Sophie Kinsella - Shopaholic and Baby

She’s doing it again. She’s cutting me out. She’s trying to bewitch Luke.

“Leave me alone!” I exclaim in fury. “I’m not your patient anymore and you’re not having a look at anything, thank you very much.”

Suddenly I don’t care about being in labor. Or pretend-labor. Or whatever I’m in. It’s not too late; I can still have my big confrontation. As everyone gapes, I cast away the gas and air mask and heave myself off the bed.

“Suze, can you give me that bag please?” I say in a trembling voice. “The carrier under the bed.”

“Yes! Here.” Suze hands me the carrier bag. “Is that her?” she adds in my ear.

“Uh-huh.” I nod.

“Cow.”

“That’s a good idea, Becky!” Paula’s saying in bright, uncertain tones. “Keeping upright will help the baby descend….”

“Venetia, I have something to return to you.” My voice is very slightly slurred, which is the fault of that stupid gas and air. And I keep breaking into a smile, which is a bit annoying. But anyway, she’ll get the message.

“Luke doesn’t want these.” I reach into the bag and throw the support stockings at her. They land on the floor and everyone looks at them.

Oh. I’ve got a bit confused.

“I mean…these.” I chuck the cuff link box, hard, and it hits Venetia on the forehead.

“Ow! Shit!” She clasps her head.

“Becky!” Luke remonstrates.

“She’s still after you, Luke! She sent you a Christmas present!” Suddenly I remember my Latin. “Uti…barberi…” My tongue keeps tripping up. “Nam… I mean …tui…”

Fuck.

Latin’s a stupid language.

“Love, are you delirious?” Mum looks anxious.

“Becky, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Venetia looks as though she wants to laugh.

“Just leave us alone.” I’m quivering with anger. “Leave me and Luke alone.”

“You paged me,” Venetia reminds me, and takes the chart from a nervous Paula. “Now, where are we at with this baby?”

“Don’t change the subject!” I yell. “You told me that you and Luke were having an affair. You tried to freak me out.”

“An affair?” Venetia opens her eyes wide. “Becky, Luke and I are just old friends!” She gives her silvery laugh. “I’m sorry, Luke. I realize Becky has a problem with me. But I had no idea she was quite so possessive….”

She looks totally reasonable, standing there in her green medical-authority uniform. And I’m the deranged, drugged pregnant woman in a baggy T-shirt.

“Ven, it’s fine,” says Luke, looking uncomfortable. “Listen, we’ve got Charles Braine coming to supervise. Maybe you should…leave.”

“Maybe I should.” Venetia nods conspiratorially at Luke, and I feel a stab of white-hot rage.

“Luke, don’t just let her get away with it! She said you were lovers! She said you were leaving me for her!”

“Becky…”

“It’s true.” Angry tears are running down my face. “No one believes me, but it’s true! She said the minute you saw each other again it was just a question of when and where. She said you were intoxicated with each other, and it was like Penelope and…someone. Othello.”

“Penelope and Odysseus?” Luke stares at me.

“Yes! That’s it. And you were meant to be together. And that I didn’t have a marriage anymore….” I wipe my runny nose with my T-shirt sleeve. “And now she’s pretending I’m a completely deluded psycho….”

Something has changed in Luke’s eyes. “Penelope and Odysseus?” he says, an edge to his voice. “Ven?”

There’s a prickling silence.

“I don’t know what she’s talking about,” Venetia says smoothly.

“Who are Penelope and Odysseus?” Suze whispers in my ear, and I shrug helplessly.

“Venetia…” Luke looks at her directly. “We were never Penelope and Odysseus.”

For the first time ever, I see Venetia falter. She doesn’t say anything, but just stares at Luke with a kind of defiance. Like she wants to say, Yes, we were.

OK, I have to know. “Luke, who are Penelope and Odysseus?” I ask.

I’m really hoping they’re not a PR guy and an obstetrician who get together after the wife is pushed out of the picture.

“Odysseus left Penelope to go on a long journey,” says Luke, his eyes still pinioning Venetia’s. “The Odyssey. And Penelope waited faithfully for him. For twenty years.”

“Well, she hasn’t waited faithfully for you!” Suze says, pointing an indignant finger at Venetia. “She’s had affairs all over the place!”

“Venetia, did you tell Becky we were having an affair?” Luke’s stentorian voice makes us all jump. “Did you say I was leaving her for you? Did you try to break her confidence?”

“Of course I didn’t,” says Venetia coldly. Her eyes are hard but her jaw is trembling slightly, I notice.

“Good.” Luke’s tone is still scathing. “Well, let’s make it crystal clear once and for all. I would never have an affair with you, Venetia. I would never have an affair with anyone.” He turns to me and takes both my hands. “Becky, there is nothing whatsoever between me and Venetia, whatever she might have said. We dated for a year. As teenagers. That’s it. OK?”

“OK,” I whisper.

“How did you break up?” Suze says with interest, then flushes as everyone turns to look at her. “It’s relevant!” she says defensively. “You should be open about past relationships! Tarkie and I know everything about each other’s old flings. If you’d told Bex, instead of…” She trails off.

“Maybe you’re right.” Luke nods. “Becky…maybe I should have explained what happened between us. How it ended.” His face twists fleetingly. “Venetia had a pregnancy scare.”

“She was pregnant?” I feel sick at the thought.

“No. No!” Luke shakes his head vigorously. “She thought she might be, briefly. But anyway, it…clarified things. And we ended it.”

“You panicked.” Venetia’s voice is suddenly throbbing, as though she can’t control a long-buried anger. “You panicked, Luke, and we lost the best relationship I’ve ever had. Everyone was jealous of us at Cambridge, everyone. We were perfect together.”

“We weren’t perfect!” He looks at her incredulously. “And I didn’t panic—”

“You did! You couldn’t cope with commitment! It frightened you!”

“It did not frighten me!” Luke shouts, exasperated. “It made me realize you weren’t the person I wanted to have children with. Or spend the rest of my life with. Ever. And that’s why I ended it!”

Venetia looks as though he hit her. For a few seconds she appears speechless — then her eyes focus on me with such aggression that I shrink away.

“And she is?” she demands with a savage gesture. “This mindless consumer little…girlie is who you’re going to spend the rest of your days with? Luke, she has no depth! She has no brain! All she cares about is her shopping, and her clothes…and her girlfriends….”

The blood has drained from my face and I feel a bit shaky. I’ve never heard such vitriol.

I glance over at Luke. His nostrils are flared and a vein is beating in his head.

“Don’t you dare talk about Becky like that.” His voice is so steely, even I’m a bit scared. “Don’t you dare.”

“Come on, Luke.” Venetia gives a mocking little laugh. “I grant you she’s pretty….”

“Venetia, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Luke says evenly.

“She’s beyond frivolous!” cries Venetia. “She’s nothing! Why the hell did you marry her?”

There’s a tiny intake of breath around the room. No one moves for about thirty seconds. Luke looks a bit stunned to have been asked such a blatant question.