Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that’s the only time you have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.

4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message, “Bad command or filename,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your check on accessories for it.

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is sent through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!” do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1 as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

The husband wised up to the fact that [127]his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated [128]and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:

Sir! It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end… “And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, [129]Amen.”

1. Who is Schubert?

a) a German philosopher

b) an Italian singer

c) a German composer

d) an Austrian composer

2. Выберите нужное наречие:

Just pull the tooth as __________ as possible.

a) far

b) well

c) today

d) quickly

3. Выберите нужные глаголы:

It’s too cold out to ________ a bike, I don’t even ________ how to ride one, I ________ this gift!”

a) know, ride, hate

b) ride, know, hate

c) hate, know, ride

d) ride, go, hate

4. Выберите нужный предлог:

The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard ____________ that place.

a) in

b) on

c) about

d) behind

5. Заполните таблицу:

6. What is taxidermy?

a) the practice of applying paint, pigment, colour to a surface

b) the art of preparing, stuffing, and mounting the skins of animals for display or for other sources of study

c) the act of using tools to shape something from a material by scraping away portions of that material

d) the fabrication or sculptural process that joins materials, usually metals or thermoplastics, by causing coalescence

7. What does a ventriloquist do?

a) changes his or her voice so that it appears that the voice is coming from elsewhere

b) involves the manipulation of objects for recreation, entertainment or sport

c) has the ability to attain objectives or acquire knowledge and wisdom using supernatural means

d) serves as an intermediary between the physical world and the spiritual world

8. Where is Ireland situated?

a) in Eastern Europe

b) in South Asia

c) to the north-west of continental Europe

d) in the eastern Pyrenees mountains

1. an Austrian composer

2. quickly; Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

3. It’s too cold out to ride a bike, I don’t even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!”

4. in; The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place.

5.

6. the art of preparing, stuffing, and mounting the skins of animals for display or for other sources of study

7. changes his or her voice so that it appears that the voice is coming from elsewhere

8. to the north-west of continental Europe

abilityспособность

ableспособный

aboutо, об; около

absolutelyбезусловно

acceptпринимать

accessoryпринадлежность, приспособление; аксессуары

accidentнесчастный случай

accompanyсопровождать

accomplishвыполнить, делать

accordionаккордеон

accountрассчитывать

accountantбухгалтер

accumulateнакапливать

aceтуз

acheболь

acneпрыщи; угри

acquireприобретать

acrossчерез

actпоступок

actionдеятельность; действие

activateактивизировать

actuallyдействительно

adобъявление; реклама

addдобавлять

additionalдобавочный; дополнительный

addressадрес; обращаться

admiralадмирал

admitдопускать; признавать

adoptусыновлять

advertisementобъявление; реклама

adviceсовет

adviseсоветовать

adviserсоветник; консультант

advisorсоветник; консультант

affairдело

affordдавать; предоставлять