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. [7]

He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, “Do you like spinach?”